When is the right time to grieve?

My friends mother was a real scatterbrain, we used to laugh about her inability of dealing with the smallest thing. Her husband was a very strong businessman, successful and the real leader of the family.

Then my friends brother died in a car crash – he was only 20, it was an incredible shock and the family was devastated. But guess who took control – the mother or the father?

The mother took control, she went to the hospital, brought him home, arranged the funeral, the music, the speeches. She never shed a tear. Her husband could not stop crying, he could not face the world, he was consumed with grief.

A few months later the family started to recover to something like normal, and started to talk more openly about their feelings. At that point the mother fell into the most uncontrollable grief – harder and deeper than anyone I have seen. As I held her I asked her to explain her feelings….

She said “At the time the family needed me to be strong, they needed me to take control as we were falling apart. Now they are stronger it is my time to grieve – now I have 3 children and a husband who can help me by taking control for me. This is my time.”

This was an important lesson for me. We all grieve in different ways, and at different times. There are times to be strong and times to cry. Never judge yourself or others on how they cope with the loss – their body will cope in the way that is best for them. But the time for grief will come and it is important to allow yourself to feel that pain. That pain hurts but it is part of the process of coming to terms with your loss. Don’t be hard on yourself when that happens. Just let the emotion out, to allow your mind to heal and your heart to mend.