What creates sorrow?
November 12, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.
Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow.
Let reality be reality”
Lao-tse Chinese Philosopher
For the next few posts I want to pick out some quotes which I have written down from the book I by Jim Clemmer, I told you about in Coping with Change in Our Life.
This quote stood out because it made me think how in a sense – bear with me on this! – it is not the death which creates our grief but our resistance to accepting what has happened. It is our resistance to letting go, to accepting they won’t come back, to learning to live solo once again…that creates that sense of loneliness and often depression.
Yet that resistance is only creating sorrow…it is not making anything better, it is not bringing them back, it is merely creating even more pain. We have already felt the pain of loss, then we go and add to it by resisting that change has happened.
I make is sound so easy…just stop resisting and everything will be fine!…and I know that it is not easy. However, acceptance is such a huge part of our new life, acceptance is the only antidote to resistance.
Maybe we should write down all the things which we are resisting and plan a way of accepting them? What do you resist the most?
Anna, Even though I have always thought that once I accepted my husband’s death that I would be well on the road to recovery, the one stumbling block I keep running into is being independent of him for the rest of my life.
I am stronger in many ways since he died and I don’t want anyone to replace him at this time in my life but I still miss him so deeply and so painfully. I do so many more things than I did; I have taken on projects I didn’t know I was ready for and I’m through with the “what ifs” and guilt feelings ; traveling and meetings new friends, on and on. I still can’t picture me without him for many years ahead. I know it’s not rational – it is what it is.
Cindy, everything you wrote completely sums up how I feel. I have accepted Rick’s death. I have done things I never would have done before. I know I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Yet, when I look to the future it is so difficult to see me without seeing “we”. I know it has to be but I still have trouble wrapping my head around it. I guess that comes with time.