Who are we being strong for?
May 5, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
When we talked on our monthly Widows Quest telephone call in, we talked about how some of us were expected to be strong. I was one of those people, I am quite easy going, I tend to see the positive in dark times….and so when anyone dies around me I am expected to be strong….
Or am I?
After I came off the call, I thought do others expect me to be strong in grief and help them cope with bereavement or do I?
You know when I think about it…and if I am being completely honest!….I think it comes from me. No one has ever said you need to be strong, I have expected it of myself because of those grieving around me. I have not wanted to be seen as weak and yet I have never seen those as grieving around me as weak!
You know it may be more to do with not letting that emotion really flow…it might be about the fear that if I let myself grieve unconditionally that I will crumble…..I think I am strong in some ways more for me than other people? I think I fear being weak, more than anyone else does? And when I think about it, my ’strength’ has often caused a problem with those around me because they feel I should be grieving more or that it has made them feel more inadequate.
Mmmm who are we being strong for really…..maybe it is for other people but maybe there is a small element for ourselves 
as well
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Anna, I totally agree with you. My being strong has more to do with me than what others expect of me. I have always been a person who didn’t want to lose control. I think that if I totally gave in to my emotions I would probably crumble at times. At these times I tell myself to get a grip because I never want to get so that I give in and cry uncontrollably or go into a shell and give my loved ones cause to worry about me. Life is getting better all the time though and I really believe that if you fake it for long enough you eventually believe in yourself and your ability to go on. Don’t get me wrong, I have grieved and allowed myself to heal but I have surprised everyone including myself with this inner strength. As I said on Friday, though, this is how I coped. Everyone has to find their own way out of their grief and hopefully come out on the other side of it. You will never be the same again but life has handed you this hand and you have to play it for better or worse.
I guess that’s the pragmatist in me talking. My wish for everyone out there reading this is that you find your way and find some happiness along the way.
Hi Anna
I really relate to your sentence, “it might be about the fear that if I let myself grieve unconditionally that I will crumble”
I have felt this so strongly and so clearly on a few different occasions – A feeling like if I went with the grief I would lose myself and not return. The fear was immense, but then, maybe that is what has kept me going.
In terms of who I am being strong for, you’re right, there is an element of myself in there.. Kind of self preservation really! There is also a big element of being strong for my children. When my husband died I no longer had the role of being wife, but I am still a mother and our children are the most important things/people in my universe.
Alison
Well as usual Anna your words are so true, we are strong for ourselves, trying to keep it together and also for others. I am not a public greiver…is that a word??..so I rarely if ever have cried or really fallen apart in front of others, thus the facade of being so strong I guess. I see no option in this being strong verdict, if we collapsed and let our grief show 24/7 what would be our life? Somehow I feel that I “owe” living this life the best I can, it is payment of sorts for being given the privilege and honor of Dave’s love and a beautiful marriage full of so many memories over 25 years. The longer I am alone the more I realize how few people can say they shared that for a minute let alone as long as I was able. I stay strong because as you have said, if I totally give in I might never come out of the total collapse that might occur. On this last Sunday (3rd) it was 10 months since Dave’s death, I reflected on all the huge changes I have made in my life and how he would feel about them, most of them he would be pleased with I think and he would be disappointed, as am I, in the lack of friendships which were sustained through the death but it led me here and that is a good thing…right??? I am so thankful to have this place and although I fail to express myself as eloquently as Leslie and Anna and Mary you also write well, it is very healing for me to have you in my life! Thanks
Deb
Hi Anna, I have learned that I have to be strong for myself in order to move ahead in this journey. I was strong during the 18 months when Don had pancreatic cancer and I was in a state of shock for sometime after he died in my arms while I still managed to function and take care of house and home. And family. And that old paper work we know about. His cancer had a fatality rate of 99%.
Month after month has been difficult but now it’s 18 months since he died. I am finally able to do many things, and see many people, that I could not before. My family is going to be here for a week and we will have great times on the beach. I am blessed in moving ahead but still feel great pain from the loss of my most beloved husband, Don.
Gosh that post hit a few nerves….and do you know I have been thinking that for quite a while and just not daring to write it down as I feel weak putting my emotions into words
But the reaction has shown that we all in our way, need to find what works for us….it is not about being strong for others it is about being strong for ourselves. When I read all your words – including Deb who writes beautifully as well :~) – it give me strength…I think I find that my strength comes from writing honestly and gaining strength from the words of others…
So thank you for filling my strength tank…yet again. Cindy are you joining us on our call next month?
x
Anna, I may have more family here and won’t be on call, so to speak. Kids, step kids and all take turns coming here to the beach house Don and I built before the rental season at the beach becomes really serious.
My sons, spouses and grandson are there now and it has been a lovely day with them. The baby is sick but not so sick that he doesn’t want to sleep it off and then do his Happy Dance and run around kicking his ball. He’s 18 months old, Marc is.
We all sat on the upper decks tonight and looked at the shells where my Don’s other half of ashes are buried on the dunes. Our priest performed a service there with the grandkids all. They helped dig, bury and heap shells on top of the dunes.
It’s 19 months already and our youngest daughter was married here on this day 11 years ago. We never give credit to what the future holds for us but I think it had better prove that we will always, now, be strong enough to handle it.
How wonderful Cindy…to be surrounded by love and by family. You sound as though you have a special place with amazing memories…..
I totally believe in the future…the past is gone, the present has gone each second…..therefore we must believe in our futures..
Maybe one day we will hear your voice and wisdom on the call
Anna x