Widows Quest » pain

The River of Grief

Anna Farmery — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 20:00:20 +0000

Grief is like the meandering river that flows across the lands. Sometimes the gentle flow of memories, other times when the love and pain collide – the torrents of pain become emotional waves that simply cannot be controlled.

Grief is the river that is a continuous journey across one side of your life to another…

Grief is the river in which your earlier dreams and hopes flow to create the nightmares that engulf your life.

Grief is like cold water pain that shocks the warm feelings of love…..

Grief is the natural spring water that flows from giving your heart to the one you love…eventually….because eventually all love will part.

Grief - the river that no one wants to experience and yet the river that nature will always make us endure at some stage of our life

Post from: Widows Quest

An Ode for Friends at Widows Quest xx

Anna Farmery — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:50:39 +0000

There are days when the world seems black

When nothing seems right, when all hope is lost

Then I come here to our Widows community

And you my friends, hold my heart until it can beat once more

I fear, I grieve, I miss, I long, I struggle to breathe

Nothing will get me through this pain

Then I come here to our Widows Quest community

And you hold my heart until it can beat once more, on its own

I want you to know that you are my friends

My guiding lights from the dark tunnel of death

I want you to know dear friends that

Whenever your heart needs holding I am here too

We may have suffered loss, but in our grief we gain

We gain through friendships, we gain through shared pain

Pain that no one, other than us can truly understand

When people ask what is Widows Quest? I will now say

A place where your heart is held, until it can beat once more…on its own

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Keeping the pain within….

Anna Farmery — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:15:29 +0000

I know that this will sound strange for someone who writes a blog on grief but I am very insular, very shy about talking about emotions. I think that is why blogging works for me. I never feel as though I am sharing my emotions, maybe it is the barrier of the computer screen.

It means that I never – or rarely – ever tell my friends how I am feeling. I am always ‘fine’ because I don’t want to be one of those people who always seem to be downloading. This last fortnight has been tough for me which has led to some erratic blogging….and my friends are also suffering at the moment so I felt as though I had to deal with my emotions myself. The other day a friend called in and she needed a hug.

The funny thing is that in hugging her and feeling that friendship helped me….the hug helped me. It just made me think how reaching out to others can help you with your depression.

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Life is fragile…

Anna Farmery — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:52:13 +0000

As widows and widowers, we know how fragile life actually is…in that fragility lies pain. Yet if you think of fragility, isn’t that what makes life so precious ? It is the not knowing, the sense that life doesn’t last forever, the sense that it can all be taken away from us at any moment. If you think of fine art, the fragility of porcelain actually increases it’s value….isn’t that the same for human life?

There is a paradox in grief, the pain comes from the fragility….the joy we had came from the fragility of being human. In a sense joy and pain come from the same thing? I suppose that makes me believe that within my fragile emotions this week, if I look hard enough, then joy will be lurking….if I just look hard enough.

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Don’t Give Up On Me Baby!

Anna Farmery — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 12:38:45 +0000

I had a dream last night – well in the 20 minutes that I slept! – and although I can’t remember it, these words came to me over breakfast

There are days that seem so dark and so bare

Simply due to your smile not being there

I feel like giving in and letting the pain take me away

Then I realise what words you would say

You would smile and hold me close to your heart

And say “Love doesn’t die because we are apart

We were lucky to find each other and have no more tears

I will guide from above through all of your fears

And please don’t give up and let our dreams die

Be happy, be strong knowing I will be right by

The last thing I want is for you to give in to that pain

Just hold on to our memories to keep yourself sane

Waiting till the day when you come back to me

And we are together, forever…but most of all naturally“

There will be a time when maybe our love will be reunited…but that will be when the time is right and when natural forces kick in to my life. The one thing I can do is live out those dreams, live them knowing he is deep within my heart, living them with me.

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The Mixed Emotions of Grief – Part 2

Anna Farmery — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 19:57:30 +0000

I realised that some of the post was missing from The Mixed Emotions of Grief which I have corrected – call it mid life crisis! But for those of you who missed it then here are the love and hate emotions that I feel – am I alone?

I love the fact we found each other

I hate the fact you were torn away

I love the fact that I got to feel real love

I hate the fact I long for that love again

I love the fact he came into my life

I hate the fact he left my life

I love my life

I hate my life

I love my memories

I hate the pain of memories

Do any of these make sense to you? As sometimes I have huge pangs of guilt at both loving and hating?

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The Right To Die

Anna Farmery — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 21:49:10 +0000

I had a tear in my eye reading about Hannah Jones. Over at the Guardian they tell the heart wrenching story

A terminally ill teenager who won a legal battle against a hospital’s attempt to force her to have a life-saving heart transplant said today she had endured “too much trauma”.

Hannah Jones, 13, from Marden, Herefordshire, who has been in and out of hospital since the age of four, said she did not want to go through any more operations. She was diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia at the age of five.

“I just decided that there were too many risks and even if I took it there might be a bad outcome afterwards. I have been in hospital too much,” Jones said in an interview with Sky News.

She added: “I have had too much trauma. I didn’t want this [a heart transplant] and it’s not my choice to have it.”

Widows and widowers understand the pain of death, however reading this story made me realise that for some people we need to understand the pain of life…..

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Where does strength come from for Grief?

Anna Farmery — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 19:49:35 +0000

From the love that made you who you are….
From the desire to keep their memory alive….
From knowing that nothing, absolutely nothing, will bring them back..
From knowing that life is too precious to give away….
From seeing the pain of those around you, who want you to come through the pain….
From a life history of knowing that things will “look better in the morning!”
From focuing on what you can do rather than what you can’t change…
From knowing that they would want you to find a happiness….
From deep inside, from that personality that made them love you….
From knowing that giving up will feel no better!

[istockphoto]

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The Final Act of Love

Anna Farmery — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:13:31 +0000

There is an ongoing conversation at the blog post Watching Someone Die, which made me think of final acts of love. If any of you have examples let me know – anna@b5media.com, and I will share with everyone. In my comment, I talked about how Dad seemed to wait until after my sister had left the room to die, so he didn’t leave her with the picture of him dying….I believe it was his final act of love for a daughter he knew was not emotionally strong enough to see that final breath.I think there were other acts of love, like..

Saying he wanted to go, asking us to let him go. Giving us hope that death released him from pain.
Though unconscious, smiling when we touched him- he knew the difference between family and nurses.
Asking us for our commitment to look after mum – it was like passing on his role, giving us something to hang on to and live up to…..

You know, with Dad he died quickly of dementia- within 80 days of diagnosis. The doctors were surprised by his rapid decline – even held a post mortam, I wasn’t though…Dad was a very poud man who loved my mum so much. He wanted to go quickly, he didn’t want my mum to suffer or be a burden to anyone. His early death, I believe was truly his final act of love.I hated losing him, though mum said that we had lost him much earlier than when he took that final breath and she was right. I have a tear thinking of him now, Dad if you can access the internet from your resting place…I love you, I miss you every day of my life xxx

[istockphoto]

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Holding Grief Can Be Warm

Anna Farmery — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:26:57 +0000

When I look back at the grief, I sometimes wonder whether why we move on slowly is because grief can feel warm. Somehow holding on to that grief, or holding the pain close can be comforting? Is that just me or do other widows or widowers feel the same?

The memories you have through your grief can feel warm, can help you feel connected with your loved one. If you take that grief away then loneliness can take a grip in your mind. What is it about grief that is warm?

Maybe the memories?
Maybe the connection with your loved one?
Maybe the heartache or pain actually makes you feel alive?
Maybe it is our last connection to them?

What we need to learn is that grief may feel warm in the short term, however if we leave that grief to reign over our emotions then our heart will not warm through and let love flow over that grief, bringing a natural warmth back to our lives. In the long term, grief will make us cold……it is love that will warm our hearts.

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