Last Friday we held our monthly widows support group on the internet and I have to say it was wonderful. On Friday I was not down but feeling a little numb, grief does that every now and again to you, but when I heard the voices of other widows suddenly I felt warmth, I felt energised, I suppose I felt …well, not alone!

So what did I take from the hour we spent talking about our grief, our fears and our hopes for the future?

• The difficult balance we all face between holding on to memories and letting go of the past.
• The importance of family and friends.
• How grief can be hard on us physically but even harder on our subconscious.
• How plans can help you focus on the future

Our conversation gave me much to think about, and I will post more about it during the week. My hope is that we can grow the widows quest support group and help others to get through their bereavement.

The memory that remains so etched on my mind are those final hours, which I can understand. However, as widows and widowers we need to look past the pain so that the painful end to our shared life, doesn’t define our love. When you think about it, you will have been with your partner for years, months, weeks in which we shared laughs and love so intense. Yet we can lose all those happy times because of the pain of their death.

So the easy thing is to say remember the happier times…yet that brings pain too as you ache for those times still to be possible!

It is so strange….almost it is easier to cope with the pain of the death than the pain of the happy memories!

Maybe the trick in grief is to balance the two - coping with the pain of loss with the memories of the happier times?

Ever since I suffered my bereavement, I have had a mixed recollection of memories. Let me explain…

I can remember feelings, I can remember places, I can remember events and yet I cannot remember his face. The only memory that I have is that of him dying in the hospital, it is as though my mind has blocked out any other memories I have….I thought with time they would return and yet no….they remain elusive.

At first I hated it, I wanted to remember the smile, the face, they eyes….and now I wonder whether it is a good thing? The fact that I remember the experiences brings back great memories, the fact that I cannot remember his face means that I, in a way, don’t see him which would make me hurt more.

I sometimes wonder whether I am the only person who has this memory block ? Am I doing it subconciously to block out pain or the pain of grief? Or am I losing out on those wonderful pictures of the mind?

Would love your thoughts…

I had a dream last night - well in the 20 minutes that I slept! - and although I can’t remember it, these words came to me over breakfast

There are days that seem so dark and so bare

Simply due to your smile not being there

I feel like giving in and letting the pain take me away

Then I realise what words you would say

You would smile and hold me close to your heart

And say “Love doesn’t die because we are apart

We were lucky to find each other and have no more tears

I will guide from above through all of your fears

And please don’t give up and let our dreams die

Be happy, be strong knowing I will be right by

The last thing I want is for you to give in to that pain

Just hold on to our memories to keep yourself sane

Waiting till the day when you come back to me

And we are together, forever…but most of all naturally“

There will be a time when maybe our love will be reunited…but that will be when the time is right and when natural forces kick in to my life. The one thing I can do is live out those dreams, live them knowing he is deep within my heart, living them with me.

I realised that some of the post was missing from The Mixed Emotions of Grief which I have corrected - call it mid life crisis! But for those of you who missed it then here are the love and hate emotions that I feel - am I alone?

I love the fact we found each other

I hate the fact you were torn away

I love the fact that I got to feel real love

I hate the fact I long for that love again

I love the fact he came into my life

I hate the fact he left my life

I love my life

I hate my life

I love my memories

I hate the pain of memories

Do any of these make sense to you? As sometimes I have huge pangs of guilt at both loving and hating?

I wonder if anyone else feels the same pangs of grief, the mix of love and hate in your feelings. For example

I love the fact we found each other

I hate the fact you were torn away

I love the fact that I got to feel real love

I hate the fact I long for that love again

I love the fact he came into my life

I hate the fact he left my life

I love my life

I hate my life

I love my memories

I hate the pain of memories

Do you know what I mean? But I suppose there is a thin line between love and hate

I know that one of our readers had an anniversary yesterday and it would be great to know how she but here are my thoughts

1. Allow yourself to mourn. That may take different forms but if you want to cry then let yourself cry. We are trying to be strong and rebuild our lives and we are allowed to feel the pain of someone dying.
2. I try not to be alone as much as I want to be, I know that it will cause depression so I make sure that either a close friend comes round or I visit my mum.
3. When I am with people I talk about memories, I allow those memories to ‘come alive’ as a way of remembrance.
4. I always wear one of his jumpers - sounds silly but allows me to feel close to him.
5. I visit our special place and just sit and talk to him about our family and friends, about how I am coping, about memories that we had together….
6. I do one thing that he would be proud of….he loved surprising people so I may ring someone I haven’t spoken to for a while or visit an elderly neighbour…something that brings some joy and then say “That ones for you!”
7. I have put on to my iPod a collection of our favourite songs…sometimes this makes me cry but somehow it helps as well.

How about you ? How do you spend your day?

As time goes by from the death the memories I find become more and more intangible. One thing I have found is that if you can keep those memories alive, if you can keep those memories part of your life then it helps.

I have found that doing two things have helped me. I helped build a memorial in a garden, one that people could enjoy and reflected his life. For my dad I started blogging and podcasting about his ideas.

Somehow this kept the memories alive, it created a sense that they were still here helping the world as they would want. It took a little time before I could do this, but it also gave me a focus - a reason for living. That reason helped me through the dark days and through the enjoyment people got from them, helped me enjoy life again.

Are you old enough to remember the Love is…. cartoons…well I saw one today and wondered how you would answer it if you are a widow or widower?

• Leaving your loved one with the happiest memories
• Knowing that love continues even when life ends
• Being able to say goodbye and know that life goes on because your love goes on
• Not being afraid of love, for love has made you who you are…
• Learning to love yourself as much as you loved your partner

What would you say ? In grief, love is…..

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Yes, if it means not losing our loved ones, but then I wonder what the world would be like…

• Wouldn’t it be too perfect if we could turn the clocks back each time we make a mistake or something goes wrong?
• Would we lose the human nature of being an imperfect human!
• There would be no death….there would be no circle of life….we would just die when the worlds resources could not cope anymore, which would be an even longer, painful death.
• Would we be in danger of not growing as people. Isn’t it through the hard times that you learn the most about yourself and about life?

As much as I would like to turn the clock back at times, when I really think about it….I don’t think I would. My memories are special because they are not perfect, our love was perfect because it was imperfect, I am who I am because of my imperfections and most of all to value life, one must understand death.

What do you think? Would it be good to be able to turn back time?

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