Widows Quest » Bereavement and Children

On this day…..we miss you Dad

Anna Farmery — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:37:42 +0000

The 5th of November, 6 years ago at 8.08pm was a sad day for our family. We lost Dad who was such a wonderful gentleman..and gentle man. I will never forget being there with mum as he said goodbye to the world with fireworks lighting up the earth (It is Bonfire night in the UK on the 5th) We always liked to think of that as the world celebrating his life and sending him on his way with such a fitting tribute.

Today I am in London, away from my special mum who I know reads this blog. I hope that regular readers won’t mind me taking this change to say this to mum

Mum…there isn’t a daughter more proud in the world of how you have coped in grief. I know how much you loved Dad, I know how much he loved you and my fear was that you would give up fighting. You have managed to build a life and yet still be there for us …..for that, if it is possible, I love you more each day.

On this day when we will always remember losing Dad, I also want to pay tribute to you. You are a wonderful mum, full of such love and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you….well maybe stroke a chicken so phobia’s excluded!)….I will always miss Dad but having your love, support and strength makes this world a better place.

Dad….we will never forget you, never…hope wherever you are, you have plenty of chocolate gingers to eat….and as I suspect can watch your family continue to grow because of the love you gave them xxx

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Ideas on Living Life

Anna Farmery — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:02:12 +0000

The loss of a child, well I just cannot imagine the pain. I cannot imagine finding the strength to write about it but I was emailed about a book from Shirley Enebrad. Now I haven’t read the book but wanted to share some of the story and lessons from cancer

More children die from cancer than all of the other diseases combined,

“The flip side of placing a high value on human life is the fear of dying,” said Enebrad, author of Over the Rainbow Bridge “My son, Cory, never looked at that side of the coin. He only saw life, and he envisioned his life as nothing more – and nothing less – than an opportunity to inspire others.”

“He asked me to write this book to help teach people that death is not the end and that we should not be afraid,” she said. “He loved the message in the song ‘The Rose,’ especially the lyric ‘those afraid of dying cannot learn to live.’

Cory also wanted to share his ideas on living life, no matter the circumstances:

- Live like there’s no tomorrow, love with all your heart and laugh until your spirit lights up!
- There is an afterlife where our soul/essence/spirit lives on.
- No matter what happens — choose happiness.
- Helping people helps you to grow as a person.

“Cory’s life was about teaching people how to live, to make every moment count and that life is a gift.”

You know why is it that those who are dying are often the ones with the strength? Why are those who die so rational? Why is it that the living think more about death and the dying think about living….

(30% of net proceeds from his biography will be donated to Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation of Western Washington (WWA) and CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation)

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Practical Grief Tips for Children

Anna Farmery — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:45:29 +0000

I met up with an old school friend at the weekend. She has lost her husband – who she met at primary school, a real love story – and has 3 small children. She talked to me about how hard it is to have lost the only man she had ever been with, not only loved. How difficult it is to keep positive for her young children….

But then she shared with me a wonderful idea.

What she did was go and buy some disposable cameras. She gave one to each child and asked them to take photos which reflected

How they used to feel

How they feel now

How they want to feel in the future

The children used photo’s to express their emotions, the older boy especially found this much easier than talking about how he was feeling. The idea was so successful that they do it every few weeks to show the changes, and also they make collages of the photo’s and put them in a frame.

I love this idea, as it is a great way for children to express feelings which often they can’t put words to….but it is also fun and brings the family together.

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Happy Birthday Dad – I Miss You…

Anna Farmery — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:27:46 +0000

Today – the Glorious 12th as we know it in the UK – is my Dad’s birthday.

Dad was a wonderful gentleman who is missed very much from our lives. The years go by since we lost him from our lives but I can tell you, he is never far from our minds.

I had the privilege – and it was a true privilege – to speak at the funeral on behalf of my mum. I wanted to share with you today a little of what I said

“…As he did fall asleep there were fireworks to be heard and seen outside the hospital as if the world was celebrating his life and saying a spectacular goodbye of their own. Somehow so fitting that a Dad who was humble in so many ways, left this world to such a glowing tribute.

It was driving my mum home that night that the answer to one of the world’s great riddles suddenly became clear…’Why on earth would any parent name their newborn son, Horstine??’

You see, I suddenly understood what gran and granddad had realised on 12 August 1924 – something that we would all see later…that the bundle of joy they held was no ordinary little fellow…this baby was going to be an extraordinary human being with an extraordinary love of people and deserved an extraordinary name. Somehow that name that had led him to have to explain it so many times, suddenly meant so much to me.

But he will and should be remembered for his gift for invention, and his incredible gift for relating to people. In a world full of stresses and strains my Dad had the ability to always find time for his colleagues, friends and family. He had a compassion for the underdog, always trying to help people and seeing the good in them. He just wanted to help anyone he touched the life of and for that Dad, I cannot tell you how proud your family are of you“

I know this is a long excerpt – and I won’t quote the whole of it, much to your relief I am sure! – but I wanted to remember Dad on this day.

Dad, I wasn’t the perfect daughter in so many ways but I love you, I miss you and of course each day I keep that promise of looking after that lady who stole your heart almost 50 years ago. Sleep well xx

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Happy Birthday, Mum!

Anna Farmery — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:36:58 +0000

I remember so clearly losing Dad and promising him that I would look after the lady he had loved so much – my mum. Well today she is celebrating her 79th birthday. I still live too far away to nip in for a cup of coffee and some of her gorgeous home baking but I did go and see her this weekend and we went out for tea.

I love my mum so much, I am lucky that we have always had a special connection. I used to spend hours sat on her knee as a child and we share a ‘wicked’ sense of humour.

I sent her a card saying that she is my friend, my world, my everything….and she is…When you lose someone so special like Dad, it makes sure that you value the love you have and the people around you. You see Dad is still having an effect after all these years.

Mum is also a shining example to everyone of how to rebuild a life without the man she loves…she misses him every day yet she is out and about enjoying the friendships she has made and makes us younger ones seem as though we don’t have enough energy.

Happy Birthday, Mum! This is a photo of Mum and her 99 year old Mum as well

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Songs for Childrens Funerals

Anna Farmery — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:17:31 +0000

The music at a funeral can be very emotive and I know how important it is to choose the right song. We had a question

earlier this week about songs which are suitable for childrens funerals. I found a website that suggests

Funeral Songs and Memorial Music for a Child’s Service

My Heart Will Go On – performed by Celine Dion (Sample lyrics – “Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, that is how I know you go on”
In Dreams - performed by Roy Orbison (Sample lyrics – “In dreams I walk with you. in dreams I talk to you. In dreams youre mine. all of the time were together In dreams, in dreams.”)
Tears in Heaven- performed by Eric Clapton. This song is very touching, especially as it was written after the death of Eric Clapton’s own young son.
One Sweet Day- performed by Mariah Carey, featuring Boyz II Men. (Sample lyrics – “And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven, Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way, And I know eventually we’ll be together, One sweet day.”)
Perhaps Love – performed by John Denver (Sample lyrics – “And even if you lose yourselfAnd don`t know what to do, The memory of love will see you through”

Music Especially Dear for the Memorial of a Baby or Toddler

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star – available in various forms and lovely played live on piano.
Jesus Loves Me – a popular children’s hymn.
All Through the Night – a beautiful old Irish tune with words by Sir Harold Boulton (1859 – 1935) (Sample lyrics – ” Sleep my child and peace attend thee, All through the night. Guardian angels God will send thee, All through the night.”)

If people have other comments would love to hear them but I hope that this helps plan a wonderful memorial.

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Children and Bereavement

Anna Farmery — Thu, 28 May 2009 21:29:46 +0000

Rob Gordon has sent a link to a book which helps children coping with grief. It is called Someone I love is Dying. I haven’t read the book but if you know someone with children it may be worth checking out. It is described as

” a tool for children and parents dealing with terminal illness and the loss of a loved one. The beginning children’s story highlights various stages of grief and concludes with a journal. The journal is used to record the child’s feelings while creating their very own memory book.”

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Balloons, children and Bereavement

Anna Farmery — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:57:07 +0000

My friend who I have written about before lost her husband a couple of years ago. At the time the children seemed to cope with the loss relatively well, yet recently they have had some behavioral problems. When she talked to them they told her that they wanted to see Daddy and how they wanted to talk to him, that they had never really said goodbye.

The other day she took them to a park which they used to visit as a family. She gave them some paper and a pen each. She asked them to write down what they wanted Daddy to know. After they had finished they tied the notes to a balloon each and let them go….into the sky.

I thought this was a wonderful idea. The children being young now have a pack of balloons by the side of their bed and any time they want to tell Daddy something then they can tie it to a balloon.

Will it work in the long run, time will tell but I think as a parent my friend is showing how important it is to find ways of allowing your children to express their grief. I thought I would share it with you…

Do you have any ideas to share to help widows and widowers with their children’s grief?

cloud, storms, water

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Thoughts Ahead of Mothering Sunday

Anna Farmery — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 19:21:49 +0000

When Dad died one good thing that came of it was a closeness with my mum. Mum and I have always had a special bond but somehow we had grown apart unknowingly. During the time Dad was ill, that closeness reformed and to this day..Mum and I have a new relationship.

They say for every death there is a birth and that was the case for me and my parents. That nagging regret about Dad, about not spending enough time with him, has ensured that I will never have the same regret with Mum. Ahead of tomorrow here are 5 reasons why I love my mum.

The love of a mum is unconditional and based on the ultimate human love.
Mum is in many ways eccentric but in her eccentricity lies her uniqueness
Mum will never let me down but will always lift me up
There may be many friends but there will only ever be one mum
Because I will never feel alone whilst she breaths on this earth…..

Mum, love you loads and thank you for not being perfect! Within your imperfections lie a wonderful human being who makes me smile!

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Don’t Let Grief Eat From The Inside

Anna Farmery — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:39:52 +0000

Grief although such a natural emotion – one that will happen to all of us at some time during our life - it can cause such unnatural emotions and changes to our bodies and minds.

It is strange, grief feels uncontrollable and yet if we let grief control us, then we can potentially rot inside our soul.

I believe that we need to allow the grief to flow….but that is us allowing ourselves so we are in control!….then we need to find the strength to turn the grief into positive change. If we let go emotionally and let grief take hold then we change for the worse. My hope is that

Bereavement is harsh, death is cold but if we learn about ourselves during that time then we can come out of the tunnel of grieving a better person. We can come out understanding love, understanding ourselves, understanding humanity, understanding the need to empathize…but most of all…

We learn to be grateful for all the things we have, rather than down about the material things that we don’t have and often don’t need.

Grief can eat from inside, but there is two things that act as an anitbiotic to it….a smile and a hug

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