• The natural first one which was emotional fear
• The second was how honored I would be to reflect the life of a lady whom I loved very much

I wanted to share with you my thoughts and ask you all for advice on what makes a eulogy special, how can I make the euology as great as it can be?

Nana was not the archetypal sentimental Nana, she was feisty and spirited – exactly why I loved her. As I sit wondering what to say, I realise that I have to reflect that it was those imperfections which I loved the most….I always hope that when people die, friends and family remember the whole person – that they don’t make them into a saint. There are few of them in history never mind the world!… and often the reason we love them the most was that they weren’t perfect, that they were….well, human.

One tip to stem the nerves and the tears, which I learned when giving the eulogy at Dad’s funeral, was to understand that this is your final act for them. This is not about you and your feelings, this is about reflecting them and finding that strength to speak out for your loved one. I do fear tears, but I know that if I concentrate not on my feelings but on the last thing I can do for Nana…then I will find the courage to hold back the tears.

Here is a picture of my Nana taken a few weeks ago…..

Any advice for me?

Post from: Widows Quest

In Our Hearts
We thought of you with love today.
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday.
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence.
We often speak your name.
Now all we have is memories.
And your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake.
With which we’ll never part.
God has you in his keeping.
We have you in our heart..
author unknown

Four Candles
The first candle represents our grief.
The pain of losing you is intense.
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.
This second candle represents our courage.
To confront our sorrow,
To comfort each other,
To change our lives.
This third candle we light in your memory.
For the times we laughed,
The times we cried,
The times we were angry with each other,
The silly things you did,
The caring and joy you gave us.
This fourth candle we light for our love.
We light this candle that your light will always shine.
As we enter this holiday season and share this night of remembrance
with our family and friends.
We cherish the special place in our hearts
that will always be reserved for you.
We thank you for the gift
your living brought to each of us.
We love you.
We remember you.

Post from: Widows Quest

“A natural burial allows you to use your funeral as a conservation tool to create, restore and protect urban green spaces.” as defined by The Centre for Natural Burial.

The site has many details but I especially liked this idea

“Planting native trees, shrubs and flowers on or near the grave establishes a living memorial and helps form a protected wildlife preserve. A completed natural burial preserve is a green place with trees, grasses, and wildflowers, which in turn bring birds and other wildlife to the area.”

I would love the idea that people could walk in a peaceful area and feel that they are both close to me and close to nature. I was born in the countryside and it would almost literally be returning to my roots.

But for me…I still think that I would prefer to reach out and help others. For me, if I could help just one person from suffering or grief by people using my body for ’spare parts’ or by research then I would feel that my death was not in vain.

Funny, before my loss I never thought about my death..now I do because I realise it can happen so quickly and without warning. But one thing is for sure, I do hope that my plans do not have to enacted for a fair number of years yet

(Photo from Natural Burial)

Post from: Widows Quest

“You have two choices. You can give up and let people remember you as someone who gave up, who let life slip through their fingers, someone who didn’t think enough of their friends and family to dig deep and stay around to enjoy life together in the future!

Or you can fight, you can find that inner strength to come through the sense of loss. You can live your life remembering this  poem ….

A Song of Living by Amelia Josephine Burr

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.
I have sent up my gladness on wings, to be lost in the blue of the sky.
I have run and leaped with the rain, I have taken the wind to my breast.
My cheek like a drowsy child to the face of the earth I have pressed.
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I have kissed young Love on the lips, I have heard his song to the end.
I have struck my hand like a seal in the loyal hand of a friend.
I have known the peace of heave; the comfort of work done well.
I have longed for death in the darkness and risen alive out of hell.
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I give a share of my soul to the world where my course is run.
I know that another shall finish the task I must leave undone.
I know that no flower, nor flint was in vain on the path I trod.
As one looks on a face through a window, through life I have looked on God.
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

It is your choice but I want you to know that we will support, help and hug you all the way through the tunnel of grief. We will hold your hand whilst you move from breathing death to breathing life….we love you, we don’t want you to give up….”

We laugh about the harshness of the poem nowadays, but the harshness was needed at the time. I do care about the friends and family around, I can’t change death but I can change life.

Give up? No. Feel down at times? Yes. But never, never give up….

Post from: Widows Quest

earlier this week about songs which are suitable for childrens funerals. I found a website that suggests

Funeral Songs and Memorial Music for a Child’s Service

• My Heart Will Go On – performed by Celine Dion (Sample lyrics – “Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, that is how I know you go on”
• In Dreams - performed by Roy Orbison (Sample lyrics – “In dreams I walk with you. in dreams I talk to you. In dreams youre mine. all of the time were together In dreams, in dreams.”)
• Tears in Heaven- performed by Eric Clapton. This song is very touching, especially as it was written after the death of Eric Clapton’s own young son.
• One Sweet Day- performed by Mariah Carey, featuring Boyz II Men. (Sample lyrics – “And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven, Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way, And I know eventually we’ll be together, One sweet day.”)
• Perhaps Love – performed by John Denver (Sample lyrics – “And even if you lose yourselfAnd don`t know what to do, The memory of love will see you through”

Music Especially Dear for the Memorial of a Baby or Toddler

• Twinkle Twinkle Little Star – available in various forms and lovely played live on piano.
• Jesus Loves Me – a popular children’s hymn.
• All Through the Night – a beautiful old Irish tune with words by Sir Harold Boulton (1859 – 1935) (Sample lyrics – ” Sleep my child and peace attend thee, All through the night. Guardian angels God will send thee, All through the night.”)

Post from: Widows Quest

It made me think how the one person who probably misses the funeral the most, is always the person we are saying goodbye to… It made me think how I would love to be truly at my own funeral. I would love to see the effect I had on peoples lives, I would love to be there to put my arms around those I love to comfort them. I would love to have the chance to say in my own voice the words that I would want people to hear….

When I think back to our funeral my love was the one person who should have been there, to see the love people felt for him…to see the effect on the world his presence had made…..there just seems something so ironic that the dead are not their to celebrate their own life, and to enjoy the love of the world.

Post from: Widows Quest

I came across an article at Trendhunters about “An entrepreneur named Lynn Isenberg has brought new life to death with novel, personalized funerals” For example,

• A funeral for a lifelong golf enthusiast, for example, includes an end-of-life celebration on the 9th hole, complete with glow-in-the-dark golf balls engraved with the name of the recently deceased.
  
• The wake for an ice cream man from Rockland included, naturally, his ice cream truck, which was parked in front of the funeral home with its bells jingling and lights flashing. The ice cream truck later led the procession to the church and then to the cemetery. After the burial, free ice cream was handed out.
• For her own death she has planned an outdoor showing of To Kill a Mockingbird.

More than ever, my funeral is important to me. I don’t see it as my goodbye, I see it as my final chance to leave a happy memory on the earth – my final chance to make people smile. After all, the thing I love most is a group of family and friends smiling….

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

1. Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt.
2. Angels, Robbie Williams
3. I’ve Had the Time of My Life, Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley
4. Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler
5. Pie Jesu, Requiem
6. Candle in the Wind, Elton John
7. With or Without You, U2
8. Tears from Heaven, Eric Clapton
9. Every Breath You Take, The Police 
10. Unchained Melody, Righteous Brothers

Do you know when I go, I would want a happy song…one to make you smile or one that was upbeat. I  want people to celebrate my life not miss me. Mind you the song that makes me smile the most is Patricia the Stripper by Chris De Burgh which may not be exactly appropriate! 

Would you choose happy or sentimental?

{iStockphoto}

Post from: Widows Quest

“What do you think he has left behind?”  I replied

“A friendship that was constant and authentic. A passion for the truth. A trail of love and respect”

They answered

“No I mean money?”

I am not often stuck for words but this was one of those moments. Their life is over, for me it is a time for reflection, reflection of how much they brought to the world. Time to think about the friendship, a time to think about the value of what they brought to the world and what we will all miss……but then I suppose the world is made up of different people. I tell myself that the world is better for our differences…however, sometimes, just sometimes I wonder

[Photo from iStockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

1. I concentrated on seeing this as speaking on his behalf, this was not about me or my nerves this   was about speaking on behalf of my loved one. This gave me the strength to do it…I wanted to”do him proud”
2. I wrote the speech straight from the heart, I thought about what he would want me to say and wrote it as if we were speaking about it. I didn’t over edit it, I just let the words flow.
3. I printed it out in VERY BIG PRINT...sounds silly but if you have tears in your eyes, or your hands start to shake…then it is easier to read.
4. When I first stood up…I focused on a friend who I knew would smile and comfort me…I almost spoke the words to her…
5. I understood that this was emotional and that each person listening would know how hard it was for me to speak….I didn’t fear getting emotional and actually that ensured that I kept myself together. There is something in knowing that you can, that stops you from breaking down.
6. I had asked my cousin to take over if I did fail – therefore I had a back up plan just in case.
7. Speak slowly …and take 3-4 large breaths before you stand up.
8. Don’t make the speech too long….and also celebrate the life as well as acknowledging the loss.
9. I practised speaking out loud many times the night before…that way I almost knew it by heart and knew that I would not stutter.
10. I spoke early at the funeral, this allowed me to concentrate on delivering a worthy speech and then allowed me to become emotional and grieve during the rest of the time.

I hope these help you if you are faced with speaking at a funeral. Key is knowing that for once in your life, each person in the audience is on your side, empathetic, expect you to be emotional…

Post from: Widows Quest