Why is speaking about death, taboo?
February 16, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
is something that will happen to all of us, death surrounds us every day either personally or in the news, death is as normal an event in our lives as birth when you think about it. Yet as a society we find it hard to speak about it, we feel uncomfortable, I know often I feel as though I will be portrayed as morbid blogging about it!
I often wonder why this natural part of the life cycle is so taboo?
- Is it because we reject pain as human beings?
- Is it because it feels unnatural as we believe somehow we should live forever?
- Is it because the words associated with it – like loss – are negative or harsh sounding – like death?
- Is it because it makes us face our own mortality?
- Is it because there are no words that can express our grief, or the grief of others?
- Is it because we feel we should be able to cope with bereavement?
I would love to know your thoughts and how we can break this taboo because widows and widowers will only move through the grief cycle when they can talk openly, when they receive empathy, we they can be empathetic to their own feelings. The pain we all feel is natural, the pain we all suffer is understood….so how do we ensure that society can cope with the subject of death? If we can find that answer then we may find that we are all more prepared for the loss of loved ones around us.
Anna, I share your concerns. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being self-indulgent when I blog about my widowhood or the grief process. I don’t want my thoughts to be perceived as wallowing. There’s a danger, too, in being caste in stone when one writes about an experience (like pain or sadness.) Not every moment is fraught with yearning. Often an emotion is fleeting. It’s a comfort to me when I write about something and realize that, no, the pain does not go on forever. Does this make sense?
When I participated in Lisa Swifka’s One World-One Heart event, people were offering me their sincere condolences. Perhaps they thought I’d recently lost my husband (that’s when the fear of wallowing comes in.) As kind as I thought these wonderful people were, I felt distant from the expressions of sympathy. I’m no longer the walking wounded. The bandage has come off my heart.
I’m very grateful for the existence of your blog and the Widow’s Quest community.
Hugs,
Mary
Mary – you write so well and yes that is how I feel. Of course I hurt, of course I have bad days but I am still a human being who sees the joy of life. I wish we could find a way that people could talk about death in a way that is balanced…not glib, not morbid(!) just what it is….an event that hurts and one that happens to all of us. Somehow if we could do that, I think our pain would heal quicker. I think that is why I love this community as it is an outlet for what I don’t feel I can talk to friends and family about…or at least not too often. I will always value that…always xx
I have been struggling with what Mary calls the wallowing I guess, being a rather new widow it is very much a definition of me at the moment and moving to a new location and meeting so many new people it is a description for me that arises quickly. I find myself wondering when will this end? When will this not be the first description of myself, can others accept it without feeling they have to offer me their sympathy, which I find almost offensive from strangers who did not know Dave or do not know me. I have experienced death closely since I was 9 years old and my oldest sister was killed in a car accident, I saw my mom struggle with grief for 18 years until my youngest sister went to college… it was due to not talking about it and not going through it, I promised myself I wouldn’t do that but “others” sometimes cause us to not open up and discuss it, no matter how much we need to. Not sure any of this makes sense…I tend to rattle, sorry!
Deb
Deb…that’s not rattling on that makes so much sense. The question I would ask of all of us…is….is it really what others think or say – or is it how we think about what they do or say? I wonder because when you tick the widowed box, it is me that gives me the label no one else ? I wonder whether the time has come for me to tick single and label myself differently and yet somehow I don’t want to…does any of that make sense or is that rattle!