Is part of the grief process defining yourself without relying on others?
Often in the comments we talk about being a partner, mother, wife, husband…….all definitions of relationships of love. We rarely talk about just us  – as an individual, as a human being, as our own personality?
I am wondering whether coping with death is about renewing the relationship of love with yourself…we spend so much of our time loving others…do we forget how to love ourselves?
I think that is true for me….in the future I can only love, if I learn to love myself.
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I was speaking to a widow today and although my heart was breaking for her loss, the conversation really made me think about the memories we have…….are our memories of the real love ?This lady was talking about a person that in truth, I didn’t recognise! I know for instance the marriage was in difficulty and also that the marriage had been “abusive” in many ways. Now I am not saying that they didn’t love each other, I am not saying that he didn’t create some wonderful memories but it made me think how strongly I feel about keeping those memories real…
I …read more

I said that I would share stories that I have learned whilst being in hospital. On the ward with me is a lovely older lady who lost her husband a couple of years ago. We were talking about grief and she said that being ill scared her. I asked why, and she said”Because my rock is no longer here to hold my hand and say that everything will be OK. The strange thing is that I was the rock in our relationship, the strong one…but my strength came through our love“She had tears in her eyes, as she described how …read more

Let’s hear it for a group celebration – “Yes, we have made it through another week…together!”
So to help us over the next week is the normal set of Sunday articles to help us think positively

Andrew Heath presents Privilege to Be with a Loved One at the Time of Death posted at Andy, saying, “My dad was one of my greatest heroes. This is my tribute to his legacy.”

Fruitpunch presents A relationship to last a lifetime posted at Fruit Punch Diary.

Alexander De Foe presents Supercharge Your Creative Power posted at SpiritualBlog.com.
Anna presents How to be a successful failure posted at …read more

Death causes you to think back into history. Today I was thinking of when I was a child and Dad taught me 2 key thoughts to help me in my various sporting challenges

Don’t fear winning, don’t fear losing…just enjoy the moment. When you enjoy it, you become better.
Win well. Lose well. There is nothing wrong in losing as long as you gave it your best shot.

May seem funny phrasing to talk about on Widows Quest. But it got me thinking that I can reframe those sentences now

Don’t fear loving, don’t fear losing…just enjoy each moment.

Love well. Grieve well. There is …read more

One thing I miss is the physical warmth of being close to another person – a hug, holding hands, a smile. I miss the warmth that runs through my body, that feeling of complete unconditional love.  How do I try and fill that gap…
Well, I try and reach out to family and friends more. For instance, Mum and I rarely hugged before my Dad died now we hug when I go in and when I leave. I had not realised that that physical transfer of love was so important. I now value a hug, a smile much more than I …read more

I got an email about divorce and the feeling of grief which I wanted to share although I will keep the man’s name private for obvious reasons.
“I love your blog and yet I am male and not a widower. You may find that strange but last year my wonderful wife of 23 years walked out on me for another man. I was shell shocked as I did not see it coming. My point is that grief is felt by people like me as well as widows and widowers. In fact, I would say the grief is harder….
When you wrote the …read more

I met an old lady whilst travelling yesterday. She was 86 and said that her biggest hope is that she finds love…she had never fallen in love in her life. She had been very protected by her family, and then when she had left home all the “men were taken”
I told her my story and that I still miss him each day. She turned held my hand and said “Oh, I would never say that you have lost them. Loving is a special gift that not everyone enjoys….love is a gain, no matter if death breaks the relationship earlier than …read more

As we journey through the grief process, I have come to the conclusion that part of the process is about the friendship with yourself. You need to work at the relationship with your inner self, here are my quick tips  

 Are you honest with yourself? Honest about your feelings, honest about the lost relationship (sometimes we can look through rose tinted glasses), honest about what you want from the future – it is OK to want to be happy.
Are you honest about the way you feel – do you let the anger and resentment out?
Do you listen to your own …read more

Think of anything you like, anything worth having needs work, needs commitment, needs us to keep going through the hard times. Think honestly about your relationship, there were hard times, there were times when you were grumpy with each other…what made it special is that you worked through the hard times knowing that the shared love was worth fighting for…
I think that is true with life. Life is worth having, life is so precious. We know that but we also need to understand how much work we need to put into the relationship with ourselves. We work on relationships with …read more