Is part of the grief process defining yourself without relying on others?

Often in the comments we talk about being a partner, mother, wife, husband…….all definitions of relationships of love. We rarely talk about just us  - as an individual, as a human being, as our own personality?

I am wondering whether coping with death is about renewing the relationship of love with yourself…we spend so much of our time loving others…do we forget how to love ourselves?

I think that is true for me….in the future I can only love, if I learn to love myself.

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I was speaking to a widow today and although my heart was breaking for her loss, the conversation really made me think about the memories we have…….are our memories of the real love ?This lady was talking about a person that in truth, I didn’t recognise! I know for instance the marriage was in difficulty and also that the marriage had been “abusive” in many ways. Now I am not saying that they didn’t love each other, I am not saying that he didn’t create some wonderful memories but it made me think how strongly I feel about keeping those memories real…

I hope I remember the good, the bad and the indifferent because our relationship was not perfect. Love isn’t perfect, people are not perfect. However, he was perfect for me. Distorting our memories may help in some way, but are we masking the reality? Wondered what your views were….. 

I said that I would share stories that I have learned whilst being in hospital. On the ward with me is a lovely older lady who lost her husband a couple of years ago. We were talking about grief and she said that being ill scared her. I asked why, and she said”Because my rock is no longer here to hold my hand and say that everything will be OK. The strange thing is that I was the rock in our relationship, the strong one…but my strength came through our love“She had tears in her eyes, as she described how they met and how he was taken from her. I asked if she had any advice for people reading Widows Quest and she said“Remember love does not come and go, remember true love is eternal” 

Let’s hear it for a group celebration - “Yes, we have made it through another week…together!”

So to help us over the next week is the normal set of Sunday articles to help us think positively

Andrew Heath presents Privilege to Be with a Loved One at the Time of Death posted at Andy, saying, “My dad was one of my greatest heroes. This is my tribute to his legacy.”

Fruitpunch presents A relationship to last a lifetime posted at Fruit Punch Diary.

Alexander De Foe presents Supercharge Your Creative Power posted at SpiritualBlog.com.

Anna presents How to be a successful failure posted at The Engaging Brand 

Patrick Schwerdtfeger presents Are you capable of success? posted at Tactical Execution, saying, “The first step in success is a belief system that supports the achievement of that objective.”

Dereck presents How to become what you want to become, in about two days posted at I Will Not Die.

John Wolfe presents Freeing Ourselves of Guilt posted at Wind of the Soul.

Gary Evans presents 3 Ways To Detach From An Outcome posted at Good To Feel Good.

Adam presents Excellence Vs Perfection – Are You Sabotaging Yourself? posted at Let Us Grow.

GreatManagement presents Get Rid Of Your Bad Habits Once And For All posted at The GreatManagement Blog, saying, “Make changing your habits easy”

Chris Edgar presents Releasing Our Need To Be “Taken Seriously” posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “Transitioning to a career that has us feel more fulfilled—and overcoming the anxieties in the way of the change—is a big achievement. Unfortunately, making this kind of transition usually doesn’t render our lives anxiety-free. One of our big post-transition worries is often that people no longer “take us seriously.” In this article, I talk about how we can transcend this fear by putting our attention on what we’re contributing in our new career rather than how it’s perceived.”

Peter Murphy presents How to Find Inspiration When You Need to Get Motivated posted at Get Motivated Stay Motivated, saying, “This is a practical article on how to find inspiration when you need to get into action. I hope your carnival readers will find it useful. Good luck with the carnival!”

Crystal Nichols presents You are blessed. Now act like it! posted at Christian in the Corporate World.

David B. Bohl presents Note to Your Inner Child: Childlike and Childish Are Not the Same Thing posted at Slow Down Fast Today!, saying, “Too many people confuse connecting with their inner child and living irresponsibility or cultivating a lack of maturity.”

Michael Miles presents The Silva Mind Control Method posted at Effortless Wealth and Abundance.

Heather Johnson presents How Positive is Positive Reinforcement? posted at Professor Luongo’s Blog Site.

CG Walters presents Union of Twin Flames Changes Reality posted at Into the Mist, saying, “Cause and effect are not linear. Change, or an unfolding horizon, seeks out the most receptive individuals in which to manifest its own beginning.”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our submission form.

Death causes you to think back into history. Today I was thinking of when I was a child and Dad taught me 2 key thoughts to help me in my various sporting challenges

• Don’t fear winning, don’t fear losing…just enjoy the moment. When you enjoy it, you become better.
• Win well. Lose well. There is nothing wrong in losing as long as you gave it your best shot.

May seem funny phrasing to talk about on Widows Quest. But it got me thinking that I can reframe those sentences now

• Don’t fear loving, don’t fear losing…just enjoy each moment.
  
• Love well. Grieve well. There is nothing more certain than losing someone eventually, just give it your best shot.

You know I made mistakes in our relationship - I could have been more understanding, patient at times but we can all say that….when I think about the time we had, we both “gave it our best shot“, we both enjoyed each moment and we both enjoyed the feeling of love. When put it like that….I only have one thing left to give the relationship…and that is to grieve well.

Grieving is part of that relationship…and I can see that the same energy that I gave to the partnership…I need to give to letting go. Don’t fear the losing…because you never lose the love.

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One thing I miss is the physical warmth of being close to another person - a hug, holding hands, a smile. I miss the warmth that runs through my body, that feeling of complete unconditional love.  How do I try and fill that gap…

Well, I try and reach out to family and friends more. For instance, Mum and I rarely hugged before my Dad died now we hug when I go in and when I leave. I had not realised that that physical transfer of love was so important. I now value a hug, a smile much more than I did before. Does it  replace the love of my loved one, of course not…however it heals the pain slightly and also brings more value to the relationship.

What do you do to fill that physical gap?

[photo from iStockphoto]

I got an email about divorce and the feeling of grief which I wanted to share although I will keep the man’s name private for obvious reasons.

“I love your blog and yet I am male and not a widower. You may find that strange but last year my wonderful wife of 23 years walked out on me for another man. I was shell shocked as I did not see it coming. My point is that grief is felt by people like me as well as widows and widowers. In fact, I would say the grief is harder….

When you wrote the other day that your heart had fulfilled its destiny…you are right. But at least when someone dies, you have not been rejected. You have been left, but the pain is tough as the person you love is still alive. The grief is there…the pain is there….the relationship is dead but the person is still there to love. I wondered whether the readers had   any thoughts on how I cope?”

Wow, powerful. Divorce is a change, it is a relationship that is over. Grieving for the loss of your partner does not necessarily mean death. Let’s try and reach out and help this guy…any ideas? 

I met an old lady whilst travelling yesterday. She was 86 and said that her biggest hope is that she finds love…she had never fallen in love in her life. She had been very protected by her family, and then when she had left home all the “men were taken”

I told her my story and that I still miss him each day. She turned held my hand and said “Oh, I would never say that you have lost them. Loving is a special gift that not everyone enjoys….love is a gain, no matter if death breaks the relationship earlier than expected because your heart has fulfilled it’s destiny. You have gained, not lost“  

Wow, what a wonderful thought and I couldn’t wait to share with you all…we have gained because our hearts have fulfilled their destiny…

Funny, how put that way, I smile with that thought!

As we journey through the grief process, I have come to the conclusion that part of the process is about the friendship with yourself. You need to work at the relationship with your inner self, here are my quick tips  

•  Are you honest with yourself? Honest about your feelings, honest about the lost relationship (sometimes we can look through rose tinted glasses), honest about what you want from the future - it is OK to want to be happy.
• Are you honest about the way you feel - do you let the anger and resentment out?
• Do you listen to your own advice and try and live by it - or do you ignore what you know is good advice. For instanc, I know I must keep myself cooped away, yet sometimes I ignore that and feel worse for it!
• Do you love yourself for being you ?…you existed before you met your spouse…you will exist after their death.
• Do you look for your strengths or concentrate on your failings?
• Do you invest time for yourself, do you treat yourself and pamper yourself like you would a friend?
• Do you make your progress a priority in your life…if you were your friend then you would invest time in getting you through the bereavement?

We are constantly talking to ourselves whether we know that or not…we need to ensure that this talking is positive…we will cope, we deserve to be happy, we love that we are emotional and will use that to grow, we love our strength in adversity….

Are you your best friend or are you draining the energy from your own friendship through negative talk and not bothering to look after yourself? 

Think of anything you like, anything worth having needs work, needs commitment, needs us to keep going through the hard times. Think honestly about your relationship, there were hard times, there were times when you were grumpy with each other…what made it special is that you worked through the hard times knowing that the shared love was worth fighting for…

I think that is true with life. Life is worth having, life is so precious. We know that but we also need to understand how much work we need to put into the relationship with ourselves. We work on relationships with others, but do we work as hard on our relationship with ourself?

Life is worth living, life is worth fighting for, happiness if worth fighting for…

So give yourself room, give yourself time, give yourself space for those bad days. Talk to yourself positively to bring yourself through the depression and the loneliness. Our greatest friend should be ourself, but often we forget that…