Widows Quest » widows

When reflection overpowers you

Anna Farmery — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:57:44 +0000

This year has been….well, interesting! I have found myself in very reflective mood over the last few days. I realise that as widows and widowers we can become far too self critical and hold ourselves to either too high standards or feel guilty for life events. By life events I mean that ….well, life – or death – happens….it is not in our control. We can end up beating ourselves silly over

What we could have done
What we could have said
What we could have been to others

…yet in reality we were, we said and we did out of our best intentions. Reflection can be good for the soul BUT only if we balance our thinking with the realisation that we are only human. If we did our best then that is all we could have asked for…

The holiday season makes us think deeply about those we have lost, that is good – it means that they are still with us. However, in that reflection remember that the past is the past, that we cannot change the past, only the future. We may miss them more each day, but they loved us for who we were…..and we were imperfect. Humans are imperfect. In fact our true greatness lies in that imperfection.

The holiday season is a chance to stop giving ourselves further pain by wishing for things that cannot happen, instead lets look to the future and be better people for having the experience of having loved. We will never be perfect, we cannot change the past but we can change our outlook towards a brighter future.

Post from: Widows Quest

Carnival of Positive Thinking

Anna Farmery — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 20:41:48 +0000

For all widows and widowers, grief is a journey. Here are this weeks articles to give us fuel to drive us through the dark days of bereavement

Dawn Abraham Life Coach presents Power of positive thinking posted at Qualified Life Coach.Com, saying, “Does it sound simple? The power of positive thinking?”

Anna presents How to stay younger and feel brighter posted at The Engaging Brand

Aparna presents Bhramari Pranayam posted at Beauty and Personal Grooming, saying, “It is supposed to create a soothing effect on the nervous system and culturing the voice. It is known to work in relieving stress, reducing anger, anxiety, lack of desire to sleep and blood pressure and eliminating throat ailments. It induces a meditative state by harmonizing the mind and directing the awareness inwards.”

Annaly Curzon presents Phobia – When You Can’t Just Get Over It posted at Working On Me.

Donald Latumahina presents How to Feel Better When You’re Depressed posted at Life Optimizer.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Post from: Widows Quest

The Footprints of Life

Anna Farmery — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:38:55 +0000

One sentence I have written at the end of the euology is about the fact “the footprints of Nana’s life won’t be washed away through the tide of grief“. When we live we are creating memories both for ourselves and those around us.

As widows or widowers, we have bad days or bad periods when we feel we cannot cope. How I look at it is this…..we have created footprints, for a time we were walking with our loved ones, so there were two sets working together….but

When they die as above – the footprints of their life won’t be washed away through the tide of grief, our memories will protect that
Remember we are still walking, forward through life. We are still creating those memories for those around us. Whether those memories for our family and friends are good or bad – well, that is up to us. If we stop forever protecting eventually we will get pulled away by the tide of grief….and for those around us that would be unbearable.

We have not stopped, we are just in the process of protecting those footprints from being washed away during grief. Once we have protected then we get the chance to moving forward, once again planting memories which inspire other people.

Post from: Widows Quest

In Death Life Goes On

Anna Farmery — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 20:23:43 +0000

The death of a loved one can really affect the way you view life.

Today I returned to work and as always felt that overpowering power of “What is the point?” Now I don’t say this for any other reason that if other widows or widowers are feeling that….well, that is normal.

Loss throws life into turmoil. Our loved ones are our rocks, our stabilizing factors in the turbulent sea of life. But you know instead of wallowing I immersed myself and tried to get back to some normality. I understand that it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel as though it has any meaning…but it will.

When faced with grief we can either whither away or we can stand up for all the values that we shared with those people we have lost. Nana was a hard worker, she believed in working for everything you got….and today I stood by those values. Not because I wanted to…but because that is what she would have wanted.

And do you know at the end of today I have achieved something. I have cleared some work and most of all proved that life goes on. I have proved to myself that the more I try to love this world without her, the more I will. I have proved to myself that I am strong and resourceful and I am proud of that…

Grief can leave you numb….but deep inside we can find the strength to carry on….deep inside we know that life will never be the same but that life is precious and we should all treasure it.

Post from: Widows Quest

Time is so short….

Anna Farmery — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:13:50 +0000

They have now taken away Nana’s fluids and we sit and wait….when you think of the long days and nights we spend grieving and often for me even wishing days away…I now look at Nana and think….time is so precious. Time is one thing money can’t buy, time is something that you can never get back.

I am thinking of the special moments we cherish, I am thinking of how important it is that we find a way to cherish our own moments. We may live alone now, we may feel the pain of loneliness, we may think our hearts will never mend…but somehow we all at Widows Quest find a way…

Time is not infinite, time in a sense is all we have…this is no longer our time together but our time to find ourselves, our passions, our future. I know from looking at Nana that if I asked her what she wanted it would be time with us all, we have something so precious we must learn not to waste one second….

Post from: Widows Quest

Where do you find your energy?

Anna Farmery — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:43:45 +0000

Funny after going 3 nights without sleep or at least only cat naps by Nana’s bed…I still feel Ok. Yet if I only get 6 hrs on a ‘normal’ day I feel tired…when you are with someone so ill, so tired then this energy comes from nowhere. I suppose that it is not then a shock that your body needs time to recover through the grieving process.

The hospital offered us a room. Mum grabbed a few hours each night in there but when you are here, you just want to hold them and let them know they are not alone. The irony is that they are looking after themselves better than you are…

I wonder where that energy comes from, I wonder what store we have in our bodies that is only opened at traumatic events…I wonder how deep that store truly is?

Maybe it is that store that empties as you sit with them that then needs to refill over the coming weeks and months before it can be used again to draw on for that energy that helps you find life again….the emphasis must be on us understanding the need to refill it with positive energy.

Love to you all…..I am thinking of all of you today and drawing all the advice YOU have given me over the weeks and months.

Post from: Widows Quest

Be the change you want to see in the world

Anna Farmery — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:37:33 +0000

It was Gandhi who made this comment and do you know I feel it is as apt for widows and widowers as it is for people wanting to make societal or political change.

Readers know that I am on a constant roller coaster of emotion…that little old lady called grief manages to shake me to the core every now and then, just to remind me that overcoming a bereavement is hard. So just when it seems easier, just when I seem to be back in control of my own emotions….grief prods me to remind me that it is still there Nice of grief really!

If we do want to be that happy, fun loving person as Gandhi said…then we must BE that person. When we live like that person we trick our sub conscious into believing they are that person. Now the hard bit with grief which we need to recognize is that bad days will still come, that is for sure…and it is a test in our true desire to BE that person…because if we truly do…then we will accept the bad days and as soon as possible get back to BEING that person we want to BE in this world.

Post from: Widows Quest

Control – what control?

Anna Farmery — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:46:20 +0000

Oh dear I have slipped today, after such a good week – but hey isn’t that what grieving is all about?

This week is such a bad week for me I need to be in 3 places at once, most days and I am feeling totally out of control. I wish that I didn’t have to balance so many competing things….

When you get out of control, doesn’t it feel so depressing? You start to feel as though no one values YOU, that you seem to spend your life pleasing other people, accommodating other people…but who is there now for YOU? (Widows Quest community accepted of course)

I was thinking tonight about how to pull myself through this…and came up with one key thought. When you are out of control, the only thing is to

Make a list of actions with critical dates
Prioritize them (based on the dates for me)
Take each action one at a time
Don’t waste time panicking, use that time to grab your control back

The good news is that this makes total sense, the bad news is that I still feel alone and fearful….grieving can strip that belief you can achieve the impossible away, I need to make my first action….find where that self belief has gone for the moment

Post from: Widows Quest

Don’t Forget Our Online Support Meeting!

Anna Farmery — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:58:48 +0000

Don’t forget about our next online meeting being held at 6pm New York time on 16th October. That’s tomorrow!

You can sign up, remember it is free of charge and easy to do!, at the Widows Quest Wiki Page.

It is one hour which I really look forward to as I hear from all of you of how you are coping and in some small way we can try and support each other like only widows and widowers can…..if you haven’t joined before, we would love to hear from you and it really is easy… all you have to do it

1) Go to our sign up page http://widowsquest.wetpaint.com/

2) Follow the instructions – basically there is a web link and a password!

3) When you are there just listen or join in as you see fit…..you will need a microphone to join in but don’t worry there is a chat function for those without microphones.

It is free, it is online, it is open and honest. ….and I have always felt better after speaking to you all!

Post from: Widows Quest

A Song about Grief and Loss

Anna Farmery — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:19:58 +0000

I receive wonderful emails, many which are too personal to share or you ask not to share. But here is one from Gerrit Hofsink

“After reading your post about music on Widows Quest, I would like to share a song with you. It is called “Still” and you can find it on my website: www.myspace.com/gerrithofsink

It’s the first one on the player. I wrote this song after our daughter had a stillborn son, their first child and our first grandchild.

Kind regards,

Gerrit”

I think you will all enjoy the music as well as the words which are so powerful – Gerrit thank you for sharing the song about grief and loss with us all at Widows Quest.

Post from: Widows Quest