Facing the future as a widow or widower is difficult as you struggle to leave the past behind. Indeed you don’t want to leave the memories. I believe we need to think about

One to lose the desire to live in the past

One to to find a desire to live for the future

It is not easy that is for sure. We must draw on the fact that we have desire when you think about it….because we desire our loved one back in our life. It is not the desire that is missing, it is the ability to use that desire to live our life forward not backwards.

You may be reading this and thinking “I can’t”, well I spoke to my friend who lost her husband three years ago and she said “Today, I woke up and suddenly started thinking about the future. I live with the pain today, the memories of the past but now with the desire to live life to the full”

If you are down today, you may want to cry…that is fine. But never lose that belief…belief will see us all through the grief.

Grieving means that we need to find a way of facing our future. Often people refer to letting go of the past and this can feel uncomfortable as a widow or widower. We don’t feel like - or ready to - let go of the memories and love. You can feel in some way guilty of moving on, in some way that the memories are the only thing left and if we give those up…then what?

It dawned on me when having our Widows Support Group, that are we really trying to let go? Or are we trying to let in?

Letting go of the past is difficult and painful and in reality not something that we want to do…but what we need to do is…

Find a way of letting other people in…..if we can find a way of letting others in then we can find happiness, love and friendship which helps creates that happier future.

So out with the letting go….and in with the letting in?

Grief is hard not only for us but also for those around us. I often get asked what people should do for someone who has lost a family member.

Time and a hug are always great gifts but do you know what I appreciated most? Shopping!

My best friends from childhood came round with a weekly shop, she looked at me and said “I bet it is the last thing on your mind and you need to stay healthy”

Wow, do you know it was wonderful as I couldn’t face shopping - all those people, all those small decisions to make and of course starting to buy for one.

So as daft as it sounds shopping was a wonderful thoughtful gesture for me - what about you?

I once heard someone in a film talking about love and describing true love as someone

“who helps you to reach beyond yourself” and who sees you “more truly than anyone else ever has or ever will“.

I love those words and believe in our time of grief we can pull on that love - because in getting through the bereavement we need to reach beyond what we think we are capable of…..but remember that love, their love which encouraged you to think and achieve more than you ever thought yourself capable of..

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My friend who I have written about before lost her husband a couple of years ago. At the time the children seemed to cope with the loss relatively well, yet recently they have had some behavioral problems. When she talked to them they told her that they wanted to see Daddy and how they wanted to talk to him, that they had never really said goodbye.

The other day she took them to a park which they used to visit as a family. She gave them some paper and a pen each. She asked them to write down what they wanted Daddy to know. After they had finished they tied the notes to a balloon each and let them go….into the sky.

I thought this was a wonderful idea. The children being young now have a pack of balloons by the side of their bed and any time they want to tell Daddy something then they can tie it to a balloon.

Will it work in the long run, time will tell but I think as a parent my friend is showing how important it is to find ways of allowing your children to express their grief. I thought I would share it with you…

Do you have any ideas to share to help widows and widowers with their children’s grief?

cloud, storms, water

Some thoughts that I wrote down this morning on grief and how it changes you. I came to the conclusion that the change can be good or bad…that is up to the widow or widower themselves to decide….

Grief changes you, but is that necessarily a bad thing? I have learned what loss is like and that has altered the way that I relate to people. I am more grateful, I am more empathetic to people’s needs. I am now more grateful for what I have in life and also grateful for the love that I have felt along the way and in that way I think I am a better person.

Grief changes you but is that necessarily a good thing? I have learned that I fear more which can prevent me from moving on, it can prevent me from doing things, it can prevent me from finding happiness. I struggle to let the past go and struggle to let the guilt melt away.

Grief changes you but it is up to us to decide how…..grief affects you in different ways both good and bad. If we are to learn from bereavement then we have to let go of the bad and embrace the good…in that way we help the world become a better place.

I don’t know why but today I had this ache just to see Dad. Dad was so central to the way that I think about life and the person that I am …… we weren’t totally close except in the heart and mind. But then I would argue they are the most important places.

Since Dad died I have meandered, looking for meaning and I think lost as though my compass bearing has gone. I look back and think about what I have achieved but in some way it was for Dad. Dad didn’t expect anything from me, he just loved me and yet I was like a puppy inside wanting to please.

Some days I just wish so hard that he was here….some days I miss him so much….some days is today

As widows or widowers we all need a little help in coping with our grief and also finding a way of through the bereavement and back to a life that brings you joy and happiness. Here are this weeks articles to help us through the grief process

Nancy Miller presents Just Relax! 77 Easy, Painless Tips to Focus & Invite Tranquility In posted at Nursing Assistant Guides.

VYe presents Is Dream Life Achievable? posted at Sit Down Life, saying, “This post is inspired by a real life experience, as a matter of fact most of my posts are. This post is about achieving dreams”

VYe presents Dream Life – An Achievable Goal posted at Sit Down Life, saying, “All of us have dreams. Few have a dream car, dream girl, dream lifestyle, dream job, etc. Although all of us have these wonderful things in our head, very few proceed and achieve their dream.”

ananga presents Shifting Focus: Making Choices in Where You Spend Your Energy posted at Ananga’s Living by Design Blog.

Kerry presents What affect do our Thoughts, have on Our Health, Our Relationship and Our Environment? posted at Ancient Wisdom Modern Mind.

c.camino presents Science confirms the power of Positive thinking! posted at Spirit Happy, saying, “Amazing power that we possess..if we use it!”

Karina Harris presents How to Conquer a Case of the Mondays posted at Mind Your Own Business Girls Blog.

GP presents When Life gives you Lemons « Manely Montana posted at Manely Montana, saying, “Making lemons out of lemonade”

Carole Gold presents A Guide To The Unknown posted at Carole Gold, saying, “Thinking and feeling these times are difficult? What if they are filled with adventure and possibility. A guide to successfully traveling the unknown road.”

Ryan Taft presents T.I. Impossible is Nothing | Society is Deaf posted at Society is Deaf, saying, “Don’t forget that impossible is nothin’, your environment is irrelevant Just don’t let your emotions over power your intelligence Refuse to give up, your mistakes don’t define you they dont dictate where you headin’, they remind you That time keeps tickin’, let your mind keep clickin’ Never stop thinkin’, be aware of your decision and beware of the collisions And the potholes hidden in the road that you travel on your lifelong mission Just listen everyday like a snap shot is taken, if you live you could learn if you just be patient”

Wally Bock presents Staying committed to your commitment posted at Momentor.

Burak Bilgin presents How to Write Your Personal History posted at Distiller’s Corner, saying, “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography? This article might help you doing it.”

Chris Edgar presents Inner Productivity, Part III: Listening To Ourselves posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “In this post, I’ll talk about a new perspective we can take on the thoughts and feelings that tend to disrupt our work. As I say here, we can actually learn to see them as a form of valuable inner wisdom.”

Piotr Stepien presents Propel Human Evolution In Those Three Vital Ways posted at we overstep, saying, “Discover top three ways to boost enormously the evolution of the human kind. Right now nearly all people do the exact opposite which is stopping us in progress. Do you want to know what is stopping us and how to go beyond that? Are you ready for the answers? Here they are in order of importance…”

Isaac Yassar presents How To Realize Happiness posted at Isaac Yassar’s Overture, saying, “People seek happiness. That is the reason of their studying and working, improving their personal quality to achieve success. The question is what will happen after we reach success. Probably the answer is getting piles of money and massive personal consciousness, the mediums to reach happiness. At least that is what most people think. Is that true?”

Kakie presents Is your home a soft place to land? posted at Bur Bur & Friends: Community Park, saying, “Creating a safe atmosphere at home where kids can learn from there mistakes starts at home. Here is how one mother took what could have been a negative situation and turned it into something positive.”

VYe presents Problem is nothing but a state of mind posted at Sit Down Life, saying, “he whole point is - Problem is nothing but a state of mind. It is a condition, when brain is agitated and sends random impulses to various parts of the body.”

jim presents Do You Love What You Do? posted at Blueprint for Financial Prosperity.

Alvaro Fernandez presents Brain Training: It Works, and It Doesn’t Work posted at SharpBrains: Your Window into the Brain Fitness Revolution, saying, “In short, if you are considering buying some of these new programs, for yourself, your patients, a loved one…you do need to do a bit of homework.”

Erin Pavlina presents Quick Answers to Quick Personal Development Questions posted at Erin Pavlina’s Blog, saying, “Does the law of attraction work? Is Levitation possible? Is abortion a sin? and many more questions answered.”

Thea Agnew presents My Daughter’s Way Of Healing posted at Last Train To Clarksville.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our
carnival submission form.

Welcome to this weeks Carnival of Positive Thinking to help us face the week ahead and our inner grief

Relax presents How I overcome my fear instantly posted at The Wise Curve, saying, “I was experiencing fear, and I was aware of it. I identified the fear stimulus, and I should overwrite the fear by creating new memory that counters it.”

GP presents Blessed by the Best posted at Manely Montana, saying, “blessed by the best”

Jeff C. presents When does excessive become obsessive? posted at BLog-Of-Jeff, saying, “How far is too far?”

Burak Bilgin presents On Individualism and Conformism posted at Distiller’s Corner, saying, “In this article, I discuss individualism and conformism, and how we design our lives around these two notions.”

michelle -Lifeposter presents 10 Ways To Transform Negative Energy Into Positive Energy posted at LIFE-POST, saying, “I wrote this post from my own experience of dealing with deep depression twice”

Aparna presents Beauty & Personality Grooming: General tips for positive health from Ayurveda posted at Beauty & Personality Grooming, saying, “Sound health is the basis for happiness. And the following are the useful hints of Ayurveda for attainment of perfect health and good conduct. The following tips assure you good health, the fountain of happiness.
* Generally, food should be taken only after the previous meal is digested, and in limited quantities.
* The bodily urges such as urination, defecation, sneezes, cough; belching, flatulence, etc. should never be controlled or forced out.
* While conversing, use words which are relevant, brief, true and agreeable. Don’t trust people too much but keep an open mind.
* Don’t over-strain your sense organs and don’t over indulge either”

Ryan Taft presents Lyric of the Day: The Present is a Gift posted at Society is Deaf, saying, “This post is about enjoying the moment. I use music lyrics as a way to start the conversation. Also included is a really powerful poem about living each day to the fullest.”

Chris Edgar presents Reuniting “Work” And “Life” posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “In the past I’ve written about the basic elements of what I call “inner productivity”—the ideal mental and emotional state for peak productivity and doing our best-quality work. In this article, I take a deeper look at the common ways of thinking that keep us from developing inner productivity, and offer a new way of looking at work that can help reconnect us with our passion and focus.”

Karina Harris presents Transition Yourself & the Rest Will Follow posted at Mind Your Own Business Girls Blog.

John Wolfe presents It Takes a Conscious Village posted at Wind of the Soul, saying, “I often talk about changing the world. If it’s true we must be the change we want to see, and I believe it is; shouldn’t that change be directed primarily towards the youngest of minds, as they will come to have the greatest impact on the direction of humanity?”

Jeremy J. Ulmer presents Do Not Give Up On Your Dreams posted at Sales Coaching | Business Coaching | Life Coaching, saying, “Dream Big!”

ChristianPF presents God’s economy posted at Money in the Bible | Christian Personal Finance Blog, saying, “Just because the US economy has been challenged, doesn’t mean that God’s is!”

Alvaro Fernandez presents Learning about Learning: an Interview with Joshua Waitzkin posted at SharpBrains, saying, “Enjoy a human brain in full display.”

Broderick Allen presents No Need to Defend Your Point of View posted at Broderick Allen - Personal Growth and Enjoying Life’s Journey.

Naren Ghimire presents How to Live Life in its Totality? | Spiritual Pub posted at Spiritual Pub, saying, “Insightful tips on how to live life to its fullest.”

Donald Latumahina presents Tacking: A Strategy for Personal Success posted at Life Optimizer.

Andy presents How to Be Couragous posted at Personal Hack, saying, “What is courage? The simplest and most accurate definition I’ve heard is “doing right”. Doing the right thing, taking the right action that’s what courage is. Courage isn’t necesarily saving one’s life by putting yours in danger.”

Applying the Law of Attraction presents Attracting Positive People into Your Life posted at Applying the Law of Attraction Membership Library, saying, “When you attract like-minded positive people, together you can focus on obtaining your desires. Positive people will encourage and support you. On the other hand…”

Silicon Valley Blogger presents What Price Are You Paying To Have It All? The Supermom Myth posted at The Digerati Life, saying, “Thank you!”

Britannica Blog presents Sharing is Creepy posted at Britannica Blog, saying, “A while back, I wrote about the affliction of avatar anxiety, in which one’s self-consciousness about one’s online self amplifies one’s self-consciousness about one’s actual self.”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our
carnival submission form.

One thing I love about the Widows Quest community is the willingness to share our grief and tips on how to cope with bereavement. Here are quick tips on how to deal with grief and start the recovery during the Valentine’s Day from Louise Zweben, CEO of SympathyTree.com It is only a week away and I hope these tips on coping with grief will help us all. Feel free in the comments to add your own…
Create an online memorial that brings your family and friends together from all over the world to share stories of love and loss, sadness and joy, written in words, photos and video about the person you lost; to help us smile, laugh, cry and embrace our loved one’s life in an effort to make sense of our loss. While allowing you to create a very nice tribute to them on this special day, online memorial also provides the comfort of a close community and allows us to take the first steps needed to move forward.
Collect photographs and watch videos of you with your loved one as a way to remember the times you shared with them.  You do not want to just block it out.  Moving on starts with looking back.
Invite friends or family over to share a meal or some time together.  Time spent with them can be a very cathartic and reflective time and begins the process of putting things in perspective.
Start the process of getting your business matters in order so you can begin to bring some normalcy back in your life.  This involves getting in order the tax records, property records, investment records, insurance and retiree benefit records, as well as addressing trivial issues such as getting utility bills, bank accounts and credit cards in your name.  Working with close family members or an attorney is the right way to start.  Don’t postpone them for too long., start something small on this Valentine’s Day.
Pledge to join a support group, so you can learn to cope with the loss of someone who was a part of what made us what we are.  So, what do we do, how do we go on after they are gone and how do we deal with the grief?  In addition to family and friends, a support group can help you during this difficult time. 
Visit their grave, so you can tell them how much you loved them and miss them.  Say things you forgot to say when you were together, as if they are standing right in front of you.  You may be carrying burdens of guilt, which unless released, will come in the way of your moving forward.  Start unleashing those burdens this Valentine’s Day.