The Pain of Falling Out of Love
October 22, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
An unusual post today as I was prompted to write about this following an email which I received recently.
I have always said I feel lucky to have loved and talked a lot about the pain of losing that love and the greif that follows….but I was asked
“What do you think is worse…losing the love of your life through death or having the love of your life leave in this world?”
Gosh, that is a difficult one and first of I would say they are both grief….both are situations about loss.
I wonder what you all think ?
For me I actually think the pain of someone fall out of love with you may actually be the hardest grief? That pain that the person who used to look at you in a way that made the world melt away, now feels nothing….I think is possibly the hardest.
I say that because death doesn’t part you from the happy memories or from knowing how much they loved you. Death is final, there is no hope, there is no sense of maybe…just maybe….they will come back.
It made me think that as much as I hate the loss…..one thing I should be totally grateful for is that
I may have lost their body, but I haven’t…and never will…lose their soul
Anna, I feel that losing a loved one to divorce may be worse than losing him in death. At least we all still have our happy memories to hold onto. We will always carry their love in our hearts. I recently met a woman whose husband left her for a younger woman this past summer. She is stunned and her self esteem has taken a very big hit. She did not see this coming until he told her. I wish I could help her but it is so difficult as I can see that she has no confidence in herself whatsoever. Not only has she lost her husband but she now is afraid to make any decisions, probably questioning her judgement. While we may be lonely and miss our spouses, we carry a love around in our hearts. She carries a hurt that is very deep and I’m sure will take a long time to get over. You are right when you say that we have lost their bodies but not their souls. This woman has lost everything.
I can only speak for myself with this issue but I lost my first husband in a divorce after 20 years of marriage. He left for a younger woman and married two in a row – his third wife now wants a divorce. I lost Don to pancreatic cancer after 5 years of courtship and 20 years of marriage. I have to say that this was much harder for me personally. Marriage to Don was a gift and one that didn’t last long enough! The pain of loss has been much more severe than the pain of divorce.
Interesting post Anna and question, I went ONCE to a support group at our church that included Widowed,Seperated and Divorced…I walked out at the first break! The divorced especially were very bitter and negative, their stories were heartwrenching in their own way but so totally different than what I was feeling and still feel. I think divorce would be devastating, to maybe see the person you love in person later happy with someone else, what a hurt that much be! I also think few divorces end with good emotion, it is a “failure” and although we gain from failing, many do not learn or gain but only are left with distrust and low self-esteem, as Leslie noted. I feel that the hurts are not comparable and that is why I left the meeting, I did not have a choice in the ending of my marriage and although I will not suffer the pain of seeing him happy with someone else, I suffer from the loss of a joy and love that was in so many ways my life…it is difficult to even explain the void this loss has left, it is a unique loss I think, and not comparable to a failed marriage, just my opinion. I am very thankful to have my happy memories, something divorced do not seem to have.
Deb
Interesting….I two have had both and although both are terrible, I think walking in on them in bed together had to be the worst…Death is awful and so stupid! But I don’t feel he left me, I feel we are still together and we will be again…wheras being cheated on just ripped my heart out…I was so in love and that feeling of rejection and being unloved ….yuk! Don’t want to go there again…
Maybe it depends on how strong that relationship is? I know that I wouldn’t wish either on my worst enenmy!!