Widows Quest » suicide

There is Hope in Grief

Anna Farmery — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:11:19 +0000

I spoke with an old friend tonight, who lost her husband in a road accident about 5 years ago. His death was a shock and she went through a severe depression resulting in quite a dependency on anti depressants. She really could never imagine life without him and we feared a suicide bid.

She phoned to announce her engagement to a wonderful man who she met at a local grief support group. She never believed that she would be able to love again, yet she has not only found love, but a happiness that is wonderful to see.

I asked her if she could give any advice to people, this is what she said

“Grief is a tunnel, as you enter you can see only darkness. It feels lonely, cold, damp – from all the tears. But if you keep on walking, keep on moving through that tunnel, then you will see a light. Small at first but keep going, because that light will become stronger. I will never forget him, my love will always be there – loving someone else will never take that away”

Post from: Widows Quest

Help for someone who does not feel grief?

Anna Farmery — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 10:59:40 +0000

Over at google groups someone has posted

“I wonder if anyone here has had experience with the death of a family
member from whom you were totally estranged (by choice)? My brother
recently died from the cumulative effects of 25 years of unremitting
drug/alcohol abuse. During that quarter of a century span, he stole
from many people, took advantage of well-meaning relatives who tried
to help him, did time in jail, lied pathologically about everything,
caused untold grief to my parents (sometimes really terrorizing them)
etc etc. He basically dropped out of sight but by the time that
happened I had long since cut him out of my life. I only saw him once
in the last 10 years. So, now he has died in his mid-40s,
and in just about the way I predicted as long as 20 years ago.

The cold hard truth is, I don’t feel very much grief…..

I wonder if anyone has had to deal with the death of
one that you had much less positive feelings for?”

Can this community help in terms of resources or from practical experience – it would be great to give some tips.

Post from: Widows Quest

Understanding emotional stages

Anna Farmery — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 15:37:34 +0000

Kami Huyse talks about the 4 emotional stages of crisis management although this is about public relations the discussion about the psychology can help widows.

Psychologists call the emotional stages of survivors the Four Phases of Disaster:

1. Heroic Phase: This phase usually occurs directly after the disaster, when heroic actions are taken to help people recover from and/or survive a disaster. The media may be just arriving on the scene or not yet arrived at this phase. I definitely went through this stage – I appeared fine, dealing with everything and the friends who came around. For some reason I felt I had to be strong!
2. Honeymoon Phase: In this phase people draw together to solve problems in an intense showing of community. Media interest is intense during this phase. This phase generally lasts from one week to six months.This represents to me that stage when everyone is ringing and making sure you are alright!

3. Disillusionment Phase: People begin to get a mentality of “everyone for himself” when delays and other issues common with disaster set in. About this time media interest begins to fade and blame is assigned. This phase could extend from two months to one or more years. We have all seen this when the calls drop off and people get tired of your bereavement – this is when I understood who were my true friends

4. Reconstruction Phase: People start to pull together again to get things done, delays in the process continue to garner negative feelings and reactions. The media may revisit the disaster at this time (one-year anniversaries, etc.) I think this is where I am now, trying to rebuild my life and learn to love and live again.

Post from: Widows Quest

Losing Your Spouse in front of the World

Anna Farmery — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 20:39:42 +0000

My heart goes out to the wife of Bob Woolmer – the manager of the Pakistan cricket team who died in his bedroom. The loss of your husband is incredibly hard at the best of times, but imagine if the police were treating it as suspicious, you were miles away on South Africa and every sports channel is mentioning suicide, murder etc

I think the press forget that there is a family in mourning, a family that is coming to terms with a sudden death and a family in grief. This kind of bereavement reminds me of how Prince William and Harry in the UK have had to cope with the loss of their mother in the spotlight of the press. With all these people I think we should admire their courage and their strength of character that has seen them through – I am not sure I could have done it so well.

Post from: Widows Quest

Loss of Life

Anna Farmery — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 20:35:32 +0000

Anna Nicole Smith was a human being. People may not have agreed with her life but for me a loss of life is sad in any circumstances. We know how depression can take hold, we know how life seems so difficult to cope with….no doubt many of us have even briefly contemplated ending our life. But we battle on and find a way of coping.

It saddens me when some part of the media are almost glad…..I didn’t know her, I didn’t agree with many aspects of her life but I know one thing, a loss of life will always be sad……it reminds me that we should help each other to ensure that we never see death as a way out. When you lose someone you love, you realise how precious life is and for any of us to end it would be just passing that grief on to someone else.

Post from: Widows Quest

Pick your support wisely

Anna Farmery — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 19:27:26 +0000

When you are depressed the easiest thing is to surround your self with people who sympathise, who agree with all the reasons for your loneliness, your grief, your sadness.

What you really need though, are friends that empathise not sympathise. Friends who will listen attentively and the help you take action to pull yourself out of the depression.

It may feel better speaking to the former, but the latter are the ones that you need, the ones that are there to really help you. I love all my friends but the real “diamonds” are the ones that keep the light burning at the end of the tunnel.

Post from: Widows Quest

A tale of hope and survival

Anna Farmery — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 13:08:32 +0000

A few years ago I was called by the hospital to say that my friend was asking for me. When I got there she had tried to take her own life – she had been very depressed after losing the love of her life. She wanted no one to know, she said “I had felt it was the only option, it wasn’t a cry for help. I never wanted to be found. I just wanted to go and join him. Just as the sky disappeared I felt enormous fear, before that I had felt calm, serene…happy I was going to him. As the sky disappeared I felt such fear…I don’t know who found me but I am glad they did…I need your help.”

Over the next few months she had some counselling, and gradually regained her life. The reason why I share this with you is twofold

1) She had felt that suicide was what she wanted, the only way to join him. As her life started to fade away she just felt fear, it was not what she wanted. She was lucky, a passing motorist saved her. No matter how you feel that this is an option, there are options. People around you want to help, they don’t want to grieve another lost life.

2) She has now married and has 2 wonderful children. She has never lost her love for her former boyfriend but would she not give up her life now – no way. She hadn’t felt there was any point in living, if that motorist hadn’t stopped she would have never felt the joy that she has now. She is as happy as anyone I know.

The key ingredient was time – allowing herself to grieve and accept that life was not over, it had just changed. Change may be frightening but once you can accept a different future you can start to love and live a full, happy life.

Post from: Widows Quest