When it is just all too much….
January 21, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
…I received a heart wrenching email from someone who was ready to finish it all, ready to give in to the grief and bring an end to the heartache. I can so understand that feeling, I can so understand how people reach that point BUT I beg any of you who have those thoughts to think of these few thoughts…
- Death does not bring an end to pain…just yours. Those around you who are already suffering, would then have more pain to deal with, more guilt to deal with…I am sure that you love your family and friends and if you do, please don’t take away your love from them.
- Death is a short term fix with no upside. By talking, by getting help you will get over the pain in the long term and the upside is finding a way to enjoy life again…and even love again.
- We have all felt like that, felt that no one could possibly imagine the pain…but at Widows Quest we are living proof that with time, you can come through…you are not alone…and weaker people than yourself have found a way through. Don’t give up now, you don’t know how close you are to finding comfort.
- Would that be what your spouse would have wanted…really? I know that would not have been the case with me, they would want me to carry on, to enjoy living again…whilst they watch over me and wait for me. But they would not have wanted me to give up the chance of helping this world be a better place.
- There are so many people who do not get a choice when their
body fails them, I feel life is too precious to cast it aside. - You need help, you need support, you need someone to reach out and make the pain go away….there are people – friends, family, your doctor, groups, blogs like Widows Quest that can be there for you. They want to be there for you. Don’t give up on life because you are too scared to ask…..to weak to ask….to proud to ask…
Anna, you always have such words of wisdom and compassion. Sometimes grief feels so overwhelming that one might give into the desire to stop the pain. I agree with your point of not wanting to add to the pain of already grieving survivors. February 1st will be the first anniversary of my husband Michael’s death. As the countdown begins, I’ve been experiencing incredible waves of tears. It’s funny, though, that I don’t want my life to be over. I just want my grief to be over. Every day really is a new opportunity to start over and to feel a renewed appreciation for life and love. Because I’ve been open about the process of my grief, I’ve had a lot of support from new and unexpected sources. Your sharing of your own pain and joy has kept me going on days when the grief seemed to be too much. There are hands and hearts extended to catch each of us as we fall. We need to grasp those hands when they are offered. I hope the person who reached out to you allowed herself/himself to take your hand of friendship. I appreciate all that you do. Bless you!
Mary,
I remember that year of firsts. But, I was taken a back a week ago.
It was the third birthday anniversary of my late husband. I had grown to anticipate certain holidays, but his birthday wasn’t “one” of those days.
I was a funky crank that whole day…didn’t know how to manage, was mean to myself, kinda yelled inside that I should be “over it.”
Did I reach out? Nope. (DUH).
After my mom died certain things set me off. But, now it’s sort of funny, at the time it wasn’t funny at all…here goes.
I was in the grocery store, minding my own business, I walked down the cookie isle. I took one look at a package of HYDROX cookies (like Oreos) and there, in the middle of the store, I burst into tears. BURST INTO TEARS. Yikes.
The wave of grief, that 20 minute wave, that consumes us hit me there…I pushed on, but gave up the tough act.
Took my cart, my snuffy nose, and tears to the manager and said I was sorry but I had to leave.
What a kind and understanding soul she was…somehow she must have known that there was a tender heart that was silently breaking.
Reach out, I think we have all been there.
Maybe a ritual on that day? Maybe a special something you could do to honor that day? I will send good thoughts to you…( keep some kleenex around…)
Smooch,
beth
Beth,
Thank you for your comment and offering your recent experience as an example of being kind to yourself. My job involves working with the public, and I’ve had only one time this year when a wave of grief sent me running to the restroom to let the tears flow. I’m a firm believer in memorials and rituals to honor departed loved ones. I’m taking January 31 off (Feb. 1 and 2 are my regular days off) so I will be able to freely feel my emotions for those days. Sounds like I might be compartmentalizing my grief. Sometimes it helps to schedule it, though. I appreciate your kindness and support! My condolences on the loss of your husband, too.
Take care,
Mary
I love the fact that you are allowing your time to grieve, that you are almost scheduling time. I think that is a wonderful way of “managing” the immense feelings. I love your thought s of each day is a new day….I suppose as I get older I tend to think it is the hard times that makes us enjoy the great times even more…loss is hard but it can also help you grow as a human being. I never feel alone nowadays writing this blog as I feel surrounded by people who understand