“Facing the fear and the future is inevitable if you want to progress and I know you will do that. My daughter gets really upset when she sees me in a depressed state but I tell her that it’s okay because at least I am feeling something.”

It struck me that over Christmas we will feel the pain of loss greater than ever….for instance the 27th would have been my Nana’s 100th birthday and the 26th Mum and Dad’s 50th wedding anniversary….both days that will add to the pain of grief. But Leslie’s comment struck a chord because at least I have had people in my life who have loved me unconditionally, and who I have loved with all my heart.

The pain of grief is the sign that we have been lucky, especially when you compare our lives to others such as the homeless at Christmas. We have not lost the love, we have lost them in our everyday lives….we are still loved and that is a special, special feeling.

Christmas can be one of the most painful times, yet in that pain lets just remember there is much to be grateful for in our lives. The pain, as Leslie says, is a positive sign that we are still feeling emotion. Loss has not dimmed our hearts ability to love. Loss has not taken away our knowledge of love. Loss has not destroyed our soul.

When we face our fears and face our loss this Christmas, then lets try and realise that loneliness can be conquered through that little glimmer of hope that our heart is still beating, still loving, still capable of bringing love to others in this world. We may be away from the love of our lives, but at least we still hold that love close to our hearts…..

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“We will have good and bad times, it is how we maximise the good to help cope with the bad!”

And I think that is true. I have written many times about the rollercoaster nature of grief….and rollercoaster’s can truly make you feel scared, feel ill and never want to experience that feeling again.

Life during ‘normal’ times can be hard, a loss of a job, money worries, illness, stresses etc but when you through in grief it makes those highs and those lows ….well, sharper and more frightening.

It is not that ‘normal’ life is level….it is just that we learn to cheer ourselves up by going to a concert, or out with friends or treating ourselves to some shoes:)

In grief we must learn to do the same. On those days that are better, try and store up that feeling, try to put reminders of you coping around the house or in a journal. Because just life ‘normal’ life it is those memories that help us cope with the troughs of depression, the lows of loneliness and the heartache of grief.

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Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow.

Let reality be reality”

Lao-tse Chinese Philosopher

For the next few posts I want to pick out some quotes which I have written down from the book I by Jim Clemmer, I told you about in Coping with Change in Our Life.

This quote stood out because it made me think how in a sense – bear with me on this! – it is not the death which creates our grief but our resistance to accepting what has happened. It is our resistance to letting go, to accepting they won’t come back, to learning to live solo once again…that creates that sense of loneliness and often depression.

Yet that resistance is only creating sorrow…it is not making anything better, it is not bringing them back, it is merely creating even more pain. We have already felt the pain of loss, then we go and add to it by resisting that change has happened.

I make is sound so easy…just stop resisting and everything will be fine!…and I know that it is not easy. However, acceptance is such a huge part of our new life, acceptance is the only antidote to resistance.

Maybe we should write down all the things which we are resisting and plan a way of accepting them? What do you resist the most?

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I remember feeling totally out of control and sensing that I didn’t know which way to turn. If I went out – I felt sad. If I stayed in  – I felt sad. I was suddenly one, or more specifically a two minus one. You know that feeling, the sense that although you are your own human being, part of your soul is missing. A couple is not two ‘ones’ but one ‘two’ – does that make sense?

When you feel out of control there is only one way out…and that is to take control one step at a time. It can be as simple as starting to pay debts on direct debit or as complex as moving house. But even small steps give you that reassurance that you can deal with grief, that you can take back the control that life snatched from you…

The answer is in the sentence….it is a feeling of being out of control not a reality

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The silence can be a constant reminder of being on your own, it can be the reminder that you are now a widow or widower. Going out can often feel so alien and so frightening that it may not be an option to start with…I understand that, as I am a griever who prefers to be away from people.

However, here are a few tips which I have used to fight off the silence

• Play music….I wake to music and go to bed with music.
• Play podcasts ….it gives me the sense of being part of the world, but in a safe environment – at home.
• Put the TV on….now I am not a TV watcher but I often have it on just to replace the silence.
• Make a phone call. You will probably know someone who is lonely themselves, or an older person who would just love to hear your voice.
• Sing! I know this sounds strange but singing – even as badly as I do – makes you feel happier.

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Why?

Because the first step isn’t often the one that helps start to heal the broken heart…in itself. Of course the first time going out, the first time you meet someone, the first time you go on holiday, the first anniversary are all hard…I don’t dispute that at all. However often the first step is surrounded by friends, often the first step is understood by all as a difficult step for a widow or widower.

But following that you have to start progressing on your own, often you don’t enjoy the first experience because of the loneliness and that can make the future even more difficult.

What I would like to say to people feeling like that is this….there is no definitive answer..it may be the first, fifth or fiftieth step you take which is the hardest. But the alternative of removing yourself from life or society is not easy anyway. It feeds depression, it feeds loneliness so what I would think about is this

“This step is hard, it may even be painful but at least it is a step in the right direction”

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Last night I watched it again and it had the same effect on me – I learned

• Life is about risk. If you don’t push yourself then you may live but you won’t be truly living.
• When you feel isolated, it is your perception. To “fit in” change your perception.
• When you give up on your dreams, something inside of you dies.
• Belief is not something that anyone else can give you, it comes rom deep inside.
• That nothing in life is easy, that is why when we do it, it feels great.
• When someone dies, don’t let them down by not living your life.

I have heard Jennifer Beals talk about how she chooses her acting roles based on whether she is telling a story,  a story worth telling.

How she used stories to remove the loneliness of her childhood. Maybe one day I will be able to interview her on my podcast to talk about how we create our own story, how stories can remove that loneliness that we all feel……maybe that should become a goal for me….

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There is a fine line between enjoying solitude and feeling the depth of loneliness.I know the importance of checking whether you are using the solitude to hide from life, to hide from the hurt of grief. I know how sometimes it is easier to dissolve into a world of solitude…rather than having to join the world again. But beware that the solitude can become loneliness and loneliness can become depression…..

I have always been the kind of person who is happy to be alone. I have never been lonely when I am alone. In fact I feel in grief I am lonelier when I am in a crowd – because that is when I miss him the most.

Yet other people cannot stand being alone in their grief. This just shows how different we all are and how coping with grief is personal to us all.

Are you a person who seeks solitude or someone who fights off loneliness?

[istockphoto]

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“….My husand died 18 months ago. I got through the funeral OK but then that loneliness hits you. I am not proud to say that I just couldn’t cope being without him. He was my life. I made a decision that I couldn’t live without him in this world, I just wanted to go to him. I told no one. I spent a week getting my life in order and then drove to the shops to buy alcohol and tablets. I was not sad, I was happy to be going to him. When I got back I logged on to my PC to check emails, a friend had sent a link to Widows Quest. Thank goodness that I clicked on the link. Not only your writing but also the comments really hit home – I can honestly say you and the readers saved my life!

Today…over a year later I have met a man who is the most wonderful friend. I don’t know where it will lead as we are taking it slowly, but without reading that post I would not be here today, please let your readers know that their words have made a difference, in fact they have saved a life. I can never tell you how grateful I am to Widows Quest. I wrote this email to show there is hope, you talk about hope a lot and I am living proof that if you can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel….keep walking…and you will see it.

Thank you all again and I hope that my words will help someone else to find that strength”

I never stop being proud of all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your comments…..you may think your life has no meaning….well you are wrong Together you all just saved a life…now that is what I call meaning.

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E = Expectations were always high as we faced the new year together, now those expectations are about more about surviving than living

V=Vacuum. For all that you try and fill your life and fill your time…on special nights that vacuum seems stronger.

E = Everyone I see is together, together laughing and together loving…..that just brings the loneliness home even more.

Now I sound down and that is not right on New Years Eve. My life is full of many things, my life is full of hope and that is how I will face tonight. I will cry no doubt but also smile at the knowledge that no matter what this world throws at me I will get through due to the love that will never leave me.

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