“We will have good and bad times, it is how we maximise the good to help cope with the bad!”

And I think that is true. I have written many times about the rollercoaster nature of grief….and rollercoaster’s can truly make you feel scared, feel ill and never want to experience that feeling again.

Life during ‘normal’ times can be hard, a loss of a job, money worries, illness, stresses etc but when you through in grief it makes those highs and those lows ….well, sharper and more frightening.

It is not that ‘normal’ life is level….it is just that we learn to cheer ourselves up by going to a concert, or out with friends or treating ourselves to some shoes:)

In grief we must learn to do the same. On those days that are better, try and store up that feeling, try to put reminders of you coping around the house or in a journal. Because just life ‘normal’ life it is those memories that help us cope with the troughs of depression, the lows of loneliness and the heartache of grief.

Post from: Widows Quest

As widows or widowers, we have bad days or bad periods when we feel we cannot cope. How I look at it is this…..we have created footprints, for a time we were walking with our loved ones, so there were two sets working together….but

• When they die as above – the footprints of their life won’t be washed away through the tide of grief, our memories will protect that
• Remember we are still walking, forward through life. We are still creating those memories for those around us. Whether those memories for our family and friends are good or bad – well, that is up to us. If we stop forever protecting eventually we will get pulled away by the tide of grief….and for those around us that would be unbearable.

We have not stopped, we are just in the process of protecting those footprints from being washed away during grief. Once we have protected then we get the chance to moving forward, once again planting memories which inspire other people.

Post from: Widows Quest

“Life is a series of memories, life is about creating those memories”

I then asked so what is death all about

“No one knows but for those left behind it is about cherishing those memories”

She told me the best way to live life was to think about each day and put into your memory box (thoughts) the precious moments which you want to keep. That way on bad days you have a store of happiness to recharge the batteries.

I always loved this idea that life is a series of memories, and if when you are grieving it can be a wonderful way to think about your loss. After all we may not have their wisdom, or their presence but we do have their love and we have their wisdom through memories.

Grief is natural but lets never let that cloud the joy of having them in our lives.

Post from: Widows Quest

I have always said I feel lucky to have loved and talked a lot about the pain of losing that love and the greif that follows….but I was asked

“What do you think is worse…losing the love of your life through death or having the love of your life leave in this world?”

Gosh, that is a difficult one and first of I would say they are both grief….both are situations about loss.

I wonder what you all think ?

For me I actually think the pain of someone fall out of love with you may actually be the hardest grief? That pain that the person who used to look at you in a way that made the world melt away, now feels nothing….I think is possibly the hardest.

I say that because death doesn’t part you from the happy memories or from knowing how much they loved you. Death is final, there is no hope, there is no sense of maybe…just maybe….they will come back.

It made me think that as much as I hate the loss…..one thing I should be totally grateful for is that

I may have lost their body, but I haven’t…and never will…lose their soul

Post from: Widows Quest

“Heal the past, love the present, dream the future”

“If you love life, life will love you back”

“Don’t count the days, make the days count”

“Good times become good memories, Bad times become good lesson”

“Look to the future as that is where you will spend the rest of your life”

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges”

“The world is like a mirror if you face it smiling, it smiles right back”

Post from: Widows Quest

I cried when I read her thoughts..why? Because I hate people hurting…I so wish that I had a magic bereavement wand that would take away all our pain.

But it made me think about how we emotionally attach to objects….mmmm…but then is it really the object that we attach to? In Leslie’s case it is a house, with me it is a jumper! But when you think about it, we are not really attached to the object we are attached to the memories.

When you think about it, memories are movable…..maybe what we need to do is realise that the object is only a trigger to the memory? Therefore if we find a new trigger than we retain the happy memories….

Post from: Widows Quest

So what did I take from the hour we spent talking about our grief, our fears and our hopes for the future?

• The difficult balance we all face between holding on to memories and letting go of the past.
• The importance of family and friends.
• How grief can be hard on us physically but even harder on our subconscious.
• How plans can help you focus on the future

Our conversation gave me much to think about, and I will post more about it during the week. My hope is that we can grow the widows quest support group and help others to get through their bereavement.

Post from: Widows Quest

So the easy thing is to say remember the happier times…yet that brings pain too as you ache for those times still to be possible!

It is so strange….almost it is easier to cope with the pain of the death than the pain of the happy memories!

Maybe the trick in grief is to balance the two – coping with the pain of loss with the memories of the happier times?

Post from: Widows Quest

I can remember feelings, I can remember places, I can remember events and yet I cannot remember his face. The only memory that I have is that of him dying in the hospital, it is as though my mind has blocked out any other memories I have….I thought with time they would return and yet no….they remain elusive.

At first I hated it, I wanted to remember the smile, the face, they eyes….and now I wonder whether it is a good thing? The fact that I remember the experiences brings back great memories, the fact that I cannot remember his face means that I, in a way, don’t see him which would make me hurt more.

I sometimes wonder whether I am the only person who has this memory block ? Am I doing it subconciously to block out pain or the pain of grief? Or am I losing out on those wonderful pictures of the mind?

Would love your thoughts…

Post from: Widows Quest

There are days that seem so dark and so bare

Simply due to your smile not being there

I feel like giving in and letting the pain take me away

Then I realise what words you would say

You would smile and hold me close to your heart

And say “Love doesn’t die because we are apart

We were lucky to find each other and have no more tears

I will guide from above through all of your fears

And please don’t give up and let our dreams die

Be happy, be strong knowing I will be right by

The last thing I want is for you to give in to that pain

Just hold on to our memories to keep yourself sane

Waiting till the day when you come back to me

And we are together, forever…but most of all naturally“

There will be a time when maybe our love will be reunited…but that will be when the time is right and when natural forces kick in to my life. The one thing I can do is live out those dreams, live them knowing he is deep within my heart, living them with me.

Post from: Widows Quest