Widows Quest » Releasing Fear

Fear death …then fear life!

Anna Farmery — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:26:25 +0000

When I was younger I used to fear death, the fear was based on not being able to imagine what it would be like…now since suffering the grief, I almost think that I fear life now more than death ? When you lose someone, some part of you dies and therefore you face or almost feel what death looks like – the unimaginable becomes suddenly real. The irony is that life becomes almost difficult to imagine and because of that fear can take hold.

After saying that I have suffered from fear much of my life and if I have learned one it is to embrace fear. Fear means that you are living, fear creates the excitement in your life if you befriend it rather than hate it.

In 2009 I believe we should all resolve to face our fear, to use that fear to live again.

[istockphoto]

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Releasing the Fear of Loneliness

Anna Farmery — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:24:23 +0000

When you lose your partner, the fear of loneliness can be immense . However, there is an old saying that there is nothing to fear but fear itself and that is true when you suffer bereavement.

You were alive before you fell in love and capable of living alone. We forget that we are an individual and that we can cope if we allow ourselves to believe in ourselves.
Many of us grew up hoping to fall in love…we did….we have lived a dream.
Loneliness comes when you don’t find ways of occupying your mind. It is about retraining our mind a way from doing things as a couple to doing those things alone. For instance, I found myself thinking “Oh no I have to go shopping alone..then I smiled as he hated it…actually if I thought about it, the experience of shopping is maybe better!”
We have lost a partner but we have not lost the love or the capacity to love…we are hurting but we should never fear the emotion of love as it is a beautiful emotion.
Fear is intangible. I try and embrace the loneliness rather than fear it. After all….what am I fearing? Loneliness is a feeling rather than danger?

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Facing Death

Anna Farmery — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:30:45 +0000

I was travelling back from London yesterday and was joined on the train by an old lady who really touched my heart. I started to speak to her and found out that she was riddled with cancer and living on borrowed time. She was laughing at the thought that she should not have been on this train, the Doctors had only given her until last Christmas.

Her positive outlook was amazing. She said she was not frightened of dying that actually she was ready to go. She was more frightened by some of what is happening in the world than by breathing her last breath. I spent the whole journey with her and felt really humble alongside. She was not afraid of death, she had come to terms with death and said to me “Don’t think about death as a bad thing…we don’t actually know, we have beliefs but we don’t know for sure. Therefore think of all your lost loved ones in a great fun place, looking over you and enjoying your life from afar. I will take your love to them shortly and tell them they should be proud to know such a fine young lady.”

Oh I have thought about her today….sometimes special people with special hearts come along and touch your life and she was one of those….for all the things I face, I was sure humbled by the sign of such courage.

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Your mind can be your friend

Anna Farmery — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 13:57:57 +0000

When I was 17 I fell ill, and was paralysed and in a wheelchair for about 6 months. During that time people told me to come to terms with not walking again, I never accepted that…and carried on exercising my legs with the use of my arms. Why am I writing about this? Well, your mind is a very powerful tool and at times of grief your mind works overtime. Your mind will be telling you that your life is over, that your world has ended. It hasn’t, that is the hurt…..that is the pain. The focus of your life has changed but it is not over.

I always wonder what would have happened if I had listened to my thoughts, the words of doctors…would I have gone on and bceome a succesful golfer and played 3 other sports to county level?

I didn’t give in to the negative thoughts…a trait which to the love of my life was an extremely attractive one….I talked back to my thoughts and found a way of coming through this trauma. I cannot say it was easy, I cannot say I didn’t cry, I cannot say I wasn’t afraid but somehow I found the strength to believe in myself and my “bouncebackability”. I know you have it inside you too……

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My mum starts a fitness group at 76!

Anna Farmery — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 15:53:35 +0000

It is true, my mum has many friends who have lost their husbands or wives…..she was feeling down with winter now bringing the dark nights, so she decided with her friends to start an exercise group. The reason is that when it is dark she doesn’t feel like going out, then she feels depressed, then she eats for comfort…so they came up with this idea. They force themselves out with people who understand, it takes their mind off the grief, they get fit not fat, and it fills in the time during the darker hours.

I am so proud of her…..and it is a postivie way to deal with grief and bereavement.

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Books for Children on Bereavement

Anna Farmery — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 15:49:04 +0000

I would like to thank Hsien form Play Library for this link. If you have children and you are trying to help them come to terms with bereavement or death then here are a set of books to help….If anyone has any recommendations let us know.

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Losing your protection, your soul mate

Anna Farmery — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 11:56:37 +0000

Death left me feeling as though I had been stripped to the bone, my emotions on show to everyone and naked to the world- my protector had gone.

Well, that may have been true but my best mate said to me “You were a great human being before you fell in love, you lived, you coped, you dealt with any problem thrown at you, you are scared because his protection was a comfort and you now need to re find yourself. But it is there, it always has been – you need to relearn not learn from new”

Maybe that is why she is my best friend…she walked alongside me until I could emotional walk on my own again. She was right, he had been a comfort but all those skills I thought I relied on him for, were still inside of me…waiting to come out when the time was right.

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When you need to talk and you are alone

Anna Farmery — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 12:51:16 +0000

If you are like me talking about your feelings, your grief, losing someone you love and coping with the emotional stress really helps. It doesn’t solve anything, but it does allow you to express your fears, and sorrow. It is funny how it helps, even when they cannot offer advice or if they have not experienced a bereavement. So what do you do if you are alone, on the days when the grief just overtakes you….

Well, I still talk! I talk to my cat (photo is of my wonderful listening cats), a mirror, a photo, a cuddly toy…anything. I imagine that they CAN listen and play the role of listener. Just talking and getting the emotions out really helps me, and I laugh at how daft it must seem to others. But if you are alone try it, your cat will even cuddle you!

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Forgiving Yourself a Remedy for a Broken Heart

Anna Farmery — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 10:36:28 +0000

I still wish that somebody would find a remedy for the aching heart, when I spoke to my Auntie she gave me a wonderful piece of relationship advice. She said “To help overcome the pain of a lost relationship, you must forgive yourself”

At first, I didn’t understand forgive myself, his death was not something I could control? Then I thought a little harder and realised that I did need to forgive myself. My mind was saying many sentences that started “If only…..” If only I hadn’t complained about moving, if only I had taken a days holiday, if only I had been there, I am sure you know what it is like!

The fact is I didn’t know that he would not come home, we had shared a wonderful life – yes, there were things that I regretted or petty arguments that were silly….but I had no way of knowing that he would die. We cannot change the past we can only use those experiences to change the future. I had nothing to forgive myself for, I could not have known. I could not have done anything more. Would he want me to hurt, no. Would he want me to my thoughts from If only, to thanks for the wonderful memories…of course.

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What I miss….the understanding of my emotions

Anna Farmery — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 10:07:32 +0000

He understood me, he understood my uniqueness….what made me who I am. Of course I miss the physical hugs and presence but the void for me was the emotional support. Every one of us is unique, every one of us have a different DNA makeup….and somehow he understood me. He knew my thoughts or reaction before I ever did!

Part of coming through the grief is believing that I know myself too – that I can stand on my own 2 feet when faced with problems. And do you know, my reactions have changed…I am a better person for having the hurt. I was thinking last night – as much as he knew me, I have changed and grown. It is now me that knows me best – and that feels good, he would like that to!

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