Grief is like the meandering river that flows across the lands. Sometimes the gentle flow of memories, other times when the love and pain collide – the torrents of pain become emotional waves that simply cannot be controlled.
Grief is the river that is a continuous journey across one side of your life to another…
Grief is the river in which your earlier dreams and hopes flow to create the nightmares that engulf   your life.
Grief is like cold water pain that shocks the warm feelings of love…..
Grief is the natural spring water that flows from giving your heart to the one …read more

There are days when the world seems black
When nothing seems right, when all hope is lost
Then I come here to our Widows community
And you my friends, hold my heart until it can beat once more

I fear, I grieve, I miss, I long, I struggle to breathe
Nothing will get me through this pain
Then I come here to our Widows Quest community
And you hold my heart until it can beat once more, on its own

I want you to know that you are my friends
My guiding lights from the dark tunnel of death
I want you to know dear friends that
Whenever your heart needs …read more

I know that this will sound strange for someone who writes a blog on grief but I am very insular, very shy about talking about emotions. I think that is why blogging works for me. I never feel as though I am sharing my emotions, maybe it is the barrier of the computer screen.
It means that I never – or rarely – ever tell my friends how I am feeling. I am always ‘fine’ because I don’t want to be one of those people who always seem to be downloading. This last fortnight has been tough for me which has …read more

As widows and widowers, we know how fragile life actually is…in that fragility lies pain. Yet if you think of fragility, isn’t that what makes life so precious ? It is the not knowing, the sense that life doesn’t last forever, the sense that it can all be taken away from us at any moment. If you think of fine art, the fragility of porcelain actually increases it’s value….isn’t that the same for human life?
There is a paradox in grief, the pain comes from the fragility….the joy we had came from the fragility of being human. In a sense joy …read more

I had a dream last night – well in the 20 minutes that I slept! – and although I can’t remember it, these words came to me over breakfast
There are days that seem so dark and so bare
Simply due to your smile not being there
I feel like giving in and letting the pain take me away
Then I realise what words you would say
You would smile and hold me close to your heart
And say “Love doesn’t die because we are apart
We were lucky to find each other and have no more tears
I will guide from above through all of your fears
And please don’t …read more

I realised that some of the post was missing from The Mixed Emotions of Grief which I have corrected – call it mid life crisis! But for those of you who missed it then here are the love and hate emotions that I feel – am I alone?
I love the fact we found each other
I hate the fact you were torn away
I love the fact that I got to feel real love
I hate the fact I long for that love again
I love the fact he came into my life
I hate the fact he left my life
I love my life
I hate …read more

I had a tear in my eye reading about Hannah Jones. Over at the Guardian they tell the heart wrenching story 
 
A terminally ill teenager who won a legal battle against a hospital’s attempt to force her to have a life-saving heart transplant said today she had endured “too much trauma”.
Hannah Jones, 13, from Marden, Herefordshire, who has been in and out of hospital since the age of four, said she did not want to go through any more operations. She was diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia at the age of five.
“I just decided that there were too many risks and …read more

From the love that made you who you are….
From the desire to keep their memory alive….
From knowing that nothing, absolutely nothing, will bring them back..
From knowing that life is too precious to give away….
From seeing the pain of those around you, who want you to come through the pain….
From a life history of knowing that things will “look better in the morning!”
From focuing on what you can do rather than what you can’t change…
From knowing that they would want you to find a happiness….
From deep inside, from that personality that made them love you….
From knowing that giving up will feel …read more

There is an ongoing conversation at the blog post Watching Someone Die, which made me think of final acts of love. If any of you have examples let me know – anna@b5media.com, and I will share with everyone. In my comment, I talked about how Dad seemed to wait until after my sister had left the room to die, so he didn’t leave her with the picture of him dying….I believe it was his final act of love for a daughter he knew was not emotionally strong enough to see that final breath.I think there were other acts of love, like..

 Saying he wanted …read more

When I look back at the grief, I sometimes wonder whether why we move on slowly is because grief can feel warm. Somehow holding on to that grief, or holding the pain close can be comforting? Is that just me or do other widows or widowers feel the same?
The memories you have through your grief can feel warm, can help you feel connected with your loved one. If you take that grief away then loneliness can take a grip in your mind. What is it about grief that is warm?

Maybe the memories?
Maybe the connection with your loved one?
Maybe the heartache …read more