Widows Quest » mother

How Love Defines Us

Anna Farmery — Wed, 06 May 2009 15:50:07 +0000

Is part of the grief process defining yourself without relying on others?

Often in the comments we talk about being a partner, mother, wife, husband…….all definitions of relationships of love. We rarely talk about just us – as an individual, as a human being, as our own personality?

I am wondering whether coping with death is about renewing the relationship of love with yourself…we spend so much of our time loving others…do we forget how to love ourselves?

I think that is true for me….in the future I can only love, if I learn to love myself.

[Istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

How to Help a Parent Grieving

Anna Farmery — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:25:36 +0000

At the weekend I posted an emotional letter – Can Anyone Help a Widow? – from a reader whose parent is struggling to come to terms with her grief. I thought about this long and hard as I want to help. I think my suggestion would be writing to her mother. At the moment, her mother needs closure, she cannot see a way forward without her husband. I think I would write and say something like

Mum,

I want you to know how much you mean to me, how much I love you. At the moment I spend the day thinking about how I can help you with your pain, I try each day to take your pain away. My biggest fear when the phone rings is that it is someone telling me that I have lost you. I am lost, I don’t know how to help, I don’t know how to help you through your grief…I need your help. I don’t want to lose you, I am still grieving over losing Dad and now I am faced with the day to day fear of losing you. You don’t think you have anything to live for…..I want you to know that you do. We love you more than words can say, we need you more than you will ever know.

I suppose I am writing to say let me in, mum. I am grieving, I understand the loss….together we can help each other through the pain. When I was young, you were there for me, always telling me that things would be better tomorrow…..now it is my turn. We cannot change what has happened, we cannot change the past….but together we can find a new future, a new life that would make Dad proud. He loved you, he is still around us in our heart. He will be hurting at how his loss is destroying your life…let us help, let us in, please…….I would love to take you on a break away, maybe where you and Dad last went or where you met….together let us face this loss and find a way of moving on together.

I hope that this letter shows how much I care, how much I need you in my life, how much I fear losing you. Please mum, let me help

Love you more than words can say….

Without knowing all the circumstances, I think a letter may be the way of getting through to her. Words on a page can really hit home, she can read it over and over and think about her role as your mother. I don’t know if it would work but I think that is what I would do….what does everyone else feel?

[Istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

Fear of Loss

Anna Farmery — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 21:13:24 +0000

A few days ago, I had a shock. Mum collapsed with no warning and although she is OK now it really sent the shivers down my spine. Having lost Dad, somehow I always feel that Mum will go on forever – her family is VERY long living (Her mother is almost 98 and still as strong as ever) – and suddenly I realised that no one lives forever.

It is so easy to start fear losing people and through that fear to start not taking the risk of getting close to people as you try and protect yourself from hurt. With anything worth having, in this case the love of a human being, there is always risks involved. But do you know, no matter the pain I have had through loss, the joy of having those memories and the love of those people for outweighs the downside. We should never fear loss, loss is part of the circle of life……..

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The Effect of Grief

Anna Farmery — Wed, 02 May 2007 12:17:47 +0000

I wanted to share a comment that Anne left on the blog this week. Her words are powerful and I am sure that we can all relate to them

“Grief has an effect on us and each one of us takes his/her own journey through that valley. People often say they feel so alone, and letting them see that they are surrounded by family ( who also grieve in their own way), is empowering. Emotions are raw and when someone dies in our family it reminds us that we are mortal and makes many anxious. It is a normal human reaction to go through shock, pain of separation, depression and gradually up towards adjusting to life without that person in it. The people we love, our family and those who have died, will still be part of our history, they shared a path with us and we can keep them in our hearts and remember those times with fondness.”

She finishes the post by saying today is a good day to tell the people around you that you love them – before it is too late…wonderful words.

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A Poem for the Love of our Mother

Anna Farmery — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 21:04:36 +0000

I am a member of the Yahoo Group for grief and someone posted this poem which I thought was beautiful and wanted to share with you all

Your Mother is always with you
She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street,
She’s the smell of certain foods you remember,

flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.
She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well.
She’s your breath in the air on a Cold winter’s day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow.
She is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she’s crystallized in every tear drop.
A mother shows every emotion……….
Happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,

helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow…..

and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the Good feelings in life.
She’s the place you came from, your first home,

and she’s the map You follow with every step you take.
She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy,

but nothing On earth can separate you.
Not time, not space…….not even death!

Post from: Widows Quest

Listening to a Child

Anna Farmery — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 15:20:30 +0000

I cam across the Dougy Center which helps children come to terms with grief. I particularly like their advice when it came to supporting children

“ Listen.

After a death, many children want to share their story. They may want to tell you what happened, where they were when they were told about the death, and what it was like for them. Telling their story is a healing experience. One of the best ways adults can help young grievers is to listen to their stories“

I believe that listening is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to people – as my nan always says you have 2 ears and 1 mouth…and you should use them to the same proportion!

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5 Ways to beat the blues

Anna Farmery — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 10:45:43 +0000

We all have those days when we just feel down. Somehow the days drag and we cannot motivate ourselves. Well here are 5 ways I try and beat the blues

I go for a walk and enjoy the life around me.
I go and get my hair done as a way of making myself feel better.
I play music around the house, all the time and sing a long!
I arrange to meet a friend for tea, just an hour but a friend that will make me smile.
I think of how I could make someone else’s day special – can I send a card to someone, can I ring an old relative, can I send a gift.

How do you cope with those type of days, how do you ensure that life goes on?

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Memories for the Children

Anna Farmery — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 10:37:56 +0000

I received an e-mail from a lady that lost her husband a couple of years ago, she has 3 children, all girls.

She wrote that she wants her children always to remember their dad and therefore has bought a locket each for her girls. She has placed a picture in each of their dad with them smiling and laughing.

What a lovely way to remember them….

Post from: Widows Quest

Loss can lead to greater love

Anna Farmery — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 10:43:48 +0000

I just received my card from mum. It has a beautiful verse and it made me think. Since we both have suffered loss, we value each other so much more. We had an uneasy relationship in some ways but since losing people, we realise that those stupid family issues just are not important. I promised Dad on his death bed that I would look after mum and I have tried every day to make her feel special and ensure that she knows how much I love her.

Loss is hard, loss brings regrets but a bonus is that it makes you even more determined to show your love to those around you and ensure that those regrets are never repeated – or at least for me.

Post from: Widows Quest

Losing a parent

Anna Farmery — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 19:40:55 +0000

My friend phoned today, to say that her mother had passed away. Elsie was 88 years old and died peacefully. She was a wonderful lady who always had time for people, and wore an ever present sincere smile. The world will be poorer for Elsie dying but has been enriched by her life.

My love goes out to all her family and Elsie would be very proud of the dignity with which they have coped. Losing anyone is painful, no matter the age…..but losing a smile that used to make the world shine will mean one thing – we will all have to smile a little more to make up the difference!

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