“Facing the fear and the future is inevitable if you want to progress and I know you will do that. My daughter gets really upset when she sees me in a depressed state but I tell her that it’s okay because at least I am feeling something.”

It struck me that over Christmas we will feel the pain of loss greater than ever….for instance the 27th would have been my Nana’s 100th birthday and the 26th Mum and Dad’s 50th wedding anniversary….both days that will add to the pain of grief. But Leslie’s comment struck a chord because at least I have had people in my life who have loved me unconditionally, and who I have loved with all my heart.

The pain of grief is the sign that we have been lucky, especially when you compare our lives to others such as the homeless at Christmas. We have not lost the love, we have lost them in our everyday lives….we are still loved and that is a special, special feeling.

Christmas can be one of the most painful times, yet in that pain lets just remember there is much to be grateful for in our lives. The pain, as Leslie says, is a positive sign that we are still feeling emotion. Loss has not dimmed our hearts ability to love. Loss has not taken away our knowledge of love. Loss has not destroyed our soul.

When we face our fears and face our loss this Christmas, then lets try and realise that loneliness can be conquered through that little glimmer of hope that our heart is still beating, still loving, still capable of bringing love to others in this world. We may be away from the love of our lives, but at least we still hold that love close to our hearts…..

Post from: Widows Quest

When you love someone, it is not just about loving them whilst you are together, it is also about loving them enough to let them go. I have sat now 11 hrs short of a week at this bedside..even sleeping here….and what I have learned is that love is not about holding on in grief, love is about letting go in grief.

I have said to Nana so many times when she has been at the brink, don’t be scared….don’t be frightened…it will be OK, however we don’t say that to ourselves do we?

Love is about 2 people and you are one of them…whilst grieving we should maybe talk to ourselves and say don’t be scared, don’t be frightened…because just in the same way, love will guide us to a better place.

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I can’t express the emotion that I have when I see a life taken in combat and how the family copes with the grief and sheer horror of loss.

There are no words I can write on Widows Quest that will properly express what I feel today….but maybe I could say

Death will never bring an end to the love that we feel, death will never stop us remembering, death will never be in vain and death will never mean that we forget. Death is just a pause in our lives together….an eternal flame of everlasting love and gratitude will burn forever

Post from: Widows Quest

Grief should be based on fact in a way. It is based on a factual happening – that person you love has died. Yet, grief is not matter of fact, grief is not an exact science….grief is all the shades of autumn.

Bereavement and that sense of loss stirs emotions which are on a full spectrum of pain, and those leaves I looked at today almost reflected the rainbow of grief.

• The vibrant reds showing the anger and hurt that he has been taken away.
• The dark browns and black of dead leaves showing the finality of death
• The bare branches – showing the sense of loss.
• The light greens which give that sense of hope that spring will come again.
• The  yellows which show a light at the end of the tunnel.

Nature has a wonderful way of showing us a path through grief, nature has a wonderful love which can comfort us….and nature will always show us that in death is life and in life there is death. Nature knows that there is nothing that can stop that eternal circle of life…

Post from: Widows Quest

When I was coughing away, by myself this weekend, feeling sorry for myself that there was no one in the house just to look after me….(how old am I!) I started to think about connection. When we enter the world we are physically connected with our mothers…we depended on their nourishment in the womb, we depend on their milk, their support and security throughout our childhood.

When you think about it we are hard wired to connect, if we block that desire to connect then are we in the short term blocking the pain but in the long term harming our emotional health?

If we go without water we die…

If we go without food we die

If we go without love….does our soul die?

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“Heal the past, love the present, dream the future”

“If you love life, life will love you back”

“Don’t count the days, make the days count”

“Good times become good memories, Bad times become good lesson”

“Look to the future as that is where you will spend the rest of your life”

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges”

“The world is like a mirror if you face it smiling, it smiles right back”

Post from: Widows Quest

I know that if I am being truthful that I don’t really value me, I value others ALOT, actually too much as I always feel everyone is better than me in whatever way. I think that is what I miss most…that person who loves you unconditionally and sees the good in you and helps YOU see the good in YOU.

So a question for you today…Do you value who you are right now?

Do you value your strength? Do you value your greater understanding of love, of pain, of happiness? Do you value what you, yourself can give to the world? Do you value the person that your partner fell in love with?

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I noticed the change only last week when I left my wonderful mum after our holiday together…my heart felt so full of love and I didn’t want to leave her…I wanted to pick her up in my pocket and bring her home. I felt tears in my eyes, I felt as though I was going to crumble….this was  I am sure related to grief.

When you lose someone then you want to keep hold of the other people dear to you….or at least I do….and somehow that person who hid her emotions so well, has turned into an emotional being who can cry in her forties at leaving her mum, after a wonderful holiday together!!!

Oh dear….emotions are wonderful and yet frightening at the same time aren’t they?

Post from: Widows Quest

Many posts are about how this is our life and we shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting, about needing to find some happiness without our loved one. However…

I think we also need to set our own boundaries. I know how easy it is to think I must try and pull myself together for others, I will have to do it for them…and although there may be an element of using the love of others to pull you through your grief, I also think that we need to set our own boundaries.

Boundaries protect us while our heart heals, boundaries give us some space to learn how to live again. Boundaries help us understand what we need, what is important to us.

When I say boundaries I mean we sometimes need to be a little self centred, we need to think about our own needs and build time and space into our lives. Self centred sounds selfish, I don’t mean it in that way. I mean it in the way that we need to see there are times when we need to say No. There will be times when we need to lock ourselves away and take time for ourselves.

Once again we shouldn’t feel guilty about creating some boundaries, those boundaries don’t need to be fixed forever just for as long as we need those boundaries to protect our heart.

Post from: Widows Quest

I was speaking to a widow a couple of weeks ago who said “I wish i didn’t hurt so much”

I smiled and said “Did you love him?”

She answered “With all my heart”

I asked “Are you glad you shared your love with him?”

She smiled and said “I could never regret loving him”

So I turned and said “Then remember that hurt is based on love and to not hurt that much, then you wouldn’t have loved as much. Hurt is love seeping from your heart when it is grieving. Don’t fear it, don’t wish it wasn’t there…as it means you were lucky in life because you were lucky in love.”

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