Watching Someone Die
January 26, 2007 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
One of the images that has stayed with me, is his face over those last few hours. As a human being you have 2 thoughts going through your head:
- Hope. You have this lingering hope that there will be a miracle. They will pull through and everything will be fine.
- Wishing they would go….You don’t want them to hurt, you don’t want them to suffer. You want them to retain some level of dignity and you know they would not want you to be suffering.
These 2 thoughts are contradictory and yet very real and difficult to think about at the same time. What I tried to do was speak to the doctors, understand the reality and face the reality.
For the second, I knew him, I knew what he would want and knew that he wanted to go. So when he took his last breath, I did feel a sense of relief for HIM. He was a very dignified man, he is still in my heart, watching over me and I knew that it was the right time – even if it did break my heart.
Kelly:
It seems that when it comes to death and watching someone we love and respect with all our hearts, losing their battle in life, there seems to be no prejudice against age and who it affects. When you are a daughter or a son, and we all are, losing a parent gives you a helpless feeling and your reactions are that of a little child. You don’t know what you will do without them, and you don’t want them to leave you.
Reading your experience, seemed to mirror mine. When my mom passe away in Hospice, and when everyone left to their homes, I stayed behind to get one last look at her before they took her away (I knew the days of the funeral would not be mine to share wih her alone). The most horrifying unexpected thing that happened was that as her door to her room opened, I expected to see my mom rolled away on a bed and I could run up to her one more time and hug her and say goodbye, just me and her. But what I saw was my mom, like yours, being taken away in a body bag. That image doesn’t leave me, and it’s been 11 years this January 4th. All my family kept having dreams of her and I longed to have my mom come to me too. But she came in different ways, and in a better way because it wasn’t in a dream.
Withoug going into detal, I can only say that she will come to you when you are out and about and you will see the back of her, walking away, or certain things will happen to you that could have only come from your mom. It isn’t that it’s really her, it’s God allowing us glimpses of her and memories of her in the most awakened hours.
I admire you beyond words for what you did for your mom. She was so blessed to have had such a daughter. You gave her all of you as I’m sure, she gave you all of herself throughout your life, and she will continue doing so from heave.
I will pray for healing for you and that God will continue giving your glimpses of her and “her ways”. God bless you Kelly.
Gloria
Wow, where do I begin. I feel for everyone here. For their losses, for the emotions and feelings that they are feeling. I wish that I could say or do something that would help each of you. I lost my father July 10, 2007. He had been sick for sometime. He was 89. I regret very much that I was not there. there were many things that I regret not telling him and not having those last moments with him. At the time my husband was also not well.He also passed away on September 7, 2009. He had had rheumatic heart disease since a child. He never let it hold him back. He excelled in his professional life and his personal life. I met him 8 years ago and we were married for 7 very short years. Never, never enough time. He was the love of my life. When the man of my dreams finally came into my life and then was taken so quickly from me.The last 9 months he was hospitalized 2 times. He had been hospitalized so many times in his life that he hated the hospital. He slowly became worse. It was like watching the life go out of someone in slow motion. Such a strong and careing man. That was so independent. To see him slowly lose all the ability to take care of himself. Mentally he was totally there, but physically he was so weak and sick. When the cardiologist told him 2 months before he died that there was nothing more they could do. He was in shock I believe and he just gave up. I took care of him at home with Hospice and help from his son and daughter in-law. He kept saying he wanted to die, he even begged me to help him. I have the last 3 days of his life burned into my mind, I go over and over it. Wondering if I did enough for him. If I made him comfortable enough. I am a nurse. I kept thinking that I had let him down that I should have been able to help him more..make him better. You know isnt that what nurses do..I know that is not reality.. He always said that he just wanted to lay down, hold me in his arms and to die..he would ask.. Why cant I do that? Why is god punishing me so much? making me suffer so much? I had no answers I didnt know why and still dont.I was there by his side when he died. It was like I knew that day that he was going to die but I just kept thinking that he was going to wake up and talk to me. There were no last words, he had been sleeping all evening from the medications. I saw him take his last breath with a tear sliding down his check. He was 63 years young. So many of the emotions and feelings that are being voiced here are exactly what I have been feeling. I wish that I could talk to him, touch him, lay my head on his shoulder, hold his hand, laugh with him, do all the things that we never got to do. I go on each day, go to work, take care of the things that I should but I feel numb. Like part of me is not here. Where do I go from here?
Gosh Kathy what an emotional comment. Please remember that posting your comments and thoughts helps us all – as it shows that we are not alone and that our feelings are ‘normal’
I think the most important thing that I did was to find a way of keeping my dad’s memory alive. I wanted to keep him close, I wanted to keep his inspiration alive – that is why I do a podcast and blog purely about what I learned from him – http://www.theengagingbrand.com
I think what this did was somehow allowed me to cope with the future…it was almost a bridge from the past pain to a brighter future. I still can’t get that last picture out of mind of his last breath…but what I do try and do with mum is to talk about him a lot. Laughing at his midnight feasts etc…
Have you found a way of keeping his legacy alive?
Anna,
Just so hard to reply…I am still grieving my father too. I have pictures and memories and I talk with my children and we remember all the good times with him, all the funny things he did,funny expressions, I will always remember his smile and the joy on his face seeing his grandchildren and the love he expressed for each and every one of them. He was a very good man and even though he had his little things that were a little strange, that is what made him so special in my eyes. I just wish that he could know that. We go through life at such a hurried pace, sometimes we think there just isnt enough time to visit family and friends and keep in touch. That is the thing that I regret with my father, that I did not take the time to spend it with him.
I think what I am dealing with right now is the loss of my husband. I dont know how to keep his legacy alive. I feel so alone, even with friends and family around. I try to stay positive, keep busy, take time for me, but the loneliness never goes away. He used to say “that it was me and him against the world” he was my best friend, my everything. So when I say where do I go from here, I truely mean where do I go from here. I have got on line and read articles, went to hospice meetings, and a grief and loss group. I have some days that I smile and laugh. I dont sit home and cry all the time. But it catchs me at moments when I think I am okay then someone or something happens and it all comes flooding back. I dont want to ever, ever forget him and what we had. But when does it get alittle easier…When do I look at a sunset and not wish that he was there watching it with me…just so many things….
Kathy – I so understand that pain, I really do. I cannot take that pain away but I can say that it will ease. I don’t believe we ever get over our loss, but we do learn to live again. It is absolutely natural to feel that loss, aboslutely natural to feel the way that you do…but lets think of a way of turning that loss into something more hopeful…
DId he have a hobby or an interest? What did he love most or where did he enjoy being….together we may be able to think of a fitting legacy?
Anna,
Thank you Anna, for listening and understanding. Larry loved hot rods…lived to build engines…the faster the better… He loved Drag racing…watched it every weekend, that they raced from Feburary until the season ended. Several times he went in person. His favorite place was the garage. lol He loved to be out and fiddle with anything on the cars. The summer and fall before he got sick he built a new engine to put in his hot rod that he was rebuilding. He already had a new engine in it but wanted one that was just a bit faster. He never got to put it in though because he became to ill. He wanted so much to hear it running. He never got that wish. His wish was also to have his son finish the car and put the new motor in. Everything is at his sons house after much heartache on my part and very little consderation for my feelings from his son.
Dear Kathy,
What major losses you’ve endured! There’s no easy fix to what you’re feeling and experiencing. Your relationship with your husband sounds similar to my experience with my husband Michael. We met late in life, so we had no children. We married in 2000, and he died of a heart attack at home, while I was at work. We were the loves of each other’s lives, and we were only married 6.5 years. He was 51 but he seemed like 81 when he died. He retired from his job on a medical disability before we married. He had a whole host of issues but was diagnosed (finally!) with a neurological condition 3 months before he died.
Most of 2007 was a mixture of disbelief, paperwork, estate issues, and crying (lots of crying!). Thankfully I have a job where I was able to forget my grief 8 hours a day, and save my sorrow for the moment I walked through the door, and he wasn’t there to greet me. In some ways, the second year has been harder. The expectation is that everything will be healed after a year. Some of that’s true. I no longer think of him 24 hours a day. There are still those moments when waterworks appear unexpectedly. I accept that, and as Anna has said before, it hurts so much because you loved so deeply. (Anna, I hope I’m paraphrasing you correctly!)
You’ll find a way to honor your husband and your father. It’s rather organic how it comes about. Michael loved music, even though he couldn’t carry a tune or play an instrument. I started a MySpace page in October 2007, and it really became a tribute to him. Now I’ve branched out to Blogger, as I’m moving into my new life.
Keep coming back here. There are people here who have walked a similar path. Take care. Hugs!!
Mary
Mary,
Thank you for understanding and your kind words..Hugs!!!
Kathy