Intrigued I said “A bandage? Have you got one for me?”

She looked, moved closer and gave me a huge hug….”There you are a pain bandage, I bet you feel better now”

I smiled, don’t kids just explain things so well!

Post from: Widows Quest

1. When you are grieving you shut down your emotions to protect yourself. Maybe what I am feeling is the “numbness” associated with my heart still not being ready to emotionally join the world as yet.
2. It is OK! My body, my heart has been through shock and an immense amount of pain. I am not ‘weird’, I am completely normal!
3. It takes time to rejoin the world. When I think how far I have come, I have come a   long way….there is still a long journey ahead but again that is fine. Time will heal, time will bring socialising skills back.
4. Maybe I will never be the same. After all, a huge emotional event has happened. My carefree days are maybe over, as I now have been shaped by bereavement, by pain. That does not mean I can’t be happy, it just means that once my brain computes all the emotions, my outlook may have slightly altered.

Do you have any thoughts that may help us all?

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I suppose it shows that the process is long and that your progress is one step at a time…I also think that I have got used to being in my own company, I don’t interact as well, I find myself thinking of what to talk about which   would have come naturally in the past. Being with people is not natural for me, however I know that the more I push myself to do it the more natural it will become.

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Leaders can learn a lot from the Tibetan monks ability to control their emotions. Here are 10 lessons

1. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson
2. Follow the 3 R’s: Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
3. Spend some time alone each day.
4. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
5. Love as if you’ve never been hurt.
6. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
7. Once a year, go somewhere that you’ve never been before.
8. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
9. Don’t let a little dispute ruin a great friendship.
10. Open your arms to change but don’t let go of your values.

The ones that are in bold are the ones that really meant something to me. I think Number 5 is obviously one that we should all think about. OK are emotions may be raw but one day we will want to find love again. When that time comes think about that sentence – Love as if you’ve never been hurt – I think that is a phrase that we should think about….

Post from: Widows Quest

 

Post from: Widows Quest

1. Give yourself an aim for each day – write down things that you are going to do and do them no matter how hard.
2. Make sure you eat healthily – your body needs fuel to cope with the grief
3. Exercise – I go for a 30 minute walk and get my heart working for the day
4. Think of one dream that you have always had….and make it happen
5. A memorial was important for me to bring closure. Once finished I knew that I could not bring him back, I will never forget but I knew on the completion that I had to let go of the regrets, the “if only”, the why did this happen. This sounds awful – but it has, you cannot change the past, you can only change the future.
6. I started to look after myself – I am dieting at the moment on Middle Age Shed and have lost 32lbs! Why not join me and my friend, the diet has given me a focus again in my life- just respecting myself and has made me feel better. I throw out tatty clothes and went and got some more – mainly from charity shops but they are great.
7. Talk – I am quite shy about my feelings, a bit of  a closed book – but I forced myself to talk about how I was feeling but more importantly what I was going to do about it.
8. If money is short – turn it round in your head from being a problem to a challenge. I know this makes it sound easy and for me it wasn’t but I challenged myself to earn a little more each month. I did cleaning for neighbours, sold CD’s on Amazon, washed cars whilst I found a better job….ok the pride initially took a hit but I am proud of the fact that I have worked my way out of trouble.
9. Write down each night something that you have achieved….3 positives.And keep adding to the list. My first ones were I survived, I got up…..but they steadly grew.
10. Vanilla candles and peppermint. Both help serotonin in the brain and improve positive thinking.

Overall, remember you are not alone. Remember there are others out there who are hurting and who are role models that you can use for motivation. You can do it, I am not there yet but hey I am 100% better than I was……just never give up.

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“ I NEED HELP AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  My husband passed away 5 years ago and  I never dealt with it because I felt that I had to be strong for my children.  I turned to drink at the time although I have been sober for over a year. but things are not getting any better  – money, grief etc….. please tell me where to turn”

I am glad that she turned to us, I have asked her to explain more about her feelings and practical issues so that as a community we can try and help…..the one thing I know from writing this blog is that there are people like you and me that want to help others with their grief…you are not alone, no matter what you think at this time.

My top tip for feeling overcoming devastation is to write down all your REAL problems, and then write by the side something that you can do to solve it….when you do that you seem to get some control back after a while. Then you can start thinking about the issues that are not tangible but feel real in your head…..and deal with them. But devastation can often be the latter becoming more powerful in your mind then the real problems?

Come on Widows Quest readers…we need to reach out to one of our own and show she is not alone, that no matter her problems we will share our thoughts on how she can turn her life around….

Post from: Widows Quest

Post from: Widows Quest

Her positive outlook was amazing. She said she was not frightened of dying that actually she was ready to go. She was more frightened by some of what is happening in the world than by breathing her last breath. I spent the whole journey with her and felt really humble alongside. She was not afraid of death, she had come to terms with death and said to me “Don’t think about death as a bad thing…we don’t actually know, we have beliefs but we don’t know for   sure. Therefore think of all your lost loved ones in a great fun place, looking over you and enjoying your life from afar. I will take your love to them shortly and tell them they should be proud to know such a fine young lady.”

Oh I have thought about her today….sometimes special people with special hearts come along and touch your life and she was one of those….for all the things I face, I was sure humbled by the sign of such courage.

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“The Hospice Foundation of America’s 14th Annual National Bereavement Teleconference “Living with Grief: Before and After the Death” will be presented from 1:30 to 4 p.m. Thursday, March 22, in Rutland Regional Medical Center’s CVPS/Leahy Conference Center, rooms A, B and C.

Live via Web cast, the teleconference will explore the most current perspectives on loss and grief as experienced by persons throughout a life-limiting illness and by survivors after the death.”

I was thinking that it may be good for family and friends as a way of understanding more…

Post from: Widows Quest