The Wonder of Memories
February 18, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Building Memorials
Ever since I suffered my bereavement, I have had a mixed recollection of memories. Let me explain…
I can remember feelings, I can remember places, I can remember events and yet I cannot remember his face. The only memory that I have is that of him dying in the hospital, it is as though my mind has blocked out any other memories I have….I thought with time they would return and yet no….they remain elusive.
At first I hated it, I wanted to remember the smile, the face, they eyes….and now I wonder whether it is a good thing? The fact that I remember the experiences brings back great memories, the fact that I cannot remember his face means that I, in a way, don’t see him which would make me hurt more.
I sometimes wonder whether I am the only person who has this memory block ? Am I doing it subconciously to block out pain or the pain of grief? Or am I losing out on those wonderful pictures of the mind?
Would love your thoughts…
Anna I feel so sad that you can not remember the face, perhaps it is a good thing in your situation, to me I know I time the details will fade and at 7 months plus I am dreading those days. For now I see his face many times a day, laughing at me for dumb things I do or just smiling his ever-present smile, it probably helps that I have so many pictures although I avoid any from the last few months, he failed physically so quickly. I do not over indulge in the picture display but have our 20th anniversary picture where I can see it in the morning and have a favorite recent snapshot on the refrigerator. At this point I don’t need them to see him but in time I might. I remember the places, we did so much traveling and had so much fun, I have no regrets, one very positive thing about my journey. I do not remember him in Hospice House or the weeks before unless I see a picture…that is not the man I married and by that time he no longer knew me so he wasn’t Dave. Our subconsious does protect us it seems. How goes the sleep???
Deb
Anna, I feel for you. It does seem like your last memory is still the strongest, so that’s what keeps coming back to you. When Michael died, I wasn’t with him. But when I found him, he looked so peaceful. I think it’s been easier for me to remember him, knowing that he finally was free of the torture his body had begun to give him. If I’d been with him in his last moments, it would take a lot longer to get back to seeing his face in my memory. It’s painful what you’ve been through. You know that, though.
I have pictures of him displayed around my house. In fact there’s one of him in front of me as I type. Sometimes it hurts to look at them. Sometimes it seems like a dream. Was I really married to this man? He’s gone and it doesn’t seem real. (At least not at this moment.)
I think it takes a long time for the mind to heal, as well as the heart.
Hugs,
Mary
Anna, my Pat died of cancer. He was so wasted away at the end even though it was fairly quick. I have always had a defense mechanism (my brother shares this) of blocking painful things from my memory. I was so scared that this would happen. Everyone said it never would but like you, I lost his face for a while. Just that sad, sick man I hardly recognized from his former self that told me everything would be okay even as he was dying. I kept wishing I could remember his face, his laugh and so scared they were gone forever. As months went by, things would pop back into my mind at the oddest times. They were so welcome. I have a close up profile shot of him that I had taken with my digital camera. I had it enlarged into an 8 x 10 and carried it with me through the house. It is a wonderful shot of his mischievous smile. Now, all I have to do is close my eyes and there he is.
Stephanie you give me hope as I still haven’t got there…but knowing others took a while then maybe one day…I hope so as now there is just a blank though I do remember feelings and experiences…which is weird?