Anniversaries of losing someone is strange.

Why is any day any more important than any other…when missing someone?
Time in some ways helps you cope with anniversaries but never takes away the pain.

I also find that the biggest benefit is that other people give you space, they understand that you may not be 100%, they accept more easily that you are grieving.
The rest of the time although you clearly will never get over the pain, people who don’t understand grief think that you should be progressing back to …what would you say ‘normality’? Mind you that then begs the question what …read more

The comments to Don’t Forget the Good Times really touched my heart. Anniversaries are tough and I thought I would share how I cope…as I said in my comment to the blog post
“Pain makes me realise my heart is still alive, it is still feeling….pain means that the love is still alive.”
So often during bereavement you can feel numb, you can feel, well actually not feel anything. It was my Nana who taught me something about heartache. She said “Heartache takes away the numbness. Heartache means that your heart is alive and still capable of loving. Heartache means that your …read more

I was wondering about heartache, and wondering if people can die from a broken heart. When I googled the idea, I came across this great article on emotional pain at the BBC website. I want to pick out a few ideas from the article

“Simultaneous brain scanning revealed that the pain of being socially rejected was processed in much the same way in the brain as physical pain.” 
“Physical pain warns us not to do something, walk on a broken ankle for instance. And emotional pain too can be a warning – “don’t go near that sort of man again”, “avoid …read more

When I look back at the grief, I sometimes wonder whether why we move on slowly is because grief can feel warm. Somehow holding on to that grief, or holding the pain close can be comforting? Is that just me or do other widows or widowers feel the same?
The memories you have through your grief can feel warm, can help you feel connected with your loved one. If you take that grief away then loneliness can take a grip in your mind. What is it about grief that is warm?

Maybe the memories?
Maybe the connection with your loved one?
Maybe the heartache …read more

I know that many of us are finding September a tough month as we “celebrate” anniversaries – mixed with those feelings,I keep opening the paper and seeing the most awful tragedies

The shooting in Finland of 10 students 
Hurricanes across the world
Wars destroying families
Mothers who kill their children 

This is a strange month in which I balance the happiness of enjoying that time with my mum and the heartache of the loss of both loved ones and hearing of the death of others.Are we just more sensitive to news of bereavement? Does death or loss stand out to us more? Has death always …read more

I was speaking to mum last night and was suddenly struck by much she is doing since the death of dad. She misses him hugely, and they were devoted to each other, that made her grief hard, the bereavement process was a long one for mum.
Yet when I hear her now – she still speaks about Dad on most phone calls – she is getting on with her life and doing things that she would never have done before. In the 4 years she has started to play bowls, using public transport to visit friends (she would never have …read more

Regular readers will know that I love quotes, I love quotes that help you think, help inspire you to think differently. When you are going through grief, words can really help in coming to terms with life and the heartache that you are feeling. Francis Maitland Balfour once said
“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.”
I highlight the first part because …read more

If you are reading Widows Quest, you know the meaning of heartfelt pain. Pain hurts but the more I think about the real meaning of pain – I think that it is there for a reason.

It is there because we felt the true meaning of love. Would I have given up the chance to feel love…No. Pain is a sign that I have loved. I am lucky.
Pain can help us understand more about the world and more about ourselves. Without pain would we learn to be compassionate?
Pain is not a punishment, I like to think of it as a …read more

…I received a heart wrenching email from someone who was ready to finish it all, ready to give in to the grief and bring an end to the heartache. I can so understand that feeling, I can so understand how people reach that point BUT I beg any of you who have those thoughts to think of these few thoughts…

Death does not bring an end to pain…just yours. Those around you who are already suffering, would then have more pain to deal with, more guilt to deal with…I am sure that you love your family and friends and if you …read more

2008 is here and I wish you all a wonderful year. This year is our chance to rebuild our lives and rebuild the   happiness around us. To do that, we need to lose that guilt over enjoying ourselves as though somehow that means we are forgetting our loved ones…enjoyment is not about forgetting, enjoyment is about moving past the pain and seeing that no matter how sad you are, that will never change the reality of death. We owe ourselves, we owe our family, we owe our friends and we owe our lost love…the chance to know that we …read more