Widows Quest » widowed

Do you feel invisible?

Anna Farmery — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 17:08:01 +0000

Often I am glad that I feel invisible but I don’t know about you, but when you are widowed you suddenly feel invisible to the world. After the first few weeks, suddenly the world moves on and yet you are not ready to…Why do I feel invisible?

Because I need to find my own personality again, you are no longer the same person, the one in the couple. You are invisible, because in some way you are invisible to you?
At home when the tears flow and no one in the world can see the pain I feel. After those first few weeks, I understand how people forget, or want you to move on as they are drained from the emotional support they have given you, however it can feel the loneliest time for your grief.
Out and about when people talk in couples, as though a single person is somehow odd…
In supermarkets, when everything feels made for a couple or a family

Are you the same as me, that when you want to be invisible to hide away with your feelings – then you seem to be very visible to the world! When you need the love of others or acceptance, that is when you seem invisible?

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Being Alone Doesn’t Mean You Have To Be Lonely

Anna Farmery — Thu, 22 May 2008 18:15:11 +0000

Alone is a funny word….it oozes the sense of…well, lone-liness. When you are widowed or suffer a bereavement in the family, you have that painful feeling of being alone.

However, when you think about it, a widow or widower is not alone in the world….they may have lost their partner but that doesn’t mean that you have to be alone. I have even been in relationships when I felt alone!

Key is to understand the difference between losing someone, missing someone and the reality of living in solitude. I know I felt that I didn’t want to see people, didn’t want to go out…but that was me exluding myself from the love of friends and family. I wasn’t…aren’t….alone. I am surrounded by people who love me and want me to live a long and happy life.

When you feel alone, remember that is missing the person you love. You are not alone, this blog for instance offers friendship to you all

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Till Death Us Do Part….

Anna Farmery — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:11:29 +0000

I was speaking with a friend last night who has just found a new love, she was widowed about 4 years ago and had struggled with life after her husbands death. Last night she said something that I thought was worth sharing…

“I suddenly realised that I wasn’t married. When you take you vows you are married until death us do part. I realised whether I saw myself as married or not…I wasn’t! I know this sounds strange but I knew I still loved him, nothing could change that, I knew nothing would bring him back and finally I accepted that death has meant that I no longer am married….acceptance meant that I could move on”

Funny, I had never thought about it like that…now I know many of you still can’t see yourself loving again, but neither could my friend and she has found a wonderful new man who will never replace her husband but in her words can still enhance her life in the future…..

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It is never too late to start a new life

Anna Farmery — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 16:34:01 +0000

On the news last night was a heart warming story. An 102 year old man called Eric King Turner is emmigrating to New Zealand

“Mr King-Turner said the move had been planned months ahead, although he added: “I have to live from day to day.

“I can’t seriously look past tomorrow morning because at my age people go to bed at night and they don’t wake up in the morning. I’m resigned to that.”

Meanwhile, his wife said she and her husband – who have lived in Hampshire since their marriage 12 years ago – believed they would settle down quickly.”

Eric got married again when he was 90, and now he is starting a new life. Often we can think our life is over, when we are widowed but Eric really is loving proof that no matter how much you believe that you will never find happiness again – you can. Both in love and in living your dream.

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People soon forget your pain and grief

Anna Farmery — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 09:01:06 +0000

One reason that I am asking for entries for a Carnival on Sunday on how to turn your life around, is to highlight that as time goes by, the people around you may start to forget your pain. But that pain never goes away, it eases of course but the feeling of losing someone special NEVER goes away. What we do is learn to cope.

My friends have the date of the anniversary in their diary and we all get together to celebrate his life. Making a note of other people’s days is important so that you can acknowledge their pain and support them through. Maybe a handwritten note, a card, a call……just show that you care. The more we do it for others, the more that we change the world!

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Shopping was so hard

Anna Farmery — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 08:53:15 +0000

I don’t know if you found this, but I found food shopping the toughest. Walking through the shop, watching couples, looking at food that I would have previously bought and suddenly buying half the amount. Somehow, I suddenly felt the loneliest person in the world and felt that everybody was looking at me.

Then one day my friend said “Why, don’t you shop on line?” So I did, and I actually found that I enjoyed it as I could browse without feeling as though I wanted to hide. Now I am back shopping, but I make it an event. I normally go with a friend – have a coffee, or lunch – and enjoy their company.

Again, it was about taking one step back (going on line) to take two steps forward.

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How to define friendship

Anna Farmery — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 17:15:18 +0000

I was speaking to someone today who had been disappointed by how people fall away after the initial mourning. She said a wonderful phrase that I thought I would share with you… ”People offer help, friends deliver it” Friendship is a wonderful gift and the love of my friends will remain one of the key memories of a difficult time. Post from: Widows Quest

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Widows Quest Mission

Anna Farmery — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 07:32:04 +0000

I want to write mission for this blog – a summary of how I want people to act and feel when they read it.

The reason for the blog from my point of view is to show that there are people who understand your grief, your emotions. That there is someone who cares that you do get through this time in your life. Also, ideas and tips that have either worked for me at pulling me through the persoanl crisis, or for friends and family. Somewhere you can come and know that people understand, and hopefully help support you.

I was thinking “Widows Quest – First Aid for a grieving heart” Not sure that is right though…have you any suggestions? What do you get from reading my thoughts, and pouring my heart out! Let’s write it together….

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Thank you!

Anna Farmery — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 07:24:15 +0000

Wow, yesterday I asked for your support with a blog carnival this Sunday to act as a way of turning my grief into a positive memory. You have all been fantastic, and I look forward to receiving all the links. Please pass on to anyone you know who may want to contribute – a carnival of sharing and helping others!

I chose the title of Turning your life around as he was one of the most positive people I have ever known, he always saw the positive in everything. When I honour his memory, I wanted to do something that would meant the world to him. Helping others would be the first on his list.

It also showed me by the powerful e-mails, that you have sent that many of us have lost people we love, and there is a world of people mourning in their own way. Thank you for helping to make Sunday special

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If tomorrow never comes….lessons from mourning

Anna Farmery — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 10:55:52 +0000

We understand how it feels to not get the chance to say what we really feel. I came across this poem by Stephanie Ineson that brought this home, and show how important it is not to have any regrets. Hope you like it.

Tomorrow – I’ll tell him just what he means, That living and loving with him is in my dreams Tomorrow – I’ll give a big hug to mum, Say a quick thank you for all that she’s done. Tomorrow- I’ll call or even drop by, I’ll say “I love you” state all the reasons why.

Tomorrow-I’ll go about getting in touch With forgotton friends I miss so much. Tomorrow-I’ll take the first step to my goal, That I’ve always thought would make my life whole. Tomorrow-I’ll count all my blessings in life, Consider it privilege to be a midwife….

But what should I do if that day never comes, And all good intentions come undone. If life should spin a crazy dance, All these things and you never got the chance. If you woke up tomorrow to find that they’d gone, Looked at your list, realized you’d done none.

All the things you were going to do today, A million things you never got to say. Would you be confident that you’d given your all, Or guilty that you didn’t make that call? Could you be at peace, content that they knew, Just how much they all meant to you?

So, to avoid that nightmare never becoming real, Love life, love others and show how you feel.

It hit home to me, and I need to be more open to my friends and family that are still very much here.

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