When the bad day comes…
July 8, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
I write this post not to make everyone miserable! I write this post to show that as much as I try and write in a positive way, as much as I try and write to help widows and widowers…even I …yes little old me have those days when NOTHING seems to matter!
It started last night, I don’t know why but depression fell over my body. I realised it was coming and yet I just couldn’t motivate myself to stop it from happening.
Depression – that feeling that there is nothing to hold on to, that feeling of being alone, that feeling that you are tired of fighting the feeling…just grabs hold. The worst part is that there is no one there to hold you, to hold you tight and tell you that they believe in you.
I tend to be one of those friends who people tell their problems to, which means that I understand how they are feeling and don’t want to burden them with my feelings. After all the last thing I want to hear is that “You are just having a bad day”, “It will all be OK tomorrow” etc
I am also a person who wants to cope, a person who wants to show the world that I can cope…no matter the financial worries or the feeling of emptiness.
So what can I do? Well the first thing is to write it down – blogging is a great way to accept the feeling. The second is to allow myself to feel that way, most days I fight it, most days I put on the brave face….my heart and brain is just saying “Look I need to recharge”
The final thing for me is to break the silence in the house. I am naturally a bit of a hermit! So even if i feel like getting into my grief bunker, I realise I must keep the human voice present. I put on the radio, I listen to podcasts, I watch the TV…trying to watch the more uplifting items rather than ones which will depress me more.
You know, as widows and widowers we are brave little beings…some days though we need to allow our hearts to be fragile as it doesn’t show weakeness it shows humanity….
Dear Anna,
So sorry to hear that you are feeling low. I don’t know if this helps but you know more than many of us that this too will pass. You and your blog have given me strength many times when I have needed it and I hope that you know that we are all out here sending you our good wishes and positive energy. I do hope you will feel better soon.
I am looking forward to this Friday’s chat. Until then, try to think good thoughts and know that we are all here for you as you have been for us so many times.
My love goes out to you.
Leslie
Hi Anna…seems this journey is full of hills and valleys and sometimes mountains and sinkholes, in the year so far I have had all of them and suspect I will again and again the rest of my life. You are very strong and to admit the depression and the bad days is in itself an accomplishment and the beginning of heading out of it. I am sorry these days happen but it is a measure of our loss that the sadness comes, better to have loved that well and hurt like this than to have gone through life without caring relationships and without truly sharing our innerselves, it is hard to have the loss but I have decided it is worth it. I hope by the time you read this you have smiles and better thoughts. I am hoping to hear everyone on Friday, after my computer crash I will be starting over with the microphone but hopefully..
Deb