I had tears last night when I said to her “Its OK Nana, go to sleep…there is nothing to be afraid of Bronco (that is my nickname for my grandad) is waiting for you.”  The tears were recognition that I had to let her go, I had to help her through this final frontier…I had to help her face her fear. She had stayed with me during these last few days to help me face my fear…of living without her.

I am sat wondering what it must feel like to literally face death, that is when I wish that I did have faith. It is not that I don’t, it is just that I am not totally sure.

Death as a child was something I just didn’t understand, it was something that scared me….then because of suffering grief and seeing people die, I am not sure that it scares me. I think there comes a time when it must feel the time…and that comforts me because in the past I have always thought you must be scared.

I also wonder whether I can learn from that idea when it comes to widows….whether there comes a time when acceptance is a better alternative, a less frightening alternative to living in that pain. Maybe even now Nana is leading me through understanding grief….understanding that fear and living don’t go together, that holding on to the past is no way to live into the future.

Post from: Widows Quest

Time and a hug are always great gifts but do you know what I appreciated most? Shopping!

My best friends from childhood came round with a weekly shop, she looked at me and said “I bet it is the last thing on your mind and you need to stay healthy”

Wow, do you know it was wonderful as I couldn’t face shopping – all those people, all those small decisions to make and of course starting to buy for one.

So as daft as it sounds shopping was a wonderful thoughtful gesture for me – what about you?

Post from: Widows Quest

Last night I was watching Desperate Housewives and Edie died. She said something that stayed with me

“Its not hard to die when you know you have lived”

The reason why is that it reminded me of Dad dying. He said on his third to last day when I asked him if he had any regrets

“Why would I ? I have lived the most wonderful life, had the most wonderful family – when I go to sleep I will have so many memories to keep me warm.”

Maybe we should not fear death, we should fear not living?

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Post from: Widows Quest

F = Fear lessons when we break it down. We can say we are fearful of the future….then think about what specifically frightens you…the future is too general. Is it money, is it being alone, is it the odd jobs around the house! Then develop a plan of how you will cope with the specific situation – for instance I now have a wonderful odd job guy, he is retired and he loves helping me out. I love having someone I can trust around….

E = Exists only in your imagination. The fear is not real, it is an illusion, it is a picture we are creating because we are new to the situation. Understanding that it is not real, you can take steps to prevent the reality coming true.

A = Afraid. We are faced with a situation in which we feel vulnerable, we feel insecure. So work on taking away that vulnerability. Meet someone before going out or for instance, I keep my mobile phone by my bed with my neighbors number ready. I know that if I press that button he will be around in a couple of minutes. That gives me a feeling of security.

R = Reject fear! It is our choice whether we feel the fear or not….so let’s choose not to be frightened! If I know that there is an event coming up that scares me, then I rehearse in my mind feeling excited, exhilarated by it…rather than frightened.

What did you fear most and how are you working on overcoming it?

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

“When it comes to bereavement, women will have a strong source of support in her friends, while a man may have suffered a double bereavement, losing his wife and friend at the same time.”

Strong platonic friendships can be difficult to sustain, mainly because of other people’s perceptions of them.

“Most of us rarely stop to analyse our friendships, but knowing you have this bond with someone is an incredible source of strength.

“On a day-to-day basis, it’s good to spend time with someone whose company you enjoy and who feels the same way about you – it relaxes you and has all sorts of other benefits, such as sharing experiences, jokes and ambitions.”

Have you a story of how a friendship has grown or how friendship has helped you ? I know that without my friends I don’t think I would have coped. I will never forget my best friend who came to the hospital on his last day, then came and stayed with me on  the night. She just held me, not saying anything, just being there…it meant so much

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Post from: Widows Quest

Here are 5 ways that I try and beat the loneliness however, I would love your ideas

1. I read 2 books a week. I don’t read novels as they are too emotional for me. I read books that help me develop or historical accounts
2. I have joined the local community group. I like the fact that I am giving something back, and also occupying my mind at the same time.
3. I love the internet, developed on line friends via Twitter, Facebook and also through podcasting. I have another blog called The Engaging Brand which is my way of keeping Dad’s memory alive – he believed in the potential of people and the blog gives thoughts on how to motivate, inspire and engage people at work. If you have ever wondered what my voice is like, check out the podcast - here is a link to one about how the brain works part 1 and part 2 
4. I ensure that I visit one friend or one family member each weekend. I can guarantee, I always wish that I hadn’t arranged it, never want to go…yet when I get back, after forcing myself to go, then I always feel better.
5. I try as much as possible not to use the car. I walk or get public transport as much as possible. This is for 2 reasons – one for my exercise, two to ensure that I am out amongst people. I went through a stage of being a hermit, I realised that I was getting used to not being with people, which cannot be good for you. So my first step was to not use the car as a way of easing myself back into society – and I have kept it going.

What do you do ?

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Post from: Widows Quest

Mum has a large garden. She is 78 and struggling to keep on top of the garden. I live 80 minutes drive away so I can only go back once a week/fortnight to help out. Anyway, this week gave me a strong lesson in communication.

She knew I was going over to put in a 8 hour day, yet had hurt her leg the day before – trying to do the work. I was frustrated. When I got there, Mum knew that I was distant, the atmosphere was bordering on being frosty so I said

“Mum, when you tire yourself, when you do too much, despite knowing that I am coming over to do the work…it maddens me. It feels like you don’t listen, it feels as though you don’t want me to help? I feel powerless stopping you doing too much. The anger is that you seem to not value me wanting to help”

She looked at me, pale with tiredness with tears in her eyes and said

“I value the time I have with you – that is why I do it. I am not trying to be stubborn, I am trying to ensure you don’t see me as a burden, trying to ensure that you don’t suddenly not want to come over because you have to work so hard…..You see I value our time much more than the garden”

I laughed and gave her a hug. There was me, angry that she wouldn’t listen, that she seemed to want to do everything herself, that she seemed not to care – that I cared. There was Mum, caring too much.

It made me think about how many times we THINK we are communicating and in fact we are communicating the opposite message than we want…why because the two people, have two motivations. 

To communicate, you need to understand both motivations first…communicate second

It also made me think h ow much our time is valued by others…..do we really understand the value of time before we lose someone close to us?

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Post from: Widows Quest

I often think that the words we use, don’t help us through our bereavement. If we believe it is broken then, we automatically think that there is no hope. There is hope, we have read stories on the blog of people who have found a new way of being happy, or even falling in love again. Maybe we should see that we need to find the GLUE to mend the crack

G = Getting out and about again to re-join life

L = Love. Sharing our love with family and friends to show ourselves that we are still loving people who care

U = Understanding that we need to take small steps each day to rebuild our life. There is no one big answer, just incremental steps that will help heal our pain.

E = Exercise. Our heart is a muscle that needs strengthening after it has been poorly. The best way is exercising – maybe a little walk each day, maybe some yoga, maybe joining a gym class. The more we strengthen, the quicker we help our heart heal

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

“For me, funeral service is an opportunity to serve families and help them through a very difficult time. Funeral directors need to listen carefully and ask the right questions in order to meet the different needs of different families. Families place their trust in us to care for them and for their loved ones. Funeral directors share a commitment to provide families with compassion and the best possible service. We also share a commitment to serving our communities. I give informational presentations on death, funerals, obituaries, and preplanning to a variety of local groups, and enjoy my involvement with many civic and charitable organizations in Stoughton, McFarland and Deerfield, Wisconsin.”

I just thought it was a wonderful way of helping those families through grief and through that awful process of organising a funeral. If you are in that position you may find the site very useful.

[iStockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

Mum,

I want you to know how much you mean to me, how much I love you. At the moment I spend the day thinking about how I can help you with your pain, I try each day to take your pain away. My biggest fear when the phone rings is that it is someone telling me that I have lost you. I am lost, I don’t know how to help, I don’t know how to help you through your grief…I need your help. I don’t want to lose you, I am still grieving over losing Dad and now I am faced with the day to day fear of losing you. You don’t think you have anything to live for…..I want you to know that you do. We love you more than words can say, we need you more than you will ever know. 

I suppose I am writing to say let me in, mum. I am grieving, I understand the loss….together we can help each other through the pain. When I was young, you were there for me, always telling me that things would be better tomorrow…..now it is my turn. We cannot change what has happened, we cannot change the past….but together we can find a new future, a new life that would make Dad proud. He loved you, he is still around us in our heart. He will be hurting at how his loss is destroying your life…let us help, let us in, please…….I would love to take you on a break away, maybe where you and Dad last went or where you met….together let us face this loss and find a way of moving on together.

I hope that this letter shows how much I care, how much I need you in my life, how much I fear losing you. Please mum, let me help

 Love you more than words can say….

 Without knowing all the circumstances, I think a letter may be the way of getting through to her. Words on a page can really hit home, she can read it over and over and think about her role as your mother. I don’t know if it would work but I think that is what I would do….what does everyone else feel?

[Istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest