When someone dies, you miss their voice….you still have their love….yet one thing I miss the most is their voice.

I know when I was Nana last month, because she had a stroke she could no longer speak…she could see, she could occassionally squeeze our hands…but she couldn’t convey how she felt. I wanted to know whether she was scared, I wanted to know whether she knew how loved she was…and yet she had lost the power of her voice. And in that silence lay the most incredible pain, my most incredible heartache.

I was thinking about that today and how much we undervalue the voice when we are surrounded by our loved ones…but when they pass away, you suddenly value the power of their voice.

I want the loved ones to find a way of speaking to me, I want to speak to them. I want to check if they are OK, I want a way of still communicating.

How do I cope….well, I continue to have the conversation anyway, in the hope that one day I will hear their voice somehow and they will answer……Grief can be lonely, not just because they are missing from our lives but because you are surrounded by voices – just not the one you REALLY want to hear

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“We will have good and bad times, it is how we maximise the good to help cope with the bad!”

And I think that is true. I have written many times about the rollercoaster nature of grief….and rollercoaster’s can truly make you feel scared, feel ill and never want to experience that feeling again.

Life during ‘normal’ times can be hard, a loss of a job, money worries, illness, stresses etc but when you through in grief it makes those highs and those lows ….well, sharper and more frightening.

It is not that ‘normal’ life is level….it is just that we learn to cheer ourselves up by going to a concert, or out with friends or treating ourselves to some shoes:)

In grief we must learn to do the same. On those days that are better, try and store up that feeling, try to put reminders of you coping around the house or in a journal. Because just life ‘normal’ life it is those memories that help us cope with the troughs of depression, the lows of loneliness and the heartache of grief.

Post from: Widows Quest

1. Why is any day any more important than any other…when missing someone?
2. Time in some ways helps you cope with anniversaries but never takes away the pain.

I also find that the biggest benefit is that other people give you space, they understand that you may not be 100%, they accept more easily that you are grieving.

The rest of the time although you clearly will never get over the pain, people who don’t understand grief think that you should be progressing back to …what would you say ‘normality’? Mind you that then begs the question what is normal anyway

Somehow on an anniversary which in many ways to the widow and widower is just another day of heartache…the world stops judging you and allows you to grieve….they send cards, maybe ring, give you a hug….

In a way this seems harsh and yet I think the world is right…if the world constantly tiptoes round us then we will never get through the grief cycle?

How do you feel about anniversaries?

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“Pain makes me realise my heart is still alive, it is still feeling….pain means that the love is still alive.”

So often during bereavement you can feel numb, you can feel, well actually not feel anything. It was my Nana who taught me something about heartache. She said “Heartache takes away the numbness. Heartache means that your heart is alive and still capable of loving. Heartache means that your love has not died with their death. Heartache should be embraced over the years as it is a positive sign that your love endures, and your heart is learning to love again”

At the time I thought this was daft! But now I think I believe in this idea. Now as the pain increases I smile as I don’t feel the hurt, I try and feel the love. I am not sure if this will help – but always remember we are all here for you.

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1. “Simultaneous brain scanning revealed that the pain of being socially rejected was processed in much the same way in the brain as physical pain.” 
2. “Physical pain warns us not to do something, walk on a broken ankle for instance. And emotional pain too can be a warning – “don’t go near that sort of man again”, “avoid women like her”.But sometimes physical pain can become chronic, long outlasting its original purpose, and emotional pain is the same.”
3. But can we die from a broken heart? 

   Martin Cowie is professor of cardiology at the Brompton Hospital. He is very sure of the answer: “Yes, we can.”There is an increased risk of dying in the six months after bereavement and it’s particularly marked amongst men.”

People who haven’t suffered grief, struggle to understand the complexities of the feelings. They also don’t understand how bereavement is not a matter of hours, days  or weeks…it is part of you for life.

You see at Widows Quest what we all need to realise is that if we don’t help each other,  listen to each other and learn to live through the grief then we are putting ourselves in danger.

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

The memories you have through your grief can feel warm, can help you feel connected with your loved one. If you take that grief away then loneliness can take a grip in your mind. What is it about grief that is warm?

• Maybe the memories?
• Maybe the connection with your loved one?
• Maybe the heartache or pain actually makes you feel alive? 
• Maybe it is our last connection to them? 

What we need to learn is that grief may feel warm in the short term, however if we leave that grief to reign over our emotions then our heart will not warm through and let love flow over that grief, bringing a natural warmth back to our lives. In the long term, grief will make us cold……it is love that will warm our hearts.

Post from: Widows Quest

• The shooting in Finland of 10 students 
• Hurricanes across the world
• Wars destroying families
• Mothers who kill their children 

This is a strange month in which I balance the happiness of enjoying that time with my mum and the heartache of the loss of both loved ones and hearing of the death of others.Are we just more sensitive to news of bereavement? Does death or loss stand out to us more? Has death always been around or is there really more tragic disasters at the moment? 

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Yet when I hear her now – she still speaks about Dad on most phone calls – she is getting on with her life and doing things that she would never have done before. In the 4 years she has started to play bowls, using public transport to visit friends (she would never have done that before), she goes on 2 holidays a year, she has bought a treadmill, she made some many new friends, she has joined 3 clubs etc

This made me think – behind all the heartache, behind all the pain there is also opportunity. You would never want a death to occur of your partner but when it happens, it opens up new doors that you never saw, or would never have gone through as a couple. For all the pain, there is an opportunity to live those personal dreams that you have always had…by living the opportunity, the irony is that it can ease the pain. 

She is a role model, she is my mum….

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“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.”

I highlight the first part because I think death can feel like our enemy – it has hurt us, it has caused us our bereavement. These words are emotional for me, because I think until we can forgive our loved one being taken away we struggle to move on with our lives. I think I will print this out and put it on the fridge to remind me that forgiveness is such an important part of grief.

Post from: Widows Quest

• It is there because we felt the true meaning of love. Would I have given up the chance to feel love…No. Pain is a sign that I have loved. I am lucky.
• Pain can help us understand more about the world and more about ourselves. Without pain would we learn to be compassionate?
• Pain is not a punishment, I like to think of it as a reminder of what has been so great in my life.
• Pain means that we are alive, that we are feeling, that we are human. If I didn’t feel pain…I would not be capable of all the happy emotions.

We may not like the feeling of our heart aching, of our pain from grief but I know that I would rather that than being void of all emotions.

Post from: Widows Quest