The Idea of Widowhood
September 16, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
It always amazes me how the word widows or widowers often provokes an emotional response. You get the touch of the arm, maybe an embarrassed look or the one which I feel cringe worthy….”Oh I am sorry”
I understand the reaction because people feel the pain of loss, they know that bereavement is awful and they also know that there are no words which can take away that sense of loss.
However, when you think about it widowhood has some good signs..
- It means you are one of the lucky people in the world who found their true love!
- It means that you understand much more about the world and the world of emotion.
When I think about it – I would rather be a widow than someone who has never loved at all. But even as I write that…it makes me passionately want him back 
Finally, if we are getting that reaction…maybe it is how we are saying the word. It is not a disease or something that we should be ashamed of…it is something happens, it is not our fault…it is not our curse….it is just a word.
Let’s be proud of having loved…
Oh Anna, what a positive spin! Obviously your visit with you mum is going well, I am so glad you are taking the time to be with her and to share memories and just everyday things. I have been reflecting a lot on this “widow” thing, one of my new neighbors has approached me about “seeing someone”…I know they have someone in mind and will not push but has caused me to reflect on where I am and where I have been and where I want to be going. I miss the male perspective on things and someone to watch football with and maybe go have a sandwich with but beyond that…not sure. I have not made a decision and don’t feel I have to right now but was a new item in my constantly changing life right now. I go to another widows blog often and there was this written today and it describes where I am right now I think:
That one comment, or a variation on it continues to be stated over and over as the years pass. “I would have never thought….”, “You are just so young….”, “You seem to be doing so well….”, etc. I guess if we aren’t crying in our drinks all the time, wearing a lumpy black dress, or looking more than a bit hagard we aren’t recognizeable as widows. I have described this condition in the past as being sort of invisibly mummified – no one can see the dangling torn bandages but you, but they are there. The bruises and bumps of grief in many of us aren’t outwardly apparent. They are there nonetheless.
I guess I’d rather not be immediately recognized as a widow, if looking like a widow means terminal unhappiness, misery, and hagardness. But, I do wear my invisible scars as a badge of honor. I did not choose this path, but I have become something I would not have otherwise. Given the choice, I’d rather be the weaker, untested, old-me, with my healthy and happy husband by my side. Not given the choice, I will be proud of what I have done in the face of such a challenge. I will take my limes and make margaritas for my girls any day. Care to join me?
As you know I am not one to grieve in public but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there…yet I find peaks of happiness and feel that is a good thing. You and Mary and Leslie have helped me go this far on this journey and I am so thankful.
Deb
I really enjoyed reading this article. I have always believed that widowhood means an accelerated journey through life and a much better understanding of why we are here.
Anna, you have a sparkle about you which tells me you are in top gear
I feel so lucky to have found your site. The “love of my life” my husband were only married for 12 years, but spent a lot of time saying we wish we had met and married in the 1970’s! Strangely our paths did cross and I have a perfect memory of how he looked and sounded, even though at the time I never knew his name. Jack served in Vietnam in 1968 and struggled with PTSD “symptom clusters” about every ten years. Last year was no exception, only worse and in July 2009 he took his own life. This strong, funny man who would never think of doing this to his family. We have wonderful grown kids, great friends, and a caring community, but I’m lost. I always put on my public face when what I really want to do is scream and cry till God gives him back. I just know your site will be helpful. Thank you!
Sheryl – and hopefully you may join in one of our online support meetings in the future. I cannot imagine your pain….I am not sure this will help, but I know that often taking your life doesn’t feel like cowardice or not being able to cope…it is sometimes a strength to leave this world and wait for you in the new life. Often it is done for what feels like the ‘right reason’…I know that sounds strange….
I hope that we can help you through …one thing is for sure you will have many ups and downs…many twists and turns but you are not alone, not at the widows quest community xx