When you just don’t believe in yourself
March 18, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Today has been a tough day. Not because of grief but because of me taking on too much work, achieving nothing and feeling bad about it. When I say work – I don’t mean paid work, I mean tasks really. As I sit here tonight, I suddenly realised my problem is that I don’t really believe in myself. I don’t believe I can get all these things done, I don’t believe that I am as capable as I once was….is that because grief has knocked my self confidence? Is it because I am tired? Is it because…..
Hang on a minute I know why! It is because…
I am human 
You will have days when that self belief is just not there to hold you up, but you know that is just part of being a human being…whether you have suffered bereavement or not. The difference as I see it, is that now you need to support yourself back to recovery……there is no one else there who can do it for you.
But remember this….I believe in you…and yes, when push comes to shove…
Very inspirational.I guess it’s totally human to feel inadequate and it really can be really hard to boast you’re self confidence on your own!And i totally agree that only you can turn things around.They say “you can’t control what’s going outside but you can always control what goes on inside”.
I had one of those bad days on Tuesday.
I decided I was going to repaint my kitchen. Was one of those thing the hubby didn’t get to yet and as I hate my bright yellow kitchen figured I would do it. Well I have never in my life done this before. I went out and bought the paint.
I finished my regular work Tuesday and set out to begin the daunting task. Well, I go to find the paint brushes and not one in the house. Let me tell you, I know for a fact that we had a million different paint brushes, rollers, trimmer things and everything you could possibly need to paint a room. I know we had all these the month before my hubby died as he painted the outside of the house and paint stuff was everywhere!
So, I end up curling up in the recliner and crying all night because someone came in and took the dang paint stuff. It is not expensive – this is not the point. The point being, even though all who know us know we have very little and still felt compelled to come in and take things from me. Who it was or when it happened – I have no idea but it had to be after James died in November.
I don’t understand how people’s minds work. I don’t understand why people have to be like vultures. It is very disenheartening to say the least.
This was the first time I broke down so completely in awhile but I know it won’t be the last time. It kind of took me off-guard – such an unimportant thing affecting me so badly.
When James died everyone was so full of sympathy and kind words. Everyone said they would be here to help whenever I needed them. Well, everyone knows that sometimes I will need help and noone offers a thing. I guess this is a good thing for my growth as it is making me do things myself that I never had to do before. It will hopefully, give me a feeling of self-accomplishment and self-worth. Maybe it will make me realize that I can get by on my own.
Anyways, I bought all the stuff I need – and I will paint my kitchen and maybe it will make me feel better.
Thanks for listening!
Donna
Donna, I feel so bad for you, it is like a punch in the stomach every time someone/something hits us as being “uncaring” about the journey we are on and how hard it is but to “take” items is really below uncaring in my opinion. I wish I was there I would go buy you the things you need…I left tons of paint things at the old house, am thinking maybe that was not a good idea?? My neighbor inherited all I left but…am too generous at times I think.
Anna…the words were very honest and oh so true, my confidence in accomplishign things on my own is GONE..ZIP of it is left…maybe it will return but for now I don’t even have the confidence to walk in my new neighborhood, I hate be conspicuous and hate the weight I have gained feeling sorry for myself since his illness/death…vicious cycle but I try very hard to end the date with grateful thoughts…I am so much better off than so many in the world and it is truly better to have loved than any other thing…
Deb
Oh Donna I feel like coming round right now and finding those idiots! But I am glad to see what I call the bouncebackability on show
You know that kitchen will feel great once its done because you will have acheived something. Even if it is rough round the edges just see that as your stabilising paint wheels…smile at them and think, go girl you did it. You didn’t sit back waiting for life to happen, you started to move forward…
I am proud of you and actually hearing your story has been the kick up the backside that I needed at the moment as I am in a slump that I need to get out of…thanks for giving me the inspiration
Can I say hi? Donna, I relate–I am also painting my kitchen, but the first task is removing the wallpaper. And you know what? That was always Jack’s job. I’m making a mess of it, and tearing up the wall, and he always did such a good job of it. But Jack’s been gone 16 months now. After working on this for just a short while I got all frustrated, and almost angry (why aren’t you here–this is YOUR job). On top of it I got another little kick in the head today. Jack’s good friend Brian is a widower, and has kind of been my rock since Jack died. And I guess part of me hoped that something would develop between us. But he called before, and he’s been dating this wonderful woman and I;m just feeling–not even so much hurt as scared. It’s irrational–he’s never led me to believe that he was ever more interested in anything but being an understanding, caring friend, and I know he’s been dating, but the idea that he’s found someone he thinks , and won’t be there for me. I’m so scared right now that I’m going to be alone, and not have my touchstone. I’m so angry at Jack today, and so afraid of being alone. I guess I’m reaching out for a friendly touch…today’s just one of those days I feel it’ll never get better…
Sue
It seems that we are all having one of those frustrated times. As my nana says, be glad of feeling down as it means that you are still alive emotionally!! As daft as that sounds it is sage advice…for instance feeling sad about your friend means that you have not shut down that hope of love again which is a step forward. Well done you…..In our frustration lies hope you see as we will find a way through it…eventually
thank you. I’m still feeling horrible, but everyone teels me it will get better, It just doesn’t feel so right now
Sue – the key is to keep believing, keep fighting and keep trusting in your inner strength. You heart is broken, it needs support through hugs, friendship, even goals for the future, but that break will mend, the crack will always be there but it will mend.
You keep talking to us and we will see you through….we all gain our strength from each other