I write this post not to make everyone miserable! I write this post to show that as much as I try and write in a positive way, as much as I try and write to help widows and widowers…even I …yes little old me have those days when NOTHING seems to matter!

It started last night, I don’t know why but depression fell over my body. I realised it was coming and yet I just couldn’t motivate myself to stop it from happening.

Depression - that feeling that there is nothing to hold on to, that feeling of being alone, that feeling that you are tired of fighting the feeling…just grabs hold. The worst part is that there is no one there to hold you, to hold you tight and tell you that they believe in you.

I tend to be one of those friends who people tell their problems to, which means that I understand how they are feeling and don’t want to burden them with my feelings. After all the last thing I want to hear is that “You are just having a bad day”, “It will all be OK tomorrow” etc

I am also a person who wants to cope, a person who wants to show the world that I can cope…no matter the financial worries or the feeling of emptiness.

So what can I do? Well the first thing is to write it down - blogging is a great way to accept the feeling. The second is to allow myself to feel that way, most days I fight it, most days I put on the brave face….my heart and brain is just saying “Look I need to recharge”

The final thing for me is to break the silence in the house. I am naturally a bit of a hermit! So even if i feel like getting into my grief bunker, I realise I must keep the human voice present. I put on the radio, I listen to podcasts, I watch the TV…trying to watch the more uplifting items rather than ones which will depress me more.

You know, as widows and widowers we are brave little beings…some days though we need to allow our hearts to be fragile as it doesn’t show weakeness it shows humanity….

As widows and widowers I believe forgiveness is a big part of coming through grief

• Forgiving yourself. I spent so much time wishing that I had done things differently. That I had prioritised family more than work, not that this was deliberate but I look back wishing that I had enjoyed more time at home rather than feeling tired alot. I realise now that the time has gone, that I did the best that I could, that he worshipped me and loved me for my energy with work.
• Forgiving the world for taking him from me. I realise that there is no logic why the good people are taken from us, just that death happens…..and we never know when, we never know where and that I must accept that it was just his time.
• Forgiving him. This sounds harsh and yet I have felt angry that he left me alone…..It wasn’t really anger, it was hurt because I loved “our love” and just wished that we could still be together.

Forgiveness is hard and yet to move on in grief you need to find it in your heart to forgive….after all what is the alternative to live a bitter life? That wouldn’t me, it wouldn’t be the person that my loved one wanted in his life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting - it just means letting go of the negative and keeping the positive.

Widows Quest is about community, sharing our fears and our successes so that we help each other.  A couple of months ago we had the idea of getting to together online to support each other not by the written word but also through the power of voice. We have met online twice and I have thoroughly enjoyed it…I have always come off the phone feeling brighter, feeling understood and also stronger.

So lets set up the July session. We will meet online at 6pm NY time on 10 July 2009. For people like me in the UK that means 11pm but hopefully people can join in. If you would like to join us - remember it is free and it doesn’t involve a phone call! - then visit the wiki page where I put the details.

And remember it is for both widows and widowers!!

As we have enjoyed meeting online for the last two months, I thought I would try and arrange a session for July. If you want to speak to other people who understand about grief, who will listen and share their tips on coping with bereavement…then why not sign up at our widows quest wiki. On the site are 3 suggested dates 2nd, 3rd or 4th July….let me know which one would work for you. We base it on 6pm New York time.

What do I get out of these sessions?

• The feeling of belonging. That I am with people who just…well understand.
• Happiness. People are so good at sharing stories and often such funny memories which make me laugh.
• The feeling of not being alone. Listening to others show me that grief is like a roller coaster….that I am not weak, I am just grieving.

I do hope that you will join us….it is very informal and totally free!

Last Friday we held our monthly widows support group on the internet and I have to say it was wonderful. On Friday I was not down but feeling a little numb, grief does that every now and again to you, but when I heard the voices of other widows suddenly I felt warmth, I felt energised, I suppose I felt …well, not alone!

So what did I take from the hour we spent talking about our grief, our fears and our hopes for the future?

• The difficult balance we all face between holding on to memories and letting go of the past.
• The importance of family and friends.
• How grief can be hard on us physically but even harder on our subconscious.
• How plans can help you focus on the future

Our conversation gave me much to think about, and I will post more about it during the week. My hope is that we can grow the widows quest support group and help others to get through their bereavement.

Widows Quest is a community, not a blog to me. Last month we trialled getting together from around the world just to talk about our lives, our fears and  - our tears. It was so wonderful to speak to other widows (or widowers) that we have arranged another grief support meeting….and remember it is free!

You don’t need to telephone…all you need is a computer with speakers…a microphone would be even better so we can hear you, but you can always use the chat box to talk to us, or just listen.

The June meeting will be online Friday 5th June at 6pm New York time. To check what time that is in your area try the world clock service.

If you want to join in then I will be holding it using gotomeeting and the details are as follows

Go to  https://www2.gotomeeting.com/join/172750394

You will be asked for a meeting ID which is : 172-750-394

It would be great to hear your story and also which posts from Widows Quests you really engaged with in May

The memory that remains so etched on my mind are those final hours, which I can understand. However, as widows and widowers we need to look past the pain so that the painful end to our shared life, doesn’t define our love. When you think about it, you will have been with your partner for years, months, weeks in which we shared laughs and love so intense. Yet we can lose all those happy times because of the pain of their death.

So the easy thing is to say remember the happier times…yet that brings pain too as you ache for those times still to be possible!

It is so strange….almost it is easier to cope with the pain of the death than the pain of the happy memories!

Maybe the trick in grief is to balance the two - coping with the pain of loss with the memories of the happier times?

Support and friendship are two wonderful ingredients in the grieving process. Last month I organised a web session so that we could all talk, and it was so wonderful speaking to other readers of Widows Quest that we thought we would arrange another one. If you want to join in, it is totally free! Then just register your interest at the Widows Quest wiki.

The plan is that the session will be held at 6pm New York time on Friday 5th June 2009. I will post the details of the link to the gotomeeting site nearer the time.

Would love your ideas on what we coould talk about - or maybe what we should do is take a blog post that meant the most to us this month?

Widows Quest is wonderful for how people share stories and also thoughts on death and coping with grief. Cindy left a comment to the post Love is Immortal and I thought I would share a quote that she left on the blog

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.”

by Norman Cousins

…I would add that maybe the greatest loss is when we allow what dies inside, to define who we are in the future. Something may die, but remember the body and mind may live…