When someone dies, you miss their voice….you still have their love….yet one thing I miss the most is their voice.

I know when I was Nana last month, because she had a stroke she could no longer speak…she could see, she could occassionally squeeze our hands…but she couldn’t convey how she felt. I wanted to know whether she was scared, I wanted to know whether she knew how loved she was…and yet she had lost the power of her voice. And in that silence lay the most incredible pain, my most incredible heartache.

I was thinking about that today and how much we undervalue the voice when we are surrounded by our loved ones…but when they pass away, you suddenly value the power of their voice.

I want the loved ones to find a way of speaking to me, I want to speak to them. I want to check if they are OK, I want a way of still communicating.

How do I cope….well, I continue to have the conversation anyway, in the hope that one day I will hear their voice somehow and they will answer……Grief can be lonely, not just because they are missing from our lives but because you are surrounded by voices – just not the one you REALLY want to hear

Post from: Widows Quest

“I felt that although he was the one who was sick I was the one who was dying”

I know that this sentence will hit straight at the heart of each of  you. I know it does to me. As humans we live off the life of others, we live for others, we feed off the love of others. When our loved ones are taken that source of life is taken from us.

It is easy therefore to think that we can not live on, that somehow we have died as well. I know that I have thought that way. However, we must realise that in truth we are our own beings, that we breath the air through our own independence. A part of our heart may have died but we are very much still alive.

The difficult bit is finding a new source of inspiration, a new source of love and friendship to help us fulfil that need that humans have…..and the only way we can do that is

1. To allow time for our heart to heal the wounds of loss.
2. Then to start to rejoin life as a source of finding that new inspiration
3. Acknowledge that this will be hard, it will be against what our minds will want to do. But at this point we must override that urge to isolate and force ourselves back to…well, normality.
4. In taking these first few steps, know that it will be painful, lonely and uncomfortable but in time it will become easier
5. To know that living again is not about forgetting but about feeding our soul. Guilt can overcome you, but I know that if I could speak to Nana for instance, she would want me to live past her death and to live a life which she could be proud of…

Death may numb part of our heart which has loved intensely but hearts recover in time. Death may part us from our loved ones, but it can never take that love away. Death may challenge your beliefs but that is a good thing…..without that challenge we could take for granted this wonderful world and not enjoy the little things in life which make this world so special.

Post from: Widows Quest

I was trying to think the other day of the positives of getting old….?

• Experience to handle life?
• Memories to cherish
• Ability to help younger people develop and grow
• Family and extended family
• More comfortable in your own skin

Maybe because it is one of those days! (I need our Widows Quest Support Group Meeting this Friday) but then I thought of all the negatives

• aches and pains
• understanding life so much better and having a lack of energy to live it!
• pains and scars of life on the heart

Am I just feeling low? Maybe and yet I always look in the mirror and wonder what really is that great about getting old….do you think more about your age being a widow or widower or is it just me?

Post from: Widows Quest

It made me think about how we choose our coat before we got out – we forecast what we need and choose the coat that will be the most appropriate. It is a cover, it is a cloak to protect our bodies.

In grief we need that protective layer, we need that protective layer for our heart and our soul. Each day we are faced with different emotional ‘forecasts’ and to come through the bereavement process we have to fit how we are feeling with a similar protective layer.

When we feel down we need the smiler layer…..smiles are contagious!

When we feel lonely we need that cloak of friends to surround our heart.

When we feel stronger then we need to remove a layer to allow the world in….

No one else can choose our protective layer for us, we need to be aware of our emotions and forecast the day ahead….then we can ensure we can cope with what life throughs at us. Choose your grief cloak wisely!

Post from: Widows Quest

That is true, none of us can know how someone else is feeling. However, I believe that hope is much better than despair. Let me tell you a true story.

Her heart was breaking, her grief was overwhelming her. She couldn’t face life without him. She spent a week tidying her house, setting her finances straight, seeing her friends….then went and bought her tablets and her drink which was finally going to make her happy…and take her to him. She drove into the countryside and swallowed quickly, she couldn’t wait to get to him. As she saw the sky disappear she suddenly realised that she was going to die….she suddenly realised how much she really did value life. Was it too late?

Fortunately a stranger came by that car and she was rushed to hospital….she recovered slowly and as she strengthened she realised how precious life was, how she didn’t want to die, she just had to learn how to live again. She didn’t know how, but one thing she did know was that she had been given a second chance and she was going to find a way…..not a day has gone by without her thinking

• How much she misses him
• How much she loves her family and friends
• And, how much she values life

So when you think there is no hope, just remember that if we give in there is no hope……however, if we continue to fight there is always hope.

How do I know all this to be true, how do I know that living is a gift….well, the person above was me. I know the feeling but I tell you, not one day goes by that I am not grateful to that stranger…..even when my heart is breaking and I feel like giving up.

If you are that lonely, that depressed then tell us all, let us all be there for you….. just like that stranger was for me….

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

“I sometimes feel absolutely deadly lonely, particularly when facing the weekend. I am so totally alone, it’s painful to think about…….. I am convinced it was meant to be” 

 I think we can all relate in one way to that feeling, when you are going through the grief process. I know I have often felt, was I born to be lonely? I believe though that human beings are born to love, that the ability to feel, the ability to love is what separates us from other species or even machinery! Loneliness takes hold when WE let it in. 

Now there are days when it is fine to feel lonely, that is part of being human. However, what we have to be careful of as widows or widowers, is allowing the loneliness to take hold, of accepting that as a basic human feeling. I don’t think that is true. I think the basic human feeling is wanting to be loved and accepted, when that is not present then loneliness is the down side.

Hey, words are great but I know bereavement can remove all the meaning from words and the emotions take over your brain! So small steps may be needed to control that loneliness to allow love back into your heart

•  Smile as you pass people in the street and see them smile back.
• Thank people. I got off the bus today and thanked the bus driver with a big smile – he looked back and said that it makes his day when people value him.
• Talk to people when you are out and about. Just a quick sentence, or a remark can start a conversation.
• Go to places where there are other people. I find the cinema a good place as people arrive together but when you are watching the film you are all individuals.

Grief is not about giant leaps of faith, coming to terms with death for me is taking small steps each day.

Photo by istockphoto 

Post from: Widows Quest

You are alone….so lonely is not an “if or a but” it is a fact…you are now alone with your life. Why is that important well, when it is a fact you can do something about it don’t you think? You can visit a friend, family or even join a club to make you “not alone” 

Sometimes when I feel lonely I think I see it as an illness or some type or a condition but when you think about it, it is no more than a fact. I am hoping by seeing it in this way I can take control and change the fact. If I change the fact then hopefully it will change the feeling – does that make sense?

{istockphoto}

Post from: Widows Quest

“I feel lonely but I never feel alone”

That may sound strange, however I always feel him around me. When something happens I know or imagine what he would say to pick me up. I may be lonely because he is not physically there, but do you know….I never feel alone as I know he watches over me and I know that his love is like a warm blanket around my heart.

I also think on the good days that you can do something about loneliness, and that matched with enduring love that ensures you are never alone, should help us face the future.

{iStockphoto}

Post from: Widows Quest

 

Well, as humans we are not perfect…we will always make mistakes but the one thing that I think about -  is the love that we show others. When I look back I know he knew how much I loved him, I know that…..I also know there were times that I was short tempered or awkward, but those human frailties did not define our relationship. Love did.
I feel blessed, as I have loved. Life without ever having that feeling must feel very lonely. I may not have that person in my arms now, but I do have the memories and the love in my heart.

Mother Teresa said “It’s not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters”

I know that I lived – and still do – with an unconditional love in my heart. So, do I have any regrets ?…No, because there were times when I showed human frailty, there were times when I failed to be the perfect human being however, there was never a time when I didn’t feel and give that love…

When you look back, remember death parts the bodies but love joins the souls and forgives the occasional human frailty.

Post from: Widows Quest