Talking about your grief
December 11, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief, Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
On a recent blog post Emotional Pain and Hurt, I told the story of how grief overwhelmed me and how I was given a second chance at life. I thought long and hard before I wrote that blog post because that is a private story of my bereavement that I haven’t wanted to tell before…it was too raw, too painful.
I told it because of the widow who wrote to me not knowing how to cope with her loss. I hoped to help her….and yet, in a way I think I helped my own grief. That story has been buried deep in my soul, I had hidden it not from the world but in many ways from me. Yes, it was me that suffered that pain but I almost saw her as a separate person…not actually me – if that makes sense?
Writing that post, has helped me surface those emotions and accept that it WAS me and that those feelings had been real. I write this to say, you know sometimes we 
keep emotions hidden so deep within our soul, that we become afraid of letting them out. But you know, sometimes letting them out is part of the healing process rather than causing any more pain.
That is true for me and may be true for you. Don’t let the grief fester…let the grief out, let your soul cleanse, let your heart heal.
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Anna,
Letting grief out isn’t something we are taught or indeed encouraged to do, except by those who know how incredibly painful, raw and totally over powering it can be. They are the ones who know we HAVE to in order to survive.
How few people really know how much courage, strength and self control it can take just to get dressed and go do the shopping. The diversionary tactics you use to keep your brain on the mundane needs of yet another day when your emotions are demanding you stand and scream/ask WHY/sob/curl into a ball or just shout ‘GO AWAY!’ (delete as applicable – or not).
How many understand the level of self control it takes to hold rational conversation, make ‘necessary decisions’ and take care of the children while your over riding thoughts, desires and emotions scream for the one person who made you feel whole, real and loved.
All the while you are working through this process. This totally individual process of adapting to one of the things your really aren’t capable of understanding.
I’m new to this but we all hide some things. Let’s face it, most people would be shocked and frightened if they saw the reality of what happens when you get the space, privacy and get to release all that grief, how ever briefly. Who, but the person we grieve for, knows what we are really missing.
The closest we come is being able to open up to others who have lost similar relationships. People who have had to make similar adjustments, support children while they grieve, realize that their whole reality, security, support, family structure, social standing and future just changed. No choice, no one to ask questions of, get answers from. Thats just to begin with and there is nothing to be done but adapt.
An analogy for letting out the grief this way could be like being in free fall without a parachute. The more you throw out the more it slow you down till you can cope and stops you crashing quite so hard. Trouble is it just keeps happening -it’s like you only let a bit out a at a time, as you can cope with it – then another ledge to fall off – that free fall and you have to find more things to slow it down to a speed you can cope with. Grabbing at straws to try to save yourself.
At least the straw you grab can turn into a hand that belongs to someone who can understand and help if you are lucky.
If we catch each other we can learn faster. Not fall so fast, so far or so hard till we heal.
Being lonely doesn’t feel the same in this crowd. Some one usually says ‘Me to.’ Then you feel less isolated. Much less isolated. Well, that’s just my thoughts – thanks for the opportunity to think about it and the help you give.
Wow Debi… wonderful prose that so clearly explains the situation we, as widows, find ourselves. You have a wonderful way with words, as does Annie.
Deb
Debi, You said it in a way I could not articulate. Thank you for putting all that change so clearly. I am in that place still when I can’t understand ‘why’; this blog helps me so much to understand that it IS real, there are all those others out there who are struggling with the same ‘why’….thank you. Maggie
I’m just glad it makes sense. Ridicule is not something that would be helpful and to risk it but get positive results is good for me – thank you. It helps to let it out and it helps to hear it from others.
I try to let ‘why?’ go as unanswerable and where madness lies. Hopefully ‘why?’ will reveal it’s self some day but I doubt I will ever work it out for myself. I still shout it out loud sometimes though! Just don’t expect an answer. How are you handling ‘why?’ Maggie if you don’t mind me being bold enough to ask?
I couldn’t sleep,and found this posting. It has been 8 months since I lost my husband, my best friend. The words here made so much sense to me. I am very blessed with family and friends, but feel like I am alone and wondering.
I needed these words tonight.
Gosh I think this post and also the comments really show how we all need some words to help us express our feelings. I often wish that I was better with words, I know what I am thinking but don’t always find the right words….people then don’t fully understand my feelings. There is a gap in what I think I have expressed and what I am actually feeling…..the strange thing is that the conversations that are the most misunderstood are the ones I have with myself!
How true! I find re-reading the thoughts I have written down totally confusing sometimes. I keep a book to write it all out in. Get the frustration out and somehow sort thru my mind on paper. Having to order them to put them down helps. When I go back and read the words I wonder where I was when I thought them sometimes.
You ask yourself so many questions you KNOW you don’t have answers to and get angry when you can’t solve the question. No wonder we get confused. These are questions that have been asked since language began that no one has yet worked out the right answer in all that time and we expect to get it.
How can you understand when there is no right answer and how can you find the right words. No wonder we don’t get it all out and get misunderstood.
I just want my other half and he’s gone. Simple want + basic fact = total emotional, mental and life mayhem. Looks simple but it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.