The Eve of Lost Love
December 31, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
If there is one night of the year that hits me hard it is New Year’s Eve, and I have never really understood why? We never used to do anything special as neither of us were party goers. I think it is the sense of starting a new year, without him….I think the grief can be explained by
E = Expectations were always high as we faced the new year together, now those expectations are about more about surviving than living
V=Vacuum. For all that you try and fill your life and fill your time…on special nights that vacuum seems stronger.
E = Everyone I see is together, together laughing and together loving…..that just brings the loneliness home even more.
Now I sound down and that is not right on New Years Eve. My life is full of many things, 
my life is full of hope and that is how I will face tonight. I will cry no doubt but also smile at the knowledge that no matter what this world throws at me I will get through due to the love that will never leave me.
This is my first New Years’ Eve without Rick. I will get through it. My family will be with me. But, this was the one night in the year that we used to reserve for us alone. We would make a wonderful dinner as we both loved to cook. Then, at midnight, we would toast the coming year with champagne. We did this last year with great hope. It was to be our time, for Rick had officially retired on Dec. 31st. Then came our year of hell. Jan. 3rd of this year he had his first seizure and was subsequently diagnosed with a brain tumour. After five months spent in a fog of chemo, radiation and surgery along with several late night emergency trips to the hospital my beloved husband died on June 2nd. So this will be my hardest time, I think. But I am surrounding myself with family and hoping for the best. My son wants us to give 2008 a kick in the pants and get on with 2009. I hope we can do it. It won’t be easy but we’ll get on with it.
I hope that everyone in the Widow’s Quest community can look upon tonight as another milestone in the quest for happiness. I will never forget my husband but I have to find my own way now and I believe I am doing that one step at a time. I hope the same for all of you.
Happy New Year.
This will be my first New Year’s Eve without Dave and like Anna we did very little usually and rarely lasted until Midnight the last few years, yet I have had a lot of apprehension facing this date. I will be alone, which is typical of my life these days, family is so far away and made Christmas great so can not expect every holiday! I am putting my house on the market today, a fitting end to 2008 I guess and after much deliberation I am totally comfortable with getting on with my life, which will be relocation first. I am more sure of this move after Christmas, not a phone call or card from most of “our” friends, the few I knew I could depend on I did hear from but most are gone. I am hopeful and thankful, does that make sense? I am so grateful for the wonderful years with the love that we shared, our marriage had ups and downs but the majority was up and the downs were never steep, I had so much more than so many. On Saturday it will be six months since his actual death, yet I lost him a few months before that as the chemo caused strokes and the loss of him really living.
Anna I want to thank you for your words, which have helped me through some pretty ugly days and I know I still have those ahead of me. I have learned I have a deeper faith than I realized and that I can depend on God to be there for me when no one else is, I hae learned that this pain will never cease but will lessen in time and I have learned that I am stronger than I thought! I wish all of us a New Year that in some way eases this journey, tranisitions us to Plan B in as painless a way as possible and also a year that brings us smiles and memories as our loved ones would wish.
Deb
Deb, I was struck by the line “not a phone call or card from most of “our friends”.” I had the same thing happen to me. I did however receive wishes from a few young people who had worked for my husband in the past. Some people do surprise you. My husband’s so-called best friend promised to never forget and to help me out with my yard and snow shovelling among other things. I haven’t heard from him since August. Go figure. At least I know now from experience how much little things mean to a person grieving and hope never to emulate these people.
Anyway, sounds like you are making some positive decisions in your life. I wish you all the best for the new year.
Hey, folks, I have returned from my journey into Cold Country (aka Minnesota). Feels good to be warm again down here in Texas.
I share Anna’s feelings – we also didn’t do anything special, these last several years, on New Year’s Eve, but it will be something to get through – as so many of the other “firsts” have been. I was very fortunate to have Christmas Eve with my small family group and then breakfast the following morning with my sister and her “boyfriend” (he’s in his mid-60’s – is that phrase relative?) plus my mother. All four of us have lost a spouse – ironic, isn’t it? That made this first Christmas so much easier.
So, I am trying to approach this with a positive attitude and my chin held high. Leslie, Deb and I have lost our spouses in this year that is about to pass. We have gone through the absolute worst of life’s experiences, so I hope that there are much better things ahead for all of us.
** Hugs ** to my friends and compadres on this site. Happy New Year to all.
How wonderful it is that here I am and reading all your thoughts….it just shows that we are not alone and though we only get together in words we are there for each other
Hi Everyone,
Tonight is another of my firsts also. Like many of you, we never did anything special but we did always have a toast (sometimes WAY before midnight cause we couldn’t stay awake).
Today has been my hardest first. I feel like I never want this day to end because it will signify the end of my last year with my James. and then I will wake up tomorrow on the first day of my first year without him. I had a friend that was coming over and I told her I needed to grieve alone tonight. Not sure if this was the right thing for me to do but I still feel in my heart that it is necessary.
Perhaps I can wake up tomorrow and have a slight hope that the new year will be okay. I do wish I had family here but I do not.
I found an old notice on the local grocery bulletin board about a new local support group, who of course, met on the 22nd of December so I missed them this month BUT it gave me a number and the organizer has been so kind to me. She told me of another group on the 9th of January so I will give this a try.
Anyways, I am not sure how to say happy new year as there is no feeling of happiness at all BUT I can say let us all find strength in each other and do out best to make 2009 the best year it can be.
Thank you all,
Donna