Comments on: Why is speaking about death, taboo? http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/why-is-speaking-about-death-taboo/ Redefine Yourself and Rediscover Life after a Loss Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:46:30 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: anna http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/why-is-speaking-about-death-taboo/comment-page-1/#comment-2334 anna Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:13:55 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/?p=1327#comment-2334 Deb...that's not rattling on that makes so much sense. The question I would ask of all of us...is....is it really what others think or say - or is it how we think about what they do or say? I wonder because when you tick the widowed box, it is me that gives me the label no one else ? I wonder whether the time has come for me to tick single and label myself differently and yet somehow I don't want to...does any of that make sense or is that rattle! Deb…that’s not rattling on that makes so much sense. The question I would ask of all of us…is….is it really what others think or say – or is it how we think about what they do or say? I wonder because when you tick the widowed box, it is me that gives me the label no one else ? I wonder whether the time has come for me to tick single and label myself differently and yet somehow I don’t want to…does any of that make sense or is that rattle!

]]> By: Deb http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/why-is-speaking-about-death-taboo/comment-page-1/#comment-2439 Deb Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:27:57 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/?p=1327#comment-2439 I have been struggling with what Mary calls the wallowing I guess, being a rather new widow it is very much a definition of me at the moment and moving to a new location and meeting so many new people it is a description for me that arises quickly. I find myself wondering when will this end? When will this not be the first description of myself, can others accept it without feeling they have to offer me their sympathy, which I find almost offensive from strangers who did not know Dave or do not know me. I have experienced death closely since I was 9 years old and my oldest sister was killed in a car accident, I saw my mom struggle with grief for 18 years until my youngest sister went to college... it was due to not talking about it and not going through it, I promised myself I wouldn't do that but "others" sometimes cause us to not open up and discuss it, no matter how much we need to. Not sure any of this makes sense...I tend to rattle, sorry! Deb I have been struggling with what Mary calls the wallowing I guess, being a rather new widow it is very much a definition of me at the moment and moving to a new location and meeting so many new people it is a description for me that arises quickly. I find myself wondering when will this end? When will this not be the first description of myself, can others accept it without feeling they have to offer me their sympathy, which I find almost offensive from strangers who did not know Dave or do not know me. I have experienced death closely since I was 9 years old and my oldest sister was killed in a car accident, I saw my mom struggle with grief for 18 years until my youngest sister went to college… it was due to not talking about it and not going through it, I promised myself I wouldn’t do that but “others” sometimes cause us to not open up and discuss it, no matter how much we need to. Not sure any of this makes sense…I tend to rattle, sorry!

Deb

]]> By: anna http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/why-is-speaking-about-death-taboo/comment-page-1/#comment-2449 anna Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:04:25 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/?p=1327#comment-2449 Mary - you write so well and yes that is how I feel. Of course I hurt, of course I have bad days but I am still a human being who sees the joy of life. I wish we could find a way that people could talk about death in a way that is balanced...not glib, not morbid(!) just what it is....an event that hurts and one that happens to all of us. Somehow if we could do that, I think our pain would heal quicker. I think that is why I love this community as it is an outlet for what I don't feel I can talk to friends and family about...or at least not too often. I will always value that...always xx Mary – you write so well and yes that is how I feel. Of course I hurt, of course I have bad days but I am still a human being who sees the joy of life. I wish we could find a way that people could talk about death in a way that is balanced…not glib, not morbid(!) just what it is….an event that hurts and one that happens to all of us. Somehow if we could do that, I think our pain would heal quicker. I think that is why I love this community as it is an outlet for what I don’t feel I can talk to friends and family about…or at least not too often. I will always value that…always xx

]]> By: Mary http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/why-is-speaking-about-death-taboo/comment-page-1/#comment-2411 Mary Tue, 17 Feb 2009 01:50:12 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/?p=1327#comment-2411 Anna, I share your concerns. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being self-indulgent when I blog about my widowhood or the grief process. I don't want my thoughts to be perceived as wallowing. There's a danger, too, in being caste in stone when one writes about an experience (like pain or sadness.) Not every moment is fraught with yearning. Often an emotion is fleeting. It's a comfort to me when I write about something and realize that, no, the pain does not go on forever. Does this make sense? When I participated in Lisa Swifka's One World-One Heart event, people were offering me their sincere condolences. Perhaps they thought I'd recently lost my husband (that's when the fear of wallowing comes in.) As kind as I thought these wonderful people were, I felt distant from the expressions of sympathy. I'm no longer the walking wounded. The bandage has come off my heart. I'm very grateful for the existence of your blog and the Widow's Quest community. Hugs, Mary Anna, I share your concerns. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being self-indulgent when I blog about my widowhood or the grief process. I don’t want my thoughts to be perceived as wallowing. There’s a danger, too, in being caste in stone when one writes about an experience (like pain or sadness.) Not every moment is fraught with yearning. Often an emotion is fleeting. It’s a comfort to me when I write about something and realize that, no, the pain does not go on forever. Does this make sense?

When I participated in Lisa Swifka’s One World-One Heart event, people were offering me their sincere condolences. Perhaps they thought I’d recently lost my husband (that’s when the fear of wallowing comes in.) As kind as I thought these wonderful people were, I felt distant from the expressions of sympathy. I’m no longer the walking wounded. The bandage has come off my heart.

I’m very grateful for the existence of your blog and the Widow’s Quest community.

Hugs,
Mary

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