Words That Make Me Shiver In Grief
July 10, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Saying the right words at a time when people have lost their loved one is really hard and I do feel for people who try to reach out and yet deliver the wrong words. I don’t know about you but words like
I know how you feel (from people who have not suffered grief)
You will get through this ( It so doesn’t feel like that during bereavement)
You have to think to the future (At the time of the death, you want to think of the past) 
I am here for you (From people that you know don’t mean it)
What words make you shiver, what words have helped you during your bereavement?
{iStockphoto}
One that makes me shiver:
You’re still young (almost 56), you’ll meet someone else.
The best thing said to me:
Right after Michael died, my brother took me to his home. My niece Jill gave me a hug and said, “I don’t know what to say.” That was so honest, heartfelt, and true.
My favourite words that made me shiver were these. My doctor said, “How old are you?’. Then she looked at my chart. Then she said”Oh 62. You have a long time to be alone.” The rest of her words were very supportive. I don’t think she realized what she said. Her hug at the end of the visit helped however. I was devastated when she said it but now, a few weeks later, I can laugh at it. My daughter said that at least I must be in good health because the doctor thinks I’m going to live a long time. I guess there’s a silver lining to anything.
I liked the above comments, starting with Anna’s. Mary’s telling about “you’re still young” is a parallel to the one young parents hear when their child has died and someone says “You can have another”.
So many of these comments are made by folks in committed relationships (married or not). I find that when someone says “I don’t know what to say”, I find that so honest and comforting.
Reading Leslie’s comment about what her doctor said: I might be seriously looking for a new doctor. Or at least telling that doctor how cutting her remarks were to one who is grieving. In addition to anatomy and other courses, doctors really need classes on developing a “bedside manner”.
One that made my list: He’s in a better place. (Was being with me so awful a place?) And that brings to mind that you are NOT in a better place, and won’t be for a long time.
A friend was recommending a book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, to me. The author is a rabbi and mentions comments made by well-intentioned people, and this one struck me – I believe my friend quoted the book: God would never give you more then you could handle (does that mean if I was weaker my loved one would still be here?)
Jessica
I had never thought about that…the fact that if he is in a better place then it must be better than being with me. That made me smile as in the past I have nodded away to the person saying it!!
I suppose all these words are there to try and comfort you, to make you feel better….maybe at the point of grief there are no words that will do that so the best way is just to be honest and say
There are no words…
I don’t know what to say…
There is nothing that I can say, but I can be here for you….
That kind of thing.
I firmly believe that a hug speaks a thousand words…
I think I had that comment in the past – I would rather have a hug – either in person or an e-hug – than a meaningless phrase. Besides, those of us with no one to hug, really REALLY appreciate human contact, however brief.
Someone experiencing the loss of their future wife has reached out to me, and I’m looking for information on how to cope with their feelings as well as how to offer support. This thread is a great resource, but may I ask you all, what thinks did you actually LIKE hearing?