“You are as young as you faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fears; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. In the central place of every heart, there is a recording chamber, so long as it receives messages of beauty and hope, cheer and courage, you are young. When the wires are all down and your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of opinion, then and only then, have you grown old”

(General MacArthur)

How true this is…..how much do you invest your time in creating beauty and hope? How much cheer do you search for? Human life is short – we know more than most – lets not waste it with “snows of pessimism” but the “sunshine of hope”

Post from: Widows Quest

Hang on a minute I know why! It is because…

I am human

You will have days when that self belief is just not there to hold you up, but you know that is just part of being a human being…whether you have suffered bereavement or not. The difference as I see it, is that now you need to support yourself back to recovery……there is no one else there who can do it for you.

But remember this….I believe in you…and yes, when push comes to shove…

Post from: Widows Quest

When someone dies your partner in life has gone, the dividing of chores disappears – suddenly you have to face it all, on your own.

However, I have been stunned at how I have coped, of how my mother has coped, of how those widows and widowers around me have coped. Human beings are incredibly resilient – you can and will cope.

I suppose my lesson is because inside all of us is that ability to cope, trust to rely on yourself, trust in your values, in your abilities, in your future. For when we do, we will be amazed at how we stand up to be counted and learn to deal with all the problems we face…

This post was inspired by speaking to Roz Savage who has rowed the Atlantic and now is trying to become the first woman to row the Pacific Ocean would you believe – when faced with challenges she faced the fear and used it as motivation to spend the rest of her life following her passion. You can hear the interview here in two parts

Face the Fear Part 1

Face the Fear Part 2

Post from: Widows Quest

I wonder why someone who used to be so strong and indeed so sociable can feel this way? Me, as a person has not changed or have I? My personality is bound to be different by losing someone I love. He helped give me strength, helped give me confidence. But you know, it was there before I fell in love. When we feel scared we need to look at who we were before falling in love…that person is still deep inside and we  just have to find that person again. When you are in a couple, you merge, you play to each others  strengths…now we need to find that whole person again.

Being scared is natural, emotions are natural. Maybe being scared is a sign that the numbness is subsiding and that our capacity of feeling is returning….

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Post from: Widows Quest

It is strange as I don’t see losing your loved one as failure, however I think it shakes your self confidence. I think you start to doubt everything around you….when you step back that is the wrong thing to do.

• Success is having loved and been loved
• Success is coping with the reality of death and the sense of loss.
• Success is not hiding from the feelings but trying to work through them

Some days I feel that no matter what I do, I will fail. But do you know, if I never try anything then although I will never fail…..I will never succeed or create enjoyment in my life.

Maybe success is seeing that you are human, that doubting yourself, doubting your faith, doubting that happiness can come again. Success is being human with normal human emotions. 

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G =Give yourself an emotional break! You are human, you make mistakes…unfortunately our imperfection causes us pain however in our imperfection lies our “humanness”

U = Understand that if the guilt is over someone who has died, there is little practical things we can do. Concentrate not on what went wrong in the past but how that can turn into the right thing for the future – which is in your hands.

I = Idolise them not! We can punish ourselves for our imperfection whilst seeing our loved ones as perfect. Somehow death make us remember the good, not the frailties in their personality. I found that once I didn’t feel guilty remembering the true person – the one who had good and bad traits….then I could understand how my guilt occurred. You loved them because they weren’t perfect!

L = Love is not perfect. Love is about accepting each other for the good and the bad. A missed word, a silly argument before death does not take away our love…it shows our love as it overcomes those mistakes.

T = Try to write down one thing that you could do through learning from the guilt. So if you had a silly argument then resolve to never go to bed before resolving any problems in the future….if you hadn’t said you loved them recently, then tell people around you what value you bring to their lives.

[image by istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

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Although she hasn’t released an album of all-new material in more than a decade, she’s stayed current with remix records like the recent “Open Your Box,” featuring Basement Jaxx and Pet Shop Boys. But at the age of 74, Ono isn’t looking to define herself. Asked what audiences can expect from her on stage, she answers, “Me. They can expect me.”

For someone who lost the love of her life, someone who has been hated for splitting up the beatles – she has shown a huge amount of resilience over the years. The sentence that stands out for me in the interview is ‘Me. They can expect me’

So often when we lose our soulmate we struggle to see how we can continue. You are a unique person, you are you….be confident in yourself, find the real you and then as you feel stronger…let the world see you   – not the widow, not the grief stricken soul but the beautiful person that radiates inside of you. That person is inside, that person was someone who captured your loved ones heart….find it again, to live again.

Post from: Widows Quest

She reminds me that moving on is not forgetting, it is living forward not in the past. You will never lose the stories but you cannot bring him back. That is the acceptance part. Once you can accept the reality, you can start living with him in your heart in a positive way. My dad used to tell me – don’t hold on to the things that you cannot change. That is true, as much as we want to change the fact someone has died we can’t. The future you can change so make sure that you cherish your life as you now know how precious life is….

Post from: Widows Quest

I was trying to think of what binds the cycle and I feel that talking is the key. Apt from someone who struggles to share my emotions to people – that is why I blog! – but talking is a huge part of moving through the cycle. By talking to others about your feelings, you are letting the emotions out and also looking at the feelings objectively. Friends can help you see the facts, give you hope, help you move from depression to integration back with society. If you haven’t got people around to talk to then think about

Samaritans

Support Groups

Posting on the Widows Quest

Starting your own blog

Doctor or counsellor

By finding a way of expressing your thoughts, you start to see a way through…if you have a burning issue then write to me and lets talk it through on the blog anna@b5media.com

Post from: Widows Quest

She said “Your heart needs lifeblood flowing in….and I think that you can help this by exercise, friends, valuing yourself, giving yourself goals for the day. Your heart also needs for you to find ways of letting the emotion out – crying, laughing, talking, singing. Your heart helps you, Anna make sure you help your heart”

This conversation made a real impact on me because she is 70 years old, she lost her husband and she could have seen it as the end of her life. But no, she has seen the loss as an even bigger incentive to value your life, an inspiration to all of us.

Post from: Widows Quest