1. Face the world without your loved one
2. Face the world who feel uncomfortable knowing what to say to you
3. Face the problems of others that seem “trivial” to you at this time
4. Not grieve. You want to be free to think about them, to weep for their loss.

But we know that loneliness will only make us feel worse. Some time alone I think is good just to come to terms but when you start rejecting the world, invitations on a regular basis – and even in my case shopping on the internet so I don’t have to bump into someone who is going to ask how I am! – then the time has come to talk to yourself.

Yesterday I was down, I was wondering what life was all about. But then a friend phoned and said “I bet you feel empty. I know that you won’t want to come out, so I am coming over, food in hand, drink in hand and we will have a good old catch up”

She has just arrived and I am so glad that she came over. Already she has brought an energy to the house. Friendship isn’t always about dragging people out of the house. Sometimes it is coming to them and providing almost a half way house to civilisation. Don’t reject those offers of friendships….see it as a sign that you are a good person who people care about….see it as a way slowly of moving through the grief cycle.

Post from: Widows Quest

“I felt that although he was the one who was sick I was the one who was dying”

I know that this sentence will hit straight at the heart of each of  you. I know it does to me. As humans we live off the life of others, we live for others, we feed off the love of others. When our loved ones are taken that source of life is taken from us.

It is easy therefore to think that we can not live on, that somehow we have died as well. I know that I have thought that way. However, we must realise that in truth we are our own beings, that we breath the air through our own independence. A part of our heart may have died but we are very much still alive.

The difficult bit is finding a new source of inspiration, a new source of love and friendship to help us fulfil that need that humans have…..and the only way we can do that is

1. To allow time for our heart to heal the wounds of loss.
2. Then to start to rejoin life as a source of finding that new inspiration
3. Acknowledge that this will be hard, it will be against what our minds will want to do. But at this point we must override that urge to isolate and force ourselves back to…well, normality.
4. In taking these first few steps, know that it will be painful, lonely and uncomfortable but in time it will become easier
5. To know that living again is not about forgetting but about feeding our soul. Guilt can overcome you, but I know that if I could speak to Nana for instance, she would want me to live past her death and to live a life which she could be proud of…

Death may numb part of our heart which has loved intensely but hearts recover in time. Death may part us from our loved ones, but it can never take that love away. Death may challenge your beliefs but that is a good thing…..without that challenge we could take for granted this wonderful world and not enjoy the little things in life which make this world so special.

Post from: Widows Quest

Today I returned to work and as always felt that overpowering power of “What is the point?” Now I don’t say this for any other reason that if other widows or widowers are feeling that….well, that is normal.

Loss throws life into turmoil. Our loved ones are our rocks, our stabilizing factors in the turbulent sea of life. But you know instead of wallowing I immersed myself and tried to get back to some normality. I understand that it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel as though it has any meaning…but it will.

When faced with grief we can either whither away or we can stand up for all the values that we shared with those people we have lost. Nana was a hard worker, she believed in working for everything you got….and today I stood by those values. Not because I wanted to…but because that is what she would have wanted.

And do you know at the end of today I have achieved something. I have cleared some work and most of all proved that life goes on. I have proved to myself that the more I try to love this world without her, the more I will. I have proved to myself that I am strong and resourceful and I am proud of that…

Grief can leave you numb….but deep inside we can find the strength to carry on….deep inside we know that life will never be the same but that life is precious and we should all treasure it.

Post from: Widows Quest

Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow.

Let reality be reality”

Lao-tse Chinese Philosopher

For the next few posts I want to pick out some quotes which I have written down from the book I by Jim Clemmer, I told you about in Coping with Change in Our Life.

This quote stood out because it made me think how in a sense – bear with me on this! – it is not the death which creates our grief but our resistance to accepting what has happened. It is our resistance to letting go, to accepting they won’t come back, to learning to live solo once again…that creates that sense of loneliness and often depression.

Yet that resistance is only creating sorrow…it is not making anything better, it is not bringing them back, it is merely creating even more pain. We have already felt the pain of loss, then we go and add to it by resisting that change has happened.

I make is sound so easy…just stop resisting and everything will be fine!…and I know that it is not easy. However, acceptance is such a huge part of our new life, acceptance is the only antidote to resistance.

Maybe we should write down all the things which we are resisting and plan a way of accepting them? What do you resist the most?

Post from: Widows Quest

I can’t express the emotion that I have when I see a life taken in combat and how the family copes with the grief and sheer horror of loss.

There are no words I can write on Widows Quest that will properly express what I feel today….but maybe I could say

Death will never bring an end to the love that we feel, death will never stop us remembering, death will never be in vain and death will never mean that we forget. Death is just a pause in our lives together….an eternal flame of everlasting love and gratitude will burn forever

Post from: Widows Quest

I have always said I feel lucky to have loved and talked a lot about the pain of losing that love and the greif that follows….but I was asked

“What do you think is worse…losing the love of your life through death or having the love of your life leave in this world?”

Gosh, that is a difficult one and first of I would say they are both grief….both are situations about loss.

I wonder what you all think ?

For me I actually think the pain of someone fall out of love with you may actually be the hardest grief? That pain that the person who used to look at you in a way that made the world melt away, now feels nothing….I think is possibly the hardest.

I say that because death doesn’t part you from the happy memories or from knowing how much they loved you. Death is final, there is no hope, there is no sense of maybe…just maybe….they will come back.

It made me think that as much as I hate the loss…..one thing I should be totally grateful for is that

I may have lost their body, but I haven’t…and never will…lose their soul

Post from: Widows Quest

“When compared with a controlled group of people who hadn’t lost anyone close to them, the bereaved showed significant increases in blood pressure, pulse rate and changes to their immune and clotting systems, which made their blood stickier and a heart attack more likely. The changes were most marked during the first six months after bereavement and have been pounced on by the media as the first scientific explanation of why surviving partners often die so soon after their loved ones.”

Reading this made me realise the importance of looking after ourselves…we may not feel like living but..

We will….one day

And

We all understand the pain of loss and if we don’t look after ourselves then we will pass that pain on to the people around us.

So starting today I am changing my diet to a much healthier mix of foods…

Post from: Widows Quest

I understand the reaction because people feel the pain of loss, they know that bereavement is awful and they also know that there are no words which can take away that sense of loss.

However, when you think about it widowhood has some good signs..

• It means you are one of the lucky people in the world who found their true love!
• It means that you understand much more about the world and the world of emotion.

When I think about it  – I would rather be a widow than someone who has never loved at all. But even as I write that…it makes me passionately want him back

Finally, if we are getting that reaction…maybe it is how we are saying the word. It is not a disease or something that we should be ashamed of…it is something happens, it is not our fault…it is not our curse….it is just a word.

Let’s be proud of having loved…

Post from: Widows Quest

“According to a recent article in U.S. News & World Report, researchers have identified key factors that define “Prolonged Grief Disorder,” a disorder thought to exist when a person becomes stuck for months or years in a grief and loss cycle and is unable to move on with their lives.

For those of us that know someone like this, it can be difficult to know what to do or say to make the other person feel better. According to David Kessler, Grief and Loss Specialist for Tributes.com, “Many of us have been in a position where we just didn’t know what to say to someone in grief.  We meant no harm; in fact we were trying to comfort. It is important to keep in mind that context, timing and who it’s coming from are everything.”

Kessler offers the best and worst things to say to someone in grief in the support group section on Tributes.com. http://www.tributes.com/groups/group. A few of each are listed below.

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…

Thanks to Tribute.com and I would add that often the best thing to say….is nothing at all, just be there and allow them to talk…

Post from: Widows Quest

For someone who knows the devastation of death, I just cannot imagine what these familes go through. What they go through when they are alive fighting on the front line and what they go through when they hear that fateful news…..

I don’t think I could cope with the not knowing, the fear, the loss….and I just wanted to write somewhere to say…

I cannot ever imagine your pain, I cannot imagine what it is like losing someone through war and fighting for the democracy of others. I cannot imagine how I can help you, but know this….my thoughts, my prayers are with you all. There is not one day that I don’t think about the pain….it is true that these soldiers will never be forgotten.

Post from: Widows Quest