Oh it has been cold these last few weeks, really cold with severe frosts. I look at the lawn and see it covered in white, and it made me think of our grief. Grief bites, bereavement leaves you feeling cold to the world, to the warmth of others around you.

F=Frost covers the beauty of the lawn…however, the lawn remains just hidden from view.

R= Realise that our grief is like that frost, it feels cold, it feels harsh but underneath we are still as beautiful.

O= Once the air warms the frost disappears….we have to find that warmth again by opening our heart to others.

S= Size of the crystals vary…just like the way our reaction varies from individual to individual. There is no right size crystal, there is no right size grief.

T=Translucent. The crystals allow the light through….I think this is so important in our grief. There is nothing wrong in letting people see the emotion, see the pain inside and allowing them help you cope through the bereavement.

This is possible the greatest concern that many of you write to me about. Now I am no expert but I can share my thoughts and what has worked for me. Here are my tips on finding a way of getting that precious resource that feeds our body to cope with grief.

1. If I am thinking about something and my mind won’t stop thinking then I keep a notebook by my bed and write down the thought. This way I know that I won’t forget about it and I tell myself that there is nothing I can do tonight about it.
2. I look at my notes in the morning and think of one action that I can take that will help me resolve the problem. It might be an easy problem or a tougher one like I feel I have no reason in my life. For the latter, I think of what do I want to do with my life and how I could do it….maybe visiting an old neighbour to brighten their day.
3. I rarely toss and turn. For me I have to get up and do something, something that will tire me. I may read a book or tidy a cupboard. As soon as I start doing something I can feel the tiredness.
4. I try and keep to a routine before bed so that I train my body that this is the time I am going to sleep.
5. I have a hot bath and hot drink to relax my mind and body.
6. I talk to myself that a worry is not a fact. I take the worry about not sleeping and turn it into facts…..For instance I think about how my body needs the sleep, my body is helping me cope and the one thing I can give it in return is the recharging nature of sleep.
7. I believe the best defense against depression is exercise. I exercise each day..be it walking or going to the gym. This also tires the body so that it wants to sleep.
8. I love music so I play relaxing music as I get ready for bed and put it on a timer to turn off about 15 minutes after I get ready to sleep.
9. I play a game in my head like doubling a number. For instance - 1,2,4,8,16 etc You find it really difficult quite quickly and it stops your mind thinking of problems.
10. I sleep with a pillow by my side so I don’t feel as alone.

I am not sure if  this will help you and of course as normal if any of you have tips   that will help the community then please leave them in the comments. Otherwise, sleep tight…tonight!

As you all know I try and stay as positive as possible, as I believe that we determine our level of happiness. Then occassionally I have a day like today. One when I am crying inside and yet they just won’t come out..I think I get so used to appearing strong that I forget how to be weak!

I am going to exercise today as I find the more exercise I do, the more that emotion seems to subside. It   also gives me a chance to talk to myself. Today I feel lost, feel lonely, surplus to requirements to the whole world, that I try and ensure every body else is OK but no one checks back on me….I know feeling selfish today, aren’t I!

I know in reality that I do bring something to this world, I do have people who love me…I just need to concentrate on reducing the gap between how I am feeling and what the true reality is…

When you are bereaved, you go through the stage of just not seeing the future, how can you ever enjoy life again. This shows through in the comments of   this blog. But you can find happiness, you can find a new life.

What I would suggest is that you think about your strengths, think about what makes you who you are. We can fall into the trap of thinking that our lost love made us who we are…that is not true. We are who we are because of our experiences, we existed before and we will exist after our bereavement. So think about your strengths…what are you good at, what do you enjoy doing…how do you provide value to others around you? Then think about how you can incorporate those strengths going forward?

I know that I am (normally) a positive person, someone who sees the good in the world…..that’s why I write this blog, as a way of helping others to see a way through their grief.

I know believe that you can tell people who have suffered recent loss - what do you think, do these make sense to you?

We enter a room with our head down

We find a reason why we can’t go out, no matter how persuasive our friends are!

We cry when we see hurt in the world

We learn to smile in a different way, one that says I know I should smile but don’t want to!

We talk more about the past than the future

I love the fact that I have been lucky enough to love, to really love but when you are left alone you suddenly feel….love is not enough, you need the person…here beside you. The physical presence gives the love a different feel, that smile, that hug, those inspiring thoughts, that help with life.

I suddenly find myself thinking love is not enough…..I still keep that love in my heart but I miss that physical presence. Maybe that is why I know in time I will need to fill that gap, my love will never die but as a human being I need a closeness that photo’s just cannot reach.

There is a book by Seth Godin called Small is the New Big which refers to business but I have just read it and realised that there is a similarity for widows…then Tiffany left this comment on Grief has changed my views on Relationships which brought this home even more.

Almost the big part of our losing a spouse I can cope with - not easily but I find ways to cope. It is the small things….

• Missing being able to ask for a hug
• Missing watching our favourite TV shows together
• Missing waking up next to someone
• Missing them coming in at the end of the day  

I suppose the difference in dealing with the finances etc to  holding their hand is the personal connection….the sense of touch is such a powerful  thing.  What small thing do you miss……what small thing leaves you feeling empty?

A heart is a wonderful thing, it brings life to your body. When we suffer from grief it can struggle, I know I have even felt that I have had to concentrate on breathing at times! I think we should cherish our heart..I think we should help it during the time when it is hurting. Treat it like you would a friend!  

P = Protect it. Protect it through strengthening it via exercise….even a gentle walk.

U = Understand it needs some time to cope with the bereavement, let it talk….talking allows it to diffuse the emotion.

M = Motivate it by giving it hope for the future. Allow it to dream again of happiness. It needs to believe in the future…..the future will ring new challenges, new inspiration….new ways of happiness.

P = Promise yourself that you cherish it. Your heart allows you to live and love. You may have lost the love of your life but your heart is still capable of loving others….future partners and also friends and family. Promise yourself that you will never lose that ability.

When you lose someone, it makes you think differently about all your friendships/relationships.

G = Granted. I think that I took all relationships for granted…now I now the pain of doing that, I spend a portion of each day investing in showing others how much I care.

R = Realised how special human relationships are….I value the warmth of a relationship, the feeling of being needed and the feeling of loving and being loved.

I = Invest time in relationships. Modern life can be busy and we can forget the people closest to us…oh, I will ring tomorrow night, ah I will pop in next week, they will understand etc etc Now I invest in the relationships, I have a certain time on earth and I don’t want to leave this world without people knowing how much I cared about them.

E = Emotions. Before my bereavement I kept my emotions very much to myself….now I share my   thoughts. This has brought people closer, they admitted that they found me distant before…now they enjoy understanding how I am feeling….and I feel less isolated.

F = Families have their issues, their clashes, their differences…but they should never get in the way of the underlying love you have for each other. I have learned to respect the differences and love the closeness which was not there before losing Dad.

Mum is 77 and has always lacked confidence. Dad gave her the confidence and when she lost him nearly 4 years ago, she had no idea how she would recover from her grief.

Yesterday, I was so proud of her. She has been going to a local bowls club for a while, but only when no one else was there…as she felt uncomfortable, she missed Dad by her side. But yesterday, she played for the team. OK I don’t think she will be entering the Olympics soon, but how she played was not the point. She had pushed herself to socialise, she had pushed herself to do something without Dad by her side….she said that she felt sick before she left home, but she went.  

Grief can be disabling, grief can strip you of every piece of self belief….well, if a 77 year old can find the strength than there is hope for us all!