I am having a few days away with her…we are going to the place where Mum and Dad last holidayed together. Mum can’t wait to show me where Dad was so happy. I cannot wait for 2 reasons

• Just spending quality time together. I live away and when I go home, we end up in the car , in the garden, at the shops…as I try and help her in her life.
• Creating some wonderful memories that I can look back on forever

It is funny how when someone dies, how it focuses the mind on the love of those around you. I  know that I don’t take the relationships for granted like I did, I invest much more time as I never want those regrets again….

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Post from: Widows Quest

• Love isn’t something we should fear
• Love isn’t something everyone enjoys…so be grateful for the feeling
• Love isn’t something that disappears on death
• Love isn’t remembering the good and forgetting the bad, love is remembering the whole
• Love isn’t about regrets  
• Love isn’t about forgetting, love is about forgiving the grief

I wonder what you think ?  Do you have any thoughts on what love isn’t?

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Post from: Widows Quest

G =Give yourself an emotional break! You are human, you make mistakes…unfortunately our imperfection causes us pain however in our imperfection lies our “humanness”

U = Understand that if the guilt is over someone who has died, there is little practical things we can do. Concentrate not on what went wrong in the past but how that can turn into the right thing for the future – which is in your hands.

I = Idolise them not! We can punish ourselves for our imperfection whilst seeing our loved ones as perfect. Somehow death make us remember the good, not the frailties in their personality. I found that once I didn’t feel guilty remembering the true person – the one who had good and bad traits….then I could understand how my guilt occurred. You loved them because they weren’t perfect!

L = Love is not perfect. Love is about accepting each other for the good and the bad. A missed word, a silly argument before death does not take away our love…it shows our love as it overcomes those mistakes.

T = Try to write down one thing that you could do through learning from the guilt. So if you had a silly argument then resolve to never go to bed before resolving any problems in the future….if you hadn’t said you loved them recently, then tell people around you what value you bring to their lives.

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Post from: Widows Quest

2= 2 continue to find ways of creating value in other people’s lives. I want to ask each person that I meet one question “What can I do for you that will bring value to your world?” Then deliver it…

0= 0 regrets. Death shows you that regrets are stupid, you can do nothing about them. If you make a mistake, apologise and move on…if you want to tell someone how you feel, do it before it is too late. As widows we know that life is not lived backwards, it is lived forwards.

0= 0 times when I give myself a hard time for crying or times when I struggle to cope. I am human, I am not perfect. There will be times when I struggle and that is OK, simply because it shows that I still care and that I am human. It is not frailty, it is humanity.

8 = 8 letters that I will say again – I LOVE YOU. Grief is still raw, pain of bereavement still sore but I know that those 8 letters will pass my lips again one day because I am beginning to allow myself to live again….

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She said she was going to his grave today and was going to talk to him, fill him in on what his son had achieved. She said that although he wasn’t still alive, it didn’t mean she couldn’t talk to him. My heart went out to her in one sense, and in another slightly envious that she had found a way of comfort for herself. How do you cope?

Post from: Widows Quest

H= Have a list of 3 things that you want to achieve, your dreams and spend time planning how you will make them reality.

O= Offer help to others. Supporting others helps you see that you are not alone.

P= Put time into learning about how to turn your life around. I post every sunday some of the best tips from other bloggers as a way of helping you through your grief. Watch out for the one tonight!

E= Ensure that you socialise with family and friends.

Post from: Widows Quest

“I am 87 years old and have been a widow for 8 months. I had been married for 66 years and know the true feeling of love. When he died I started to drink, at first to get to sleep and then more in the hope that I didn’t wake up. I just wanted to go to him, I couldn’t bare to be apart. Other than the war we had never spent a night apart and I could not face life without him. My great grandchildren who I love very much came to visit a few months ago, and for my birthday bought me a computer. I mean me a computer for a 87! But it has opened up a whole new world to me. I have been reading a Widows Quest for a few weeks and it has helped me understand that no matter what age you are, loss is loss. Age is not the reason for wanting to give up, it is the pain that you feel all through your body.

Through reading your writing it has taught me that despite my age, I owe it to myself, my family and my dear Tom’s memory to overcome this depression. I am fit, and I still have things that I dream of doing. I would never have dreamed of learning about blogs, the internet a few months ago and now I feel I have friends all over the world.

My advice that I wanted to share is this. Life is special, a gift from God and we – no matter our age – should value it. We valued the life of the person we lost, so why not value our own. I have taken your advice of writing 3 dreams that I want to come true including visiting my grandchildren in South Africa. I have booked the tickets and although a few people think that it is too much at my age, I have said “You are never too old to live your dream”.

Thank you for sharing the pain that you are feeling and please know that pain never goes away but you can balance it by doing things that make you happy.”

Wow, Joan from Toronto has really made me think. 87 and exploring new countries and learning new skills! I don’t know about you, but I feel that is Joan can, I can. Thank you for such an inspiring story.

Post from: Widows Quest

We met at a motorway petrol station! We bought a sandwich and a couple of bottles of coca cola…and sat in the car with a blanket wrapped around us. He put on a tape of all our favourite slushy songs, and I just seemed to melt into his arms.

What made this day special? Well, it was just the 2 of us, with no trappings just us there talking and hugging. For all the money in the world I wouldn’t have swapped those 2 hours of complete oneness – he had even written me a poem and read that to me.

As I live through today, I don’t want to dwell on the grief but the wonderful, happy memories I shared with him. Why be sad on a day that was always so special to us…no, I am going to remember him, smile with my thoughts, and feel that love wrapped around me.

Post from: Widows Quest

 Sorry I am late in moderating the comments, hope you will forgive me as I went to pick my mum up for Xmas yesterday. I have just read your comment out to her and her eyes filled up with pain. She knows only too well, how sitting next to the man you love and waiting for his last breath is torment and yet at the same time a relief. Both mum and I are with you, and will be thinking about you….there are few words to say at this time other than whether here in body or not, the love that you shared will keep you warm over the next few months. In the last few hours, talk to him, tell him everything you want him to know, hold his hand and ensure that he knows you are there……and remember mum and I are here to help you through this time.

Post from: Widows Quest

 ”Anna

I have been reading your blog for many weeks, and have gained so much comfort from your writing. One area that you haven’t touched on is death being a release. My husband had been ill for over 2 years and in the last 6 months could not  talk or interact. I have to say my reaction when he passed away was relief, not because I didn’t love him with all my heart, but because he had died many months earlier. He lay their suffering, and in fact it wasn’t him it was a body.

Maybe I should feel guilty but when I was at his bedside when he died, I was happy, I was relieved. A bereavement doesn’t always have to be depression, sometimes if you are watching the one you love suffer…death can be a good thing. Maybe I sound heartless, but I hope you know that I loved Bill more than anyone will ever know….it may have been a relief to not seeing him suffer anymore but I still miss him every day.”

My response is that I don’t think that you are heartless at all, I can fully understand the relief. What had happened here is that you had faced his dying for the 2 years prior, you went through the grief cycle during the last months. There is no right and wrong way of losing someone….and I would like to thank you for sharing this story with us all, and I am sure Bill would be proud of the dignity which you have faced his loss.

Post from: Widows Quest