The Mixed Emotions of Grief – Part 2
February 11, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
I realised that some of the post was missing from The Mixed Emotions of Grief which I have corrected – call it mid life crisis! But for those of you who missed it then here are the love and hate emotions that I feel – am I alone?
I love the fact we found each other
I hate the fact you were torn away
I love the fact that I got to feel real love
I hate the fact I long for that love again
I love the fact he came into my life
I hate the fact he left my life
I love my life
I hate my life
I love my memories
I hate the pain of memories
Do any of these make sense to you? As sometimes I have huge pangs of guilt at both loving and hating?
I am reading through your blogs drenched in tears. Tomorrow is 9 months. I didn’t want to live without him. Lately a friend from the past has found me. He has been searching for me for 18 years, his love never faded. I am finally smiling again but I hate that I am beginning to love again. I feel so completely guilty because my heart can feel again. I never thought I would love again. I never wanted to. I am scared to let go of the past, I am scared to face the future. But a love from 18 years past is slowly bringing me back to live. I love it. And I hate it. Most of all, I am afraid of it.
Stephanie don’t hate it, love is a wonderful thing. I never believe that finding love again is wrong…..our hearts are there to love. No matter what we do we cannot bring our loved ones back and loving again is not about disloyalty it is about recognising that we are human with human needs.
We can still honor the memories, we can still feel their love….love will be different but it can be great. It may be a surprise but I envy you….I would love to find love again, not because I want to forget but because I want to remember what it is like to love? Does that make sense?